Langan Kingsley: Langan: With yet another mass
shooting reigniting the debate
Langan Kingsley: over an assault weapons ban,
Funny or Die news took to the
Langan Kingsley: streets to ask, why do you
own an assault rifle?
Well, my dad gave it to me,
our family's penises are really small.
See, uh, there's all these raccoons
in my back yard who stole my old guns
and learned how to use them.
It's legal so I thought, why not.
I get depressed a lot, and having
one makes me feel like a million bucks.
I use it to cook my bacon.
Same reason Ted Cruz has one.
I miss you Ted.
It's like my quirk,
and also I'm full of hate.
[Male #1]: Oh, to impress my teen gun head
friends on the message boards.
Well, I'm in a rock and roll band,
so I kinda have to have one,
you know what I'm saying'?
Rock and roll!
To prove a point, but I can't
really remember what it was,
but I felt pretty strongly
about it at the time.
Langan Kingsley: Well, there you have it.
Langan Kingsley: For Funny or Die News
I'm Langan Kingsley,
Langan Kingsley: and I own an assault rifle to protect
me from other assault rifle owners
Langan Kingsley: who probably purchase their
weapons to protect them from
Langan Kingsley: even more assault rifle owners.
Langan Kingsley: It's a perfect system.