The last moment of the heat wave exposed Erin to a man with a masturbating tattoo... more »

Full Credits

Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Producer: Ross Buran
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

Transcript


> (ERIN):
THIS IS...
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER):
THROWING SHADE.

> (BRYAN):
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

> (ERIN):
AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

> (BRYAN):
TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES AND POLITICS,

> (ERIN):
AND POP CULTURE,

> (BRYAN):
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

> Erin: HI BRYAN.

> Bryan: HELLO!

> HOW ARE YOU?

> I'M DOING OKAY.

> THEY'RE TRIMMING ALL
THE TREES IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

> THEY CERTAINLY ARE.
THERE'S NO GETTING OUT OF
IT THIS TIME.

> AND HERE'S WHAT'S FUNNY
ABOUT TRIMMING TREES,
NOTHING MAKES THINGS COOLER
THAN TAKING AWAY ALL THE SHADE.

> UH, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
WHENEVER I SEE-- AND YOU
KNOW WHAT? I'M TAKING IT
OUT ON ALL OF MY NEIGHBORS,
BECAUSE THEY BRING THE SAME
THING AROUND MY HOUSE.
AND IF I SEE A TREE THAT SEEMS
TOO SHADY, AND IT'S
BRINGING PEOPLE TO LIGHT,
I GO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
AND I CHOP IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
SO THAT THEY
WAKE UP JUST HOT AS FUCK.
I FEEL SUMMER OF SAM. THAT'S
HOW I FEEL.

> BECAUSE OF THE HEAT?

> YEAH, LIKE I'M GOING TO
LOSE MY FUCKING MIND.

> I--

> I CAN'T TAKE THIS TRIPLE DIGIT BULLSHIT!

> NO, AND BY THE WAY,
WE'RE FROM TEXAS AND WE
WERE BORN INTO THIS, BUT
WE RAN AWAY.

> YEAH. THAT'S
ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

> I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT.
I CAME TO CALIFORNIA FOR
YOU KNOW, BLACK GOLD,
TEXAS TEA.

> OH, YOU CAME AT THE
WRONG TIME (big sigh).

> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S
FUNNY ABOUT TRIPLE DIGITS
IS THAT, NOTHING FIRST OF ALL--

> OKAY.

> --SECONDLY WE TRIED TO
ESCAPE FROM IT, WE WENT TO THIS
HOTEL ON FRIDAY NIGHT,
AND WE WERE LIKE YES, WE'RE GOING
TO GET IN THE POOL,
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT--

> OOH...

> THE POOL WAS HEATED. THE POOL WAS HOTTER
THAN IT WAS OUTSIDE.

> THAT'S INSANE.
AND OLLIE GOT IN AND HE WAS
LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
AND THERE WERE LIKE 3
GUYS IN THE POOL--

> YEAH.

> --WHO WERE LIKE,
"OH, I GUESS WE DIDN'T
THINK THAT ANYTHING WAS WRONG.
AND I WAS LIKE, DRUGS.

> YEAH.

> SO WE CHECKED OUT BUT NOT
BEFORE WE MET THE
MOST INTERESTING DUDE TO
HAVE EVER HAVE LIVED.
HE WAS IN A FULL BIKINI,
MAN BIKINI, RIGHT--

> YEAH.
--NOT A LADY BIKINI.
THE HUGEST BULL NOSE NIPPLE RINGS
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

> OH, GOD.

> AND TO TOP IT OFF.

> I FEEL LIKE I COULD FAINT
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

> THAT'S NOT
EVEN THE WORSE THING.

> I FEEL LIKE I COULD PASS OUT.

> ON HIS BACK WAS THIS
TATTOO. IT WAS DONE REALLY
POORLY LIKE ALMOST IN THE 70S.
IT WAS A NAKED MAN
DOING THIS.

> Y-YOU'RE KIDDING?

> NO. HE HAD A FULL GUY
JERKING OFF--

> ON HIS BACK?

> ON HIS BACK.

> BUT LIKE LITERALLY--
INTO WHAT? WHAT WAS THE--

> THE AIR. THE AIR. THE AIR.

> JUST LIKE A DUDE, JUST
ANYWHERE IN SPACE AND TIME.

> AND HIS FACE WAS LIKE
SO SQUISHED--

> UH...

> --HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE--

> WAS IT LIKE COMICAL, LIKE
WAS IT LIKE CALVIN AND
HOBBES-ISH?

> YES, IN IT'S ESSENCE,
BUT IF YOU ADD THE NIPPLE
RINGS TO IT, I FEEL LIKE IT'S JUST
LIKE, "WANT TO FUCK?"

> I'M MOVING IN
WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

> THAT'S SO EXCITING.
THAT IS ONE OF THE BEST
SEGUE'S EVER.

> YEAH.

> FROM JERKING OFF
TATTOOS--

> WELL HE HAS THAT TATTOO. YEAH.

> OH, YOUR BOYFRIEND
WAS AT THIS HOTEL. I GET IT.

> YEAH.

> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO WITH ALL OF YOUR STUFF?

> I DON'T CARE. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHY I BOUGHT IT UP
HONESTLY--

> I KNOW WHY YOU
BOUGHT IT UP.
NO, BECAUSE I JUST
SUBLET MY APARTMENT--

> OH YEAH.

> --AND I MOVED IN WITH MY
BOYFRIEND. SO SOME ONE
HAS BEEN LIVING THERE FOR
TEN MONTHS--

> OH.

> --AND SHE JUST MOVED
OUT, AND ON THE SURFACE
EVERYTHING LOOKED CLEAN,
BUT TWAS NOT. HERE'S THE
THINGS THAT I FOUND.
I FOUND MY BRAISING DISH
FROM CRATE AND BARREL
COVERED IN GREEN BEANS THAT
WERE PROBABLY LIKE 4 MONTHS
OLD IN THE BACK OF THE OVEN.

> I MEAN, GO TO ANY NEIGHBORHOOD
IN LOS ANGELES AND COMPLAIN
ABOUT THAT AND JUST WATCH T
HE SHIT GET KNOCKED OUT OF YOU.

> I ONLY DO IT ON THE SHOW BECAUSE
I KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS
LIKE TO OTHER PEOPLE.
NUMBER 2, MY WAFFLE
MAKER DESTROYED.

> (laughs) I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

> THIS IS IN ORDER OF LEAST
IMPORTANT TO MOST IMPORTANT.

> O-OH, OKAY, OKAY.

> MY PERFECTLY PRISTINE MATTRESS
WHICH HAS NEVER HAD A CUM, NOR PEE,
NOR DROOL STAIN, NOTHING.

> THAT'S FUN.

> I KEPT IT COVERED.

> YEAH, OKAY.

> THE COVER TWAS REMOVED.
MY COMFORTER WAS FOLDED IN HALF
COVERING THE BOTTOM PART
OF THE BED--

> OH WHAT DID SHE DO?
SHE JUST TOOK DUMPS ON IT?

> --AND I PULLED...
WELL THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT THEN
I REALIZED IT WAS COFFEE.
THERE WERE COFFEE STAINS
LIKE 3 TIMES THE SIZE OF MY HEAD.
SO WHO DRINKS THAT MUCH COFFEE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK SHE DID?
I THINK, BECAUSE
SOMETIMES COFFEE PUTS ME TO SLEEP,
I THINK PROBABLY SHE DRANK
A WHOLE BUNCH OF COFFEE AND THEN
PUT IT ON THE END OF THE BED, LIKE...

> OH DRUNK - DRUNK ON COFFEE?

> WHEN I DRINK
COFFEE, I CALL MYSELF
SLEEPING BEAUTY BUT COFFEE.

> YEAH? SLEEPING COFFEE?

> YEAH, BECAUSE I DRINK
COFFEE AND THEN YOU KNOW...

> WOO... AND THEN YOU
FALL BACKWARDS?

> AND THEN I HAVE
A VISION OF
MALEFICENT COME
INTO MY ROOM.

> OH.

> AND I SAY, "SOMEONE HORNY?"
BECAUSE OF HER...

> BUNNY EARS.

> YEAH.

> YEAH. I THINK...
I THINK WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
(they both giggle)
Erin:
GOD IT'S GETTING CLOSER

> IT'S SO SCARY. IT'S SO SCARY.

> BRYAN IF WE LIVE
THROUGH THIS I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'LL NEVER BE RUDE TO YOU
EVER AGAIN. THAT'S
MY PROMISE TO YOU.

> I PROMISE THE SAME.

> OKAY.

> YEAH.

> SO, I THINK WHAT HAPPENED
WAS SHE WAS DRINKING
COFFEE IN THE MORNING,
AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL
DONE.", AND THEN SHE JUST--
HER HANDS LOST ALL FUNCTIONALITY.

> DUMPED IT OUT. EVERYTHING
WAS A CHOICE FOR
SURE, BUT NOTHING IN
THAT SCENARIO WAS AN ACCIDENT.

> IN MY TOOL BOX
ARE 2 UNOPENED DILDOS.

> WHAT DO YOU
MEAN UNOPENED?

> NEW DILDOS.

> IT CAME LIKE IN A CASE?

> YES, THEY'RE IN BOXES.
DILDOS COME IN BOXES.
DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

> I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

> NICE ONES DO.

> OK. YOU KNOW THAT'S
VERY CLEVER OF HER TO
PUT DILDOS IN A TOOL BOX.

> I AGREE.

> THAT'S PRETTY CLEVER.

> BUT I WAS LIKE, I DID
HAVE A THOUGHT, I WAS LIKE
WELL THEY'RE UNUSED,
BUT THEN I WAS LIKE DO I WANT
TO HAVE A DILDO INSIDE OF ME,
AND ALL I CAN THINK
ABOUT IS HOW MY CASSEROLE
DISH IS RUINED? NO.

> GREAT POINT.

> BRYAN, WE MISSED SO MUCH
LADY NEWS DURING OUR TIME OFF.
WE MISSED THE NAKED CELEBRITY
SELFIE SCANDAL.

> SURE, YEAH.

> WHERE THE--
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
CELEBRITIES WERE BLAMED--

> YEP.

> --FOR PUTTING PICTURES
OF THEMSELVES
ON THEIR OWN COMPUTERS.

> THAT'S RIGHT.

> YEAH, WE MISSED EMMA WATSON'S
HASHTAG, #HEFORSHE CAMPAGNE.

> YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. MRS. CALIFORNIA
PASSING YES MEANS YES.

> YEP.

> WE MISSED TEXAS ABORTION
CLINICS CLOSING
EXCEPT FOR 7 OF THEM.

> I DIDN'T MISS THAT, I CHEERED (giggles).

> OH YOU DID? WELL YOU PUT--

> ALL THE OTHER STUFF
I DIDN'T CARE, BUT THAT WAS
THE THING I WAS LIKE... YOU KNOW.

> DID YOU PUT YOUR HANDS
UP AND JUST MADE THAT FACE.

> I DID. I PUT MY HANDS
AND FISTS. NO I PUT MY HANDS
AND FISTS TO GO LIKE THIS,
BECAUSE I WAS SO MAD.

> FIGHTING IRISH NOTRE DAME.

> THAT'S RIGHT.

> WHOA. WELL HERE'S WHAT
I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT,
THIS IS THE KING OF
ALL DIPSHITS.

> OOH.

> AND THE KING IS ALABAMA.

> SURE.

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> WHAT THEY DID IS THEY
MADE I MUCH HARDER FOR
YOUNG GIRLS TO GET
ABORTIONS WITHOUT THEIR
PARENT'S CONSENT. SO UNDER A NEW
LAW THAT WENT INTO EFFECT
MINORS WHO ARE SEEKING TO
BYPASS THEIR PARENT'S CONSENT
TO GET AN ABORTION ARE PUT
ON TRIAL. AND HERE'S
ANOTHER FUN THING, THE STATE
IS ALSO ALLOWED TO
APPOINT A LAWYER TO
DEFEND HER FETUS.

> WHAT?

> SO YOUR FETUS GETS A LAWYER.

> THIS SOUNDS LIKE
TH GRADE LINCOLN-DOUGLAS
MOCK DEBATES.

> YEAH.

> THAT'S INSANE.

> WHAT'S A MOCK DEBATE?

> IT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAY.
IT SOUNDS LIKE DRESS UP.
THAT'S INSANE.

> IT IS INSANE.
OKAY, THEY ARE PUTTING
WOMEN ON TRIAL FOR A
LEGAL PROCEDURE.

> YEAH.

> YEAH. SINCE NOBODY IN ALABAMA
GIVES A FUCK ABOUT
THE ACTUAL PROBLEMS IN
ALABAMA, OR YOU KNOW PRIORITIES
OR LIKE REALLY DEALING WITH
PROBLEMS THAT ARE ACTUAL
PROBLEMS. I'VE DONE THE
WORK FOR THEM.

> OH, GOOD.

> AND I'VE COMPILED A LIST OF
JUST SOME REALLY AMAZING THINGS
HAPPENING IN ALABAMA THAT
THEY MIGHT WANT TO TAKE
A LOOK AT--

> MM-HMM.

> --BEFORE CRIMINALIZING
WOMEN FOR HAVING A LEGAL
PROCEDURE.

> HOW ABOUT LACK
OF CAVIAR OR SUSHI?

> OH, BELIEVE ME,
IF YOU DON'T--

> I DON'T GO INTO A STATE
UNLESS THEY HAVE 25
CAVIAR TASTING RESTAURANTS.

> HERE'S SOME THINGS
ABOUT ALABAMANS
DO IN ALA-BORAMA.

> YEAH.

> DOES THAT WORK?

> NO.

> ALABAMA HAS THE 4TH
LOWEST HOUSEHOLD
INCOME IN AMERICA. WHICH
MAKES IT HARD FOR PEOPLE TO
DO THINGS LIKE BUY FOOD
OR MEDICINE OR HOUSING.

> YEAH.

> THEIR STATES--

> OR A GOOD TM TEACHER.

> TM?

> TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

> OH YEAH.

> VERY EXPENSIVE...

> OH, IT'S VERY HARD TO FIND
ACUPUNCTURE,
TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION--

> YES, YES.

> ALABAMA HAS THE 2ND HIGHEST RATE OF
HEART DISEASE NATIONWIDE.

> MM-HMM.

> THEY ARE 17 BILLION
DOLLARS IN DEBT.
THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE IS
THE OFFICIAL STATE FAIRE.

> YOU'RE KIDDING. LUCKY THEM.

> SO LUCKY.

> THAT'S NICE.

> YEAH. IT'S ALWAYS FUN
THING TO HAVE
STATE SANCTIONED IS A MAN
WHO COULD THROW TOMATOES
AT WHO JUST INSULTS YOU.

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> I LOVE IT.

> OR LIKE A MAYPOLE.

> I LIKE TO GO TO
RENAISSANCE FAIRE'S AND
GO, "THIS ISN'T REAL!"

> THAT'S FUNNY.

> YEAH.

> DO PEOPLE CLUB YOU ON
THE HEAD WITH
THEIR TURKEY LEG?

> YES.

> YEAH.

> THEY DO.

> THEY HAVE THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF
NARCOTIC PAIN KILLER PRESCRIPTIONS/ABUSES.

> UH. ONE WAY TICKET PLEASE.

> NOT COUNTING YOUR HOUSE.

> WELL YOU STILL HAVEN'T
CONVINCED ME. I'D STILL
LIKE TO MOVE THERE.

> OH OKAY, SORRY I'VE GOT MORE.
FORBES NAMED IT THE 7TH WORSE
STATE TO MAKE A LIVING.

> UH, MALCOLM FORBES?

> MALCOLM FORBES.

> --WE USED TO GO BIKING TOGETHER--

> OH YOU DID?

> --SO FUN. HE TOOK ME UP INTO A
HOT AIR BALLOON
ONCE AND A WHILE.

