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Published April 17, 2015 12k views More Info »
Full Credits
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Written and Performed By
CREAM
(Sergio Cilli, Casey Feigh, Betsy Sodaro, and Jacob Womack)
Directed By
Sergio Cilli and Nick Wiger
Produced By
Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Directors of Photography
Kenji Levin and Drew Valenti
Editors
Ryan Moulton
Yak Manrique
Diana Fishman
Sound Mix By
Ryan Adams
Featuring
Howie Mandel, Rene, Gube, Pam Murphy, Will Hines, Dave Christenson, Igor Hiller, Mark Schroeder, Joe Hartzler, Julia Cilli, Olivia Norman, Lamar woods, Majeed Nami, Danny Cohen, Ronnie Adrian, Ele Woods, Yesel Manrique, Graham Beckett, Jesse Klein
Gaffers
Chris O'Leary
Spencer Goodall
Derek Vass
Sound
Mike Robertson
Special Thanks
Hollywood Soo Bahk Do Karate
Origami Vinyl
Stats & Data
Transcript

[SOUND].
This is great.

> It's great.

> I can't believe it took so
long to get us together.

> Yeah.
Yeah, how many emails did it take
to get us all in the same spot?

> Oh, man, too many.
I hate email chains.

> At least 15.

> Oh, oh, my God.
Last week my car got towed,
but the funny thing was that-.

> Oh, yeah.
The tow truck driver was your cousin.

> Yeah, I saw that tweet.

> Oh, yeah.
I saw that, too.

> Right?

> I re-tweeted it.

> Yeah, I favorited it.

> It's hot.

> [LAUGH].

> No one sees a fave.

> Yep, I know but
it still means something, right?

> I I actually am not that hungry
because I went to that new burger place.

> On Franklin.

> Yeah, I saw it on Instagram.

> Oh, yeah I did too.
I saw the burger.
It looked huge.

> I liked it.

> I didn't like it.

> Oh oh I've been
meaning to tell you guys.
I got-.

> Fired from you old job at the sporting
goods store, but it's actually been
a blessing because now you can devote
time to your passion writing
Herman's Head fan fiction.

> Yeah you guys

> Saw it on Facebook.
Yeah.
[SOUND].

> Oh, oops, is that me?

> I heard that vibration too.

> It was me.

> Oh, it was kind of me.
[MUSIC]

> At a time when America was
ready to listen to music, but
didn't want to pay full price for it.

> I heard you were the guy
to talk to about CD burner?

> I don't nickel and dime, baby.
CD burner costs 10,000 bucks.
Do you want it or not?

> One man knew just what to do about it.

> I'll take it.
[MUSIC]

> What the hell is this?

> A CD burner.

> Holy shit.

> How many CDs do you want?

> All of them.

> [SOUND] Meet Rose, the owner of the
largest blank CD manufacturing facility in
British Columbia.

> I want to go into business
with you right away.

> Whew.

> I can burn one CD an hour.
hours equals 24 CD's,
CD's $8 a pop equals $192.
times 30 equals almost
,800 bucks a month.

> Where are we gonna put all the money?

> I'll check the closet.
[MUSIC]
We're gonna need a bigger boat dude.
[MUSIC]
[NOISE].

> I'm Luke.

> I know who you are.
You're that guy that burns CDs.
Isn't that dangerous or whatever?

> Whatever.
I'm great at what I do Dad.
[NOISE].

> You would have been good at anything.

> Anyone can burn CDs now.
Anyone.

> Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.

> What's the matter?
Where'd you get this?

> I made it, man.

> Where'd you get this, huh?
What?

> Aah!

> I don't need you anymore.
Anyone can burn CDs.

> What?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa. >: Get all of your
CDs out of my goddamn basement.

> Luke.

> You had a good run, Luke.
Just walk away.

> You're done Luke.
Everyone's sharing music for
free on Napster.

> What the fuck is Napster?
What the fuck is Napster, you guys?

> It's this thing on the internet.

> [SOUND] Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[MUSIC]
So, what do you wanna know?
[MUSIC]
We're gonna burn some more CDs, and
we'll be back in a couple hours.

> [CROSSTALK] Yeah.

> Oh, that's fast.
[MUSIC]

> Pardon my reach.

> Would you mind taking a photo of us?

> Yeah sure.
[CROSSTALK].

> Okay, lunch pic.

> Ready?

> Best brunch ever.
[CROSSTALK].

> Great, thank you.

> Yeah.
Could you text that to me?

> Yeah, I just did.

> You are [INAUDIBLE].

> Hey Casey, can we talk about your piece
at the Times that Gilmore Girls accurately
summed up life?

> Yeah, why you didn't like it?

> Loved it.

> Just put it in list format,
things, seven things.

> Right, I'm sorry.

> Just get your shit together.
This is Buzzfeed.
[NOISE]
[MUSIC]

> Okay guys,
what if blank was like blank.
I need some more pitches.
Let's go.

> What if adults ate like babies?
[LAUGH].

> That's so good.

> What if gardening was like dating?

> Oh. [LAUGH] >: That's funny.
That's clever.

> What if couples said
what they actually mean?
[LAUGH].

> Yes, exactly because
all relationships are terrible, and
nobody actually says what they mean, and
love isn't real, right?

> What if candy came
out of your pee hole?

> That's brilliant.

> Let's make a video.

> Yes.

> Oh Kim,
I saw your video 15 things
all skinny boys hear.
I never knew that they
heard all those things.
[LAUGH] So good, such an important list.

> [LAUGH].

> What's so funny?

> Oh,
I gave teenagers an old video game, and
one of them just said this game is old.

> [LAUGH] Wow, that's viral for sure.

> Yeