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Love cannot be contained by any four walls. This is a look into the lives of three... more »
Published July 27, 2010 1.9k views More Info »
99 Funny Votes
27 Die Votes
1,887 Views
Published July 27, 2010
I have a lovely wife. Four children.
I’m an attorney.
-
But nobody knows that I am… this way.
-
I’m a closeted hobosexual.
-
I… would like to believe that there’s hope
For me. I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow.
2 - INT. BRIGHTER HAPPIER LIVING ROOM – DAY
A sensitive, likeable & stylish man on his couch is interviewed with a cup of hot tea.

OUT & PROUD MAN
I was made fun of. Beaten up.
My parents even disowned me.
So I tried to keep it a secret.
-
Until I just had to say to the world,
This is who I am. I am a—

Camera switches from to a two shot, revealing a homeless man sitting lovingly next to Out & Proud Man, with a garbage bag separating him from the couch.

OUT & PROUD MAN
Hobosexual.
-
And this is my partner…

The homeless partner, quite genteel, removes his tattered hat and introduces himself:

KNUCKLES
Knuckles McGee. At your service.

OUT & PROUD MAN
(re: rustling plastic underneath Knuckles)
Well this is just, you know. Cuz of Lice and…

KNUCKLES
That time of year.
(whispers)
Street Fever.

OUT & PROUD
(affirming)
Sometimes he just has these… episodes. Outbreaks.

3 - INT. WEHO RESTAURANT – DAY
An over the top flamboyant, WeHo Queen, sips a cosmo.

WEHO QUEEN
I can’t get enough. Morning, noon
And night, all I want is more.
-
Just a big ol’ hobosexual!
-
It’s not a Choice! It’s who you are!
We are all over the world!

4 - INT. MOSQUE – DAY
An Imam sits in full regalia.

IMAM
What is this Hobosexual? We do not have
this phenomenon, I don't know who has told
you that we have it.

Then an “Arabic-style” Hobo walks behind the Imam.

IMAM
(in Arabic)
Schhh! Back in your cage!
(in English, to Cameraman)
The red light means it’s off, right?

5 - INT. CAR – DAY
Out & Proud man and Knuckles drive. Silent. Nervous. Knuckles does various, yet to be described, hobo activities in the car.

OUT & PROUD MAN
So today we are going to my mom’s house.
First time in years. She’s never met knuckles.
-
But… She says after she left my dad that she’s
Gotten more in touch with herself. Opened her mind.

-
So I’m hoping maybe things will be different.
(chokes up again)
But I just don’t want to get hurt again.

Knuckles hands him a dirty rag to wipe his tears.

OUT & PROUD MAN
Thanks sweetie. Here we are.

Car comes to a stop. They are both confused as they consult their directions & GPS – then look outside.

OUT & PROUD MAN
That’s strange… it says this is the place.

6 - EXT. MOM’S “HOUSE” – DAY
It’s really an alley between a house and a restaurant, but we shoot in a way that doesn’t reveal that yet. The car doors open. Out & Proud Man and knuckles get out.

OUT & PROUD MAN
I thought you people had a perfect
Sense of direction!

KNUCKLES
(hurt)
What do you mean “You people”?

MOM’S VOICE (O.S.)
My baby! I missed you so much!

PAN TO REVEAL: Mom is a hobo, and her house is a box in this alley! She runs to hug the two men.

OUT & PROUD MAN
Mom!?

MOM
(Hugging Knuckles, then her son)
It’s like I have a second son!

7 - INT. CLINIC – DAY
Weho queen is going to get an exam. Looks slightly disheveled, as his faghag roommate cares for him.

WEHO QUEEN
This morning my roommate found me trying
To escape from the apartment…

ROOMATE
He just… he kept saying “good bye… good bye…”

Cut to:

A doctor checks WeHo Queen’s vitals.

DOCTOR
So… Would you say you’ve been feeling wanderlust?

WEHO QUEEN
Yes… Is that bad??

Cut to:

DOCTOR
Well, it’s not good…
Let’s start with your vitals.

Doctor retrieves instrument(thermometer, blood pressure device) from cabinet and as he turns back around, WeHo Queen has magically found a “beggar’s” sign that says: “Why Lie? I’ll use it for beer.”

DOCTOR
Oh no. This is much worse that I thought.

Cut To:

DOCTOR
So these ‘urges’ you keep mentioning… If they persist,
You have to promise me you’ll use a bindle.

Cut To:

WeHo Queen is leaving.
ROOMATE
Is there a cure for street fever?

DOCTOR
No. You just have to outlast it. Make sure
to stay away from boxcars, drum circles
Styrofoam cups… And you should out make it through.

WeHo Queen
But then how do I feel alive, doc! Alive!?

Roomate consoles WeHo. A moment.

8 - EXT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - DAY
Shamed man smokes a cigarette and paces.

SHAMED MAN
This is scary. I’m afraid to go in there.
Yeah. I just want to go home.

SHAMED MAN
I don’t think I can do this.

SHAMED MAN’S AMOROUS HOBO FRIEND (O.S.)
Hey, baby is that you!? You don’t write!
You don’t call! What’s Up with the camera?

SHAMED MAN
Oh no – I know that guy. Let’s go that way.
Quick, quick.

We run away, and the video gets wobbly ala Blair Witch.

Cut To:

9 - EXT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Shamed man is hiding around the corner of a building, breathing hard.
SHAMED MAN
I knew it. This was a horrible idea.
I shouldn’t have done this.

10 - - INT. BRIGHTER HAPPIER LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Out & Proud Man watches Knuckles gather his belongings.

OUT & PROUD MAN
This afternoon at my mom’s was perfect…
But every so often the fever comes back. He’s leaving.

KNUCKLES
Not leaving. I’m a-rambling.

Cut To:

Parting is such sweet sorrow… Knuckles walks away with his bindle. Out & Proud watches. Knuckles turns back & tips his hat.
KNUCKLES
Fare ye well, sayonara, shalom…

OUT & PROUD MAN
He’ll come back… He always does.

11 - INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – EVENING

SHAMED MAN
I guess I’m just gonna have
to live with this… That’s it.
No more cameras guys. I’m done. Turn ‘em off.

Screen goes black.
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