This episode The Shirtless Painter is joined by actress and comedian Lauren Lapkus... more »

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->Hello, and welcome to another episode of,Hi.Lauren, you may know from comedy and acting,Great.
->We encourage youOh, I want them to.Oh, okay, take that back.See, I was thinking I might paint paint myselfAnd you absolutely can and should.Great!Here, check this out.That's intense.I think since I'm sort of, right off to the races,Um, just a lot, actually.I'm finding that this is kinda nice to just sort ofWait till you see this.'Kay, so I'm gonna go ahead and just add my head,Yeah, I'm afraid, if I work out too much,I worry that if I got too jacked,I actually have a really good bodybuilder poseYeah, I think everyone would love to see that, yeah.Just give me a second.Wow.Can I see?Sometimes when I do like a really good paintingWow.You did it again.That's really true.Lauren, you're in an artistic industry.It's a mixed bag, we're in a time of reboots, so.Classic reboots would be like your Transformers, your,I would love that.I'm surprise that HollywoodI mean, 13 Going On 30 kind of is.Mm, yeah.
->A female Big.I mean, we all love it, but we caught ya, 13 Going On 30,Well, the only way they can get away with it,[Shirtless Painter] Yeah, that's true,It's cute for a grown woman to kiss a 13-year-old,That's a crime.Mine looks like a fetus.No, I think it looks great, and the best part isThat's what I'm working with, for sure.Okay, so, I'm gonna go ahead and,I'm giving myself purple hair.[Shirtless Painter] Ooh.I'm giving myself a really high ponytail.I don't, you're right, I don't.Really?
->I didn't put itHow long as was it?In my memory, it was like down to here.Girls do that too.'Kay, so I'm just doing my huge, jackedI need a shirt.That, I can't help you with.Oh yeah, I didn't even realize what I was saying.I mean, you don't have to get crazy to work here, but,Now, I'm giving myself no boobs,Yeah, that's one of the first things to go, I think,It's like weaving it into,Yeah, exactly, I like to say there are no screw-ups,You know when you take like a really good poo?Pleasant whoopsie.I'm kind of lightening up my skin tone here,I've been so obsessed with my body,Mine is all natural, and I'm not judging yours,And I appreciate that.I'm gonna put little short shorts on her,Yeah, you wanna get the skimpiest possible,Oops, I gave her a dick.Well, that's okay, you know what?Oh, maybe that's good.Who's to sayShe does like local stuff, like competitions,I've peered at it through store windows and stuff.Well, one of the women on that showI'm just gonna make the biceps just a touch bigger.I do workouts that involve one or two-pound weights,Very nice.Just until you're shaking.Yeah, my only concern is thatI have a ton of room for legs,Yeah, all the way down to next Tuesday.See you there.Uh-oh.See if you can.
->Okay.Does it really make it a lot smaller?That's what I've heard, if any steroid usersPlease write in.Yeah, write in, send a photo of your painting, you know,That's cool.
->Sort of a little--Mine's dressed like a child.Like sort of a Hollister, or a--No, I'm gonna give her a bubble coming out of it,Oh, nice.See?
->And they should.Ugh!That's what my brother calls it.Green tacos.
->Taco meat.That's how I always remember him, as a great painter.Yeah.Make sure it hasYou don't hear a lot of shirtsI mean, yeah, everyone can say something,Yeah, think about it.I'm not religious, but my shirt is.The ultimate sculptor.Uh-oh.Alright, so this banner's taking a long time,She's wearing a Hollister shirt, but,Just understand that it is a Hollister shirt.Vines.RIP.Yeah, 'cause there's not a lot of stuff out there anymoreYeah, I don't know if anybody remembers from the newsEw, what came out?I don't know if it was bloodI hope it was chocolate.
->Yeah.Kinda just adding some depth to my muscles.Okay, so there's my burst biceps there.Is she very judgmental?She's tough, but fair.Give me your guff.
->Yeah, give me your guff,Slide right off me.Yeah, I remember your glue, whatever guff, shame on you,I subscribe to this one.Please.Please take care of yourself!We can't do everything for you, okay,If you're not well, it's up to you to fix it!Take care of yourself first, okay?I'm just reallyDo whatever you want.It's your funeral.Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and add my wife here,Wow.
->Yeah.Okay, I just made a whoopsie,Yeah,So true.Okay, so I'm just gonna add the stripes on my wife never know with bees.And we'll add some classical sort of bee dotted lines,Yeah, just to show where they went.Just to show where they've been, the shape of their path.Okay, here we go.It might very well ruin the whole painting, so.Should I name my person?Yeah,That's good.Sort of a stage name, that can be kind of fun.Uh-oh!
->Don't spill the oil!Don't spill any oil, or we'll come and get ya!Oh, nice.
->Oh, the oil's dripping,Have you ever seen a painting sweat before?Should I sign my real name?This is an intimidating and very cool pairThank you!
->And painting alongOh, me too.'Kay, great.One more time?Once again, Lauren Lapkus.I just feel like you could say itOkay.Just listen!For once.
->In your life!I'm not gonna beg you, listen to the podcast,I'm gonna beg you,Do we need to beg?It does make a difference, and I don't knowIf you wanna get featured on iTunes,They need other peopleI know it's easy to think, "Oh, I'm just one person,One person can make a difference, okay?Get it through your--Not for anything, like, important.But for this.
->But for this!You have a computer in your pocket, everyone does.I hate this, that we have to even try to convince them.I hate having to hear myself like this, but it's just--I sound like my mom.Just forget it.Don't forget it, just do it.Do it, it's much easier to just do it.Honestly, it's easier to do itYou know what would end this conversation real quick?Just rate and subscribe!
->Write a review, give stars.Five of them.
->Yeah, give five, why not?Make it a good rating, if you're gonna go there!Yeah, don't go to the trouble and leave a two-star review.That's not helpful to anyone.I don't know why would you think thatI can't believe they said that, that's so rude.It's implied, okay?I'm really upset, I'm just in a bad mood.Yeah, we're done with this, forget it.Where do I put this?[Shirtless Painter] You can just throw it on the ground.Just rate it!Or don't, whatever.This is mind-blowing.I'm not a fucking winner![Shirtless Painter] I don't feel like a winner right now.I need everything.No, no, no, no, no.We're done!Turn it off.What don't they get?
->I don't get, guys, hello?Turn it off.Rate the podcast and turn it off.Stop watching.Hello, can anyone hear?
->Lyft, sorry.This is what you guys care about.How do I get out of here?[Shirtless Painter] This is just fabric.Oh my God, we're never gonna get out of here.[Shirtless Painter] There's no doors in this room.What the fuck, how did we get in?Hello, do I have to go up?Climb!
->Do we have to go up?I guess I'll climbI'm climbing in the ceiling.I want this,Do I need to jump?Does he have to hurt himself to get out of here?I will do it.I'm gonna goYeah, get in the bag.I'm gonna go through the bag to get out.Hey, are you guys happy?And you're just watching?There's nothing in this cup.It's a fucking prop, okay?Hello?
->This isn't even real,[Shirtless Painter] Guys, a working door, maybe?Um, is it locked from the outside?We got time for this thing, but we don't have timeI have somewhere to be.
->She has things to do,People are expecting me.[Shirtless Painter] Maybe just kick itForget it, I'll live here.Yeah, she'll live here, I do, this is where I sleep, okay?Oh, I'll use this water bottle as a pillow,A hard apple box.Oh my God.Things were going so well, we were painting,I feel really fucking vulnerable, I feel really exposed.You got a real portrait here today, okay, guys?Yeah, no shit.Thank you for joining me todayHonestly, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore.