Gimme some more.
Y'all I'm a little bit behind the times,
since I been blasted in the face with fame.
But thankfully, yours truthfully, Loretta Jenkins
has done caught up on all the
gossips and scandals out there.
And it's time for to bring my viewers of
How I Seize It
to this sick pervert Sandy-
and this whole Pennsyltucky
I hate youngins.
But I hate lower forms of life
like child molesters even more.
So I'm sidin' with the kiddies this go round.
They all talkin' death penalty?
Man, fuck that shit!
Cut of his dick and call it a day!
Let his dickless crotch
and the rest of us start the healin' process for Christsakes
I got my facts backward
and it was like-
I though I heard on the news about
they were talkin' about that Joe Palermo sumbitch...
And I was like,
Oooh, that hot fucker off Magic Mike True Blood
out there molestin' peoples?
Where you get in line for that?
I bet Ol Sandusky and JoePa had a good old time
dressin' up like Sanny Claus and his elf
goin' out there visitin' kiddie hospices.
If you ain't far from the apple and the tree
and you alright with coverin' it up...
That is proof in the puddin'
that you likely a child rapist yourself!
I fuckin' hate Penn State,
and that was before it was cool,
like it is now.
I ain't like these bandwagon newlywed
haters that they gots now.
Only hatin' cause they runned by these
little kiddie dick-diddlers.
I mean they got all those ugly colors,
and homely womens,
and closet faggot redneck fucks...
AND it's out in the middle of nowhere-
I mean really,
what more do you need?
So yeah, the Football Police,
they done put these rules on this school.
And they said,
'Gimme 60 Million Dollars!'
And it kindly made me wished I had a penis
so I could go out there and file me some of them
Hell, most of my underage experiences
was with guys that was hardly makin' minimum.
So you victims go get you that football money.
You earned it!
Go on with your greedy selves!
It ain't no secret that How I Seize It
is your one-stop-shop on the news on the DL.
So sit down tight
and hold onto your danger zones,
cause this here is the
Top Four Additional Penn State Sanctions
that you ain't never gonna hea
unless you tunin' into me.
Number One is...
if you ever betted on a Penn State game.
Well, since magically,
none of them games never happened...
Then they wasn't nothin' to bet on.
So all them bets I lost down at the Sak-N-Sudz
suddenly flip-and reverse,
so I calculate that them sumbitches owes me...
I ain't good at figgers,
so let's just round that up
to a shit load of beer.
We gonna drag out that old statue of JoePa,
push that thing over,
drill a hole up his ass
and let anybody who wants to come up and fuck it!
Take pictures for a dollar!
How's THAT for a scholarship fund?
And we got free strap-ons
for all the womens and childrens out there
who wants them a turn!
Get Granny out here.
She can fuck it!
The mailman can fuck it!
It don't matter. A Brownie can fuck it.
Anybody come up and
put they shit in that hole.
We don't care!
Drill, Baby, Drill!
That make me wanna get me a strap on.
And the third sanction is
they gotta replace all them jock straps and cup protectors
with adult-proof chastity belts.
I think you can get one under your parent's insurance
til you're 26 under that Obamacare.
Oh, and while I got your attention.
What the fuck is a Nittly Lion?
I mean, that the fuck is that, anyway?
One of y'all look that up for me.
Cause I accidentally fuck up my browse
with this Bing shit,
and now I don't even know how to get to my Googles.
Oooh, maybe I get Tank over here to play
Cable Guy/Helpless Housewife
after y'all get the fuck outta here,
since our Coach & Player fantasy
kindly sullied after the misfortune of these recent events.
And finally but not least,
ESPN and the Spice Channel
in conjunction with Discovery Kids
will be offerin' you nightly viewings of
Mr. Sandusky's bareback prison rapes
from now til the end of his sentence.
Dead or Alive,
Rain or Shine,
Come Hell or Highwater!
That's How I Seize It.