> ON THE BIKE?

> YEAH.

> YOU RODE RIGHT
UP THE RAMP--

> RIGHT UP-- WE WERE TRYING TO
INVENT A NEW SPORT--
CALLED BALLOON BICYCLE RIDE--
>>UH-HUH.

> --AND IT WAS SO EASY.
YOU GO UP A RAMP, AND YOU SHOOT
FOR THE STARS WITH A BALLOON
ATTACHED TO YOU.

> WELL HOW DO YOU
DO WITHOUT (inaudible)?
IT SEEMS LIKE YOU CAN'T DO IT.

> IT WAS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT.

> YEAH.

> WE DID ALL FALL TOO--
WELL I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO SURVIVED.

> OH.

> I DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO--

> YOU WERE DOING YOUR BUBBA BOY.

> I SLAMMED ON THE BREAKS
AT THE LAST SECOND.

> YOU DID? LITERALLY?

> AND WATCHED EVERYONE AROUND
ME FALL. IT WAS SO FUNNY.

> YOU JUST BACKPEDALED.
WORSE STATE FOR LONG TERM
CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

> THAT I APPLAUD.

> YEAH, GET RID OF THE ELDERLY.

> WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP,
YOUR NUMBER'S UP.

> I'LL TELL YOU THIS ONCE,
I'LL TELL YOU A MILLION TIMES,
YEARS OLD, ONE PLANE
TICKET TO PARIS, SLEEPING
PILLS, SLEEPING PILLS, EIFFEL TOWER,
BRIE SANDWICH, GOOD NIGHT.

> YOU'RE DONE.

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> AND GUESS WHAT ALABAMA'S THE WORSE STATE FOR?

> I DON'T KNOW, HAIR STYLES?

> CLOSE.

> THE WORSE PLACE TO
HAVE A BABY.

> OH, SURE.

> YEAH. PERCENTAGE OF
CHILDREN IN HOUSEHOLDS
WITH BELOW POVERTY INCOME
THEY RANK 46TH OUT OF 50.

> NOT THE WORSE.

> AND THEIR INFANT DEATH RATE
IS THEY'RE 49TH.

> YOU'RE ENDING WITH THAT?

> YEAH. YOU KNOW, I JUST
FEEL LIKE FOR A STATE
THAT'S MAKING IT SO
DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE TO
HAVE ABORTIONS, AT THE VERY
LEASE YOU SHOULD MAKE IT
THE BEST PLACE TO HAVE A BABY.

> YEAH.

> YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

> THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

> YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, YOU
CAN'T HAVE AN ABORTION,
AND ALSO YOUR BABY MIGHT
DIE IF YOU HAVE IT HERE.

> YEAH.

> SO WHICH DO YOU
CHOOSE LADIES?

> Y-YEAH (laughs). I AGREE.
I THINK THAT UM...

> YOU HAVE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR NAILS?

> NO, I WAS JUST
WONDERING DO THEY--
THEY PROBABLY DON'T KNOW (inaudible),
OR YOU KNOW ANYTHING.

> NO.

> YEAH. IT'S SO FUNNY.
IT'S SO FUNNY.

> HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GOING TO BUY YOU A
ONE WAY TICKET TO ALABAMA, OK.

> THANK YOU.

> YOU GO THERE, YOU SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

> I WILL.

> OK. GO RIGHT TO BIRMINGHAM--

> I WILL.

> --AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT (inaudible).

> (laughs) I WILL (exhales).

> ERIN DO YOU REMEMBER
SEEING THE NOTEBOOK
FOR THE FIRST TIME?

> OH, YEAH. I WAS--

> AND FUCKING HATING IT?

> OH NO, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT WHEN
I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL.

> OH.

> AND I WAS LIKE, THAT'S MY
3 RING BINDER FOR THE YEAR.

> RIGHT.

> IT'S GOT FIVE SECTIONS
COLLEGE RULED, THERE'S POCKET--

> YEAH.

> --I CAN PUT STICKERS ON
THE OUTSIDE, BECAUSE IT'S
PLASTIC.

> SURE.
IT'S NEVER GOING TO BIODEGRADE.

> WELL I REMEMBER THE FIRST
TIME THAT I SAW THE
NOTEBOOK I DID CRY, BUT WAS SO
PISSED, BECAUSE I KNEW OBVIOUSLY
THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE,
WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN
MANIPULATED LIKE THIS, EXCEPT FOR
EVERY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN BACK WAY IN THE
YONDER, YONDER DAYS WHEN
BLOCKBUSTER WAS
STILL AROUND?

> YEAH, BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO?

> MM-HMM.

> I WISH.

> THE COVER FOR THE
NOTEBOOK IS THE EXACT
SAME COVER AS ANOTHER THING,
ANOTHER MOVIE WITH UM...
WHO'S THE GUY FROM STAR WARS?

> HARRISON FORD?

> TRON, NOT TRON...
HARRISON FORD.

> YEAH.

> HARRISON FORD
AND SOMEBODY ELSE, IS ANOTHER
ROM-COM. IT'S AN OLDER ROM-COM,
AND IT'S LITERALLY THE
SAME THING, GIRL JUMPING
INTO THE ARMS, WET, RAINY--

> THAT'S ALL OF NICHOLAS
SPARKS IS THE RAIN--

> YEAH.

> --THE TWO WHITE, ALWAYS
CAUCASIAN,
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS...
DEAR JOHN, ALL THOSE MOVIES.

> WELL WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?

> A WALK TO REMEMBER--
HE'S GOT SO MANY FUCKING
PROBLEMS, AND HERE'S THE FIRST
ONE I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT.

> ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT NICHOLAS SPARKS TODAY?

> YES.
SO HERE'S JUST SOME GENERALLY
SHITTY THINGS HE'S SAID.
HE DID AN INTERVIEW WITH USA
TODAY A FEW YEARS AGO.
THIS IS JUST SOME
OF HIS GREAT.

> OH, BEST NEWSPAPER
IN THE WORLD.

> BEST NEWSPAPER IN
THE WORLD,
AND THEY WENT TO A BOOKSTORE
WITH NICHOLAS FUCKING SPARKS
WHICH LIKE--

> THEY WENT TO A BOOKSTORE
TO INTERVIEW HIM?

> YES, AND HE WAS GOING
THROUGH BOOKS THERE OR WHATEVER--

> ON THE NOSE.

> --AND HE PULLED A HEMINGWAY
BOOK OUT, AND GOES,
"A FAREWELL TO ARMS" BY HEMINGWAY
GOOD STUFF. THAT'S WHAT
I WRITE. THAT'S WHAT I WRITE.
WHICH, OKAY. SO NICHOLAS
SPARKS ALSO RUNS A
PRIVATE SCHOOL, K TO 12
CALLED THE EPIPHANY SCHOOL
OF GLOBAL STUDIES.
SO EVERYONE CHILL OUT.

> WHAT? THE EPIPHANY SCHOOL
OF GLOBAL STUDIES?

> GLOBAL STUDIES--

> WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

> IT'S A NONDENOMINATIONAL
PRIVATE SCHOOL. SO IT HOLDS--

> HE RUNS A PRIVATE SCHOOL?

> HOLD-- HE FOUND IT.

> I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE
A SUMMER CLASS.

> HE FOUND IT. SO K THROUGH 12.

> PLEASE SAY
HE'S NOT DOING THIS TO AFRICANS.

> NO, HE'S NOT.

> OK.

> SO THE PRINCIPAL
THERE IS LOVE
GOD, AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS
YOURSELF. SO IT'S LIKE A GOLDEN RULE THING.
AND I GUESS THEY SORT OF
IDENTIFY AS CHRISTIAN,
BUT ALSO SAY LIKE WE'RE
TOTALLY DIVERSE. THERE ARE
JEWISH-- YOU KNOW, WE WELCOME
JEWISH STUDENTS,
WE WELCOME STUDENTS OF ANY--

> ANYONE WHO'S
A LOVER OF NICHOLAS
SPARKS IS WELCOME.

