Grandma: I'm hungry, Sam. I want a ham sandwich.
Sam: We don't have any ham, Grandma.
Grandma: Well then go to the store and buy me some.
Grandma: Sam, come in and wipe me! And it's really messy!
Grandma: Sam, if you're headed out, eat this banana.
Grandma: That's the closest thing she's gonna get to putting a dick in her mouth tonight.
Announcer: Have your loved ones reached that age where you just can't take it anymore?
Grandma: Sam, who in the fuck is that guy?
Sam: Grandma, I don't know what you're talking about! Nobody's here!
Announcer: Introducing The Grandmother Smother! Made from all that same bullshit technology NASA's been selling you for the past 20 years, now with the Kevorkian kick that'll have Grandma knitting sweaters in Heaven!
Sam: And the best part is: it's completely painless!!
I love you, Grandma!
Grandma: What are you doing!? Get off of me, you fat bitch! I can't breathe!! I can't breathe!!
Sam: This hurts me more than it hurts you!
Grandma: You're not gonna kill me tonight! I survived the Holocaust and a black president! I can't breath! I can't breathe...
Sam: (crying) Grandma, go to the light! Go to the light! I'll see you in Hell!
Announcer: And that's, uhh...and that's not all. God, I wish that was all.
The pillowcase doubles as a bodybag to dispose of the corpse before the authorities arrive. And I tell you what - call now in the next 20 minutes and we'll really show ya how to put the "spice" back in "hospice" by getting not one, but TWO Grandmother Smothers for your adorably racist grandfather.
Grandfather: This country went to shit when they started letting chinks in!
Announcer: That is adorable! Seriously - we're not gonna kill the grandpas. That Jap shit was on-point.
Grandfather: Who the fuck is this guy!?
Announcer: We're not currently accepting credit, debit, or money order due to paper trail issues. We will personally deliver it to your house for one easy payment of $30! That's right - we rounded it out.
Sam: Bye Grandma.
Grandma: I'm not dead yet, you stupid bitch!
Announcer: If you can't meet us, send your Grandma! Hahaha I'm kidding!