Each vampire movie has a completely different set of rules that vampires live by.... more »

Full Credits

Vladislav: Jemaine Clement
Viago: Taika Waititi
Directors/Editors: Jack Bishop & Justin Nijm
Writer: Bryan Safi
Producer: Dan Bernstein
Producer/Coordinator: Eleanor Winkler
DP: Barry Elmore
Camera Operator: Andrew Dickieson
Gaffer: Bill Coleman
Key Grip: Joey Waring
Art Director: Ashley Swanson
Art Assistant: John Flores
Art Assistant: Blaise Smith
Art Assistant: Tom Gerhardt
Wardrobe: Jordy Scheinberg
Hair/MU: Taylor Tompkins
Sound Mixer: Danny Carpenter for BoTown Sound
Coordinator: Libby de Leon
PA: Adam Jacobs
PA: Josh Kay

Transcript


> HELLO?
HELLO COMPUTERS.
IT'S, I THINK IT'S ON.
YES, THERE WE ARE. MY NAME IS VIAGO, AND THIS IS VLADISLAV.

> GOOD EVENING.

> AND WE ARE A COUPLE OF VAMPIRES.
SO PEOPLE OFTEN ASK US WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A VAMPIRE.
WELL, UM, IT'S PRETTY COOL, AND UNFORTUNATELY THERE ARE A FEW LIES
SPREAD ABOUT VAMPIRES, ESPECIALLY IN TELEVISION AND MOVIES, SUCH AS,
TRUE BLOOD,

> VLADISLAV: LIE BLOOD.

> VIAGO: TWILIGHT.

> VLADISLAV: LIE-LIGHT.

> VIAGO: THE LOST BOYS.

> VLADISLAV: THE LYING BOYS.

> VIAGO: INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE.

> VLADISLAV: NOT ENOUGH INTERVIEWS.

> VIAGO: AND BLADE.

> VLADISLAV: THAT WAS ACTUALLY A FUN MOVIE,
FULL OF LIES.

> SO WE'RE HERE TO DISPEL A FEW OF THOSE LIES AND TO SHARE WITH YOU
SOME TRUTHS ABOUT BEING A VAMPIRE.

> TRUTH 1.
VAMPIRES DON'T ALL WEAR CAPES AND WE DON'T ALL SLEEP IN COFFINS.

> YOU'RE WEARING A CAPE.

> YES, I LIKE THE WAY IT BLOWS AROUND WHEN I FLY.

> NUMBER 2.

> HOLY WATER DOES NOT KILL US AND NEITHER DOES GARLIC.

> BUT IF WE'RE ENTERTAINING POTENTIAL VICTIMS WE MIGHT MAKE THEM SOME SPAGHETTI OR SOMETHING
AND SUBSTITUE GARLIC WITH SHALLOTS OR SOME SCALLIONS.

> DO THEY LIKE IT?

> YEAH, THEY REALLY LOVE IT.
MM, YUM, ARE THESE SHALLOTS?
AND THEN I KILL THEM.

> TRUTH 3.
VAMPIRES CAN TURN INTO DIFFERENT KINDS OF ANIMALS.
I CAN BECOME A WOLF.

> AND I GET THE FACE RIGHT.

> I CAN TURN INTO A BAT.

> WITH THE FACE.

> AN ORANGUTAN,

> WITH YOUR FACE.

> BEAR.

> AND DO THE FACE.

> A DOLPHIN.

> WITH A SPLASH.

> A TURTLE.

> AND I GET THE FACE RIGHT.

> I CAN BE AN OUTBACK GUY.

> WITH YOUR FACE.

> NUMBER 4.
VAMPIRES LOVE EVANESCENCE.
(they sing)
Wake me up

> Wake me up inside

> I can't wake up

> Wake me up inside

> Save me

> FIVE.

> IT'S EASY TO BECOME A VAMPIRE, YOU JUST NEED TO BE BITTEN BY A VAMPIRE,
AND THEN FED THE ANCIENT BLOOD OF A VAMPIRE IN THE SACRED RITUAL.

> DON'T PESTER US TO MAKE YOU A VAMPIRE.

> WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

> OH, WHY DON'T YOU TURN ME INTO A VAMPIRE.

> OK, YEAH, SURE. OH YEAH, ANYTIME.

> OK, OK.
TOGETHER: UH, NO.

> 6.
IF YOU HAMMER A STAKE THROUGH OUR HEARTS, WE DIE.

> BUT REALLY ANYTHING WILL DIE IF YOU PUT A STAKE THROUGH IN THE HEART.

> (inaudible)

> SPIDERS.

> DO SPIDERS HAVE HEARTS?

> 8 OF THEM.

> SEVEN.

> CRUCIFIXES.

> DON'T LIKE THEM.
BIBLES.
DON'T LIKE THEM.

> SUNLIGHT.

> DON'T LIKE THEM.
VIRGINS.
TOGETHER: YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM...
(Skype jingle plays)

> WHAT'S THAT?
DEACON'S CALLING.
HELLO DEACON.

> HELLO.

> HEY DEACON.

> CAN YOU HEAR US?

> WHAT ARE YOU LOSERS DOING, HUH?

> MAKING A VIDEO JUST ABOUT THE TRUTHS OF VAMPIRES.

> OH YES, THE TRUTHS?
HERE'S THE VAMPIRE TRUTH, ONE OF EVERY 3 VAMPIRES HAS A BIG DICK.

> OH...

> DEACON YOU'RE A 100 YEAR OLD VAMPIRE, KIDS WATCHING THIS.

> WHAT'S...THE OTHER?

> DEACON ARE YOU OK?

> IS HE MENTAL?

> DEACON YOUR FACE.
(video feed is stuck with Deacon saying "Shit")

> HE'S DEAD.
OH NO, HE'S JUST GONE OFFLINE.

> OK, THAT'S THE END OF THAT, WE'RE DONE.

> THAT WAS REALLY FUN--

> IT WAS, REALLY FUN.

> --TALKING ABOUT FUNNY LOOK WHAT I GOT TODAY.
SHADES OF GREY, C-COCK VIBRATING LOVE RING.

> IT FEELS EMPTY.

> I'M WEARING IT.

> (they sing)

> Wake me up

> Wake me up inside

> I can't wake up

> Wake me up inside

> Save me

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