> EXACTLY.
AND THEY SAY THEY HAVE A
GLOBAL FOCUS WITH OLD FASHION
VIRTUES. SO THE GUY WHO IS
THE HEADMASTER OF THE SCHOOL,
HIS NAME IS SAUL HILLEL
BENJAMIN, JEWISH--

> I GOT IT. THANKS.

> AND HE FILED
A LAWSUIT AND
HE SAID THAT THE SCHOOL'S
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
HARASSED AND BULLIED ANYONE
WHO TRIED TO BRING IN DIVERSITY
TO THAT SCHOOL. THE LAWSUIT
SAYS SPARKS HAS ROUTINELY
ATTRIBUTED THE ABSENCE OF ANY
AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDENTS AT THE
SCHOOL, WHICH MEANS THEY'RE
AREN'T ANY, HE ATTRIBUTES TO
THE ABSENCE OF AFRICAN AMERICAN
STUDENTS AT THE SCHOOL
TO THE FACT THAT QUOTE,
BLACK STUDENTS ARE TOO POOR,
AND CAN'T DO THE ACADEMIC WORK.
THIS GUY IS A PIECE OF WORK.
BLACK PEOPLE ARE TOO--
HE'S NOT EVEN SAYING SOMETHING--

> DOES HE
WEAR TWEED SUITS? I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
NO HE'S BEACHY, NO BIG
WHOOP, LIKE HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ANY OF IT? YOU SAW
THE NOTEBOOK RIGHT?

> I WILL, NO-- I WOULD RATHER
SHOVEL HORSE SHIT INTO MY
MOUTH AND MY VAGINA
BEFORE I WILL EVER LAY THESE
EYES ON ANY OF HIS GARBAGE.

> THIS IS JUST--

> I WOULD RATHER PUNCH MY--
I WOULD TAKE ALL OFF THE
SKIN OFF OF MY HAND AND
PUNCH THROUGH A
BUCKET OF ALCOHOL.

> YEAH.

> JUST TO RECAP, NICHOLAS
SPARKS HAS A SCHOOL. THAT
SCHOOL HAS CHILDREN AT IT.

> YEAH.

> AND THEN HE'S ALSO A HUGE,
RAGING MEGALOMANIAC--

> YES.

> --WHO CAN'T GET
PAST HIS WHITE LINEN
TO GET TO SEE ANY DIVERSITY.

> YEAH, EXACTLY.

> DO HIS MOVIES MAKE MONEY?

> TONS.

> WHY?

> HAND OVER FIST-- BECAUSE THEY
COST LIKE 10 MILLION DOLLARS,
AND THEY ALL
MAKE LIKE A 100 MILLION.

> WHAT?

> OH YEAH, HE'S LIKE
ENORMOUSLY SUCCESSFUL.
JUST QUIT SEEING NICHOLAS
SPARKS MOVIES. I DON'T KNOW...

> WHY DOES ANYBODY SEE
THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

> BECAUSE IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO FIND A MOVIE
FOR YOUR TYPE OF PERSON.

> OH, ROMANCE?

> YEAH. WOMEN LOVE
THESE MOVIES.

> SOMEONE WHO LOVES PURE--

> SNOWY WHITE ROMANCE.

> YEAH.
VOW WAS A NICHOLAS SPARKS.
GET THE FIRST ONE WHEN
HE DID THE VOW TO DO THIS.

> OH THAT WAS--
OH, YEAH BUT DID YOU KNOW WHO
WROTE THAT WAS DAMIEN.
THE BABY FROM--

> THE DEVIL?

> MM-HMM.

> OH, I DIDN'T KNOW.

> NO, NO, THE BABY, THE KID--

> FROM THE OMEN...

> --WHO PLAYED
THE BABY IN THE OMEN.

> SO THE ACTOR...

> YEAH.
HE BECAME A SCREEN WRITER.

> DID YOU ALSO
KNOW THAT TONY DANZA WAS
THE LINDBERGH BABY?

> WHAT?
YOU'RE LYING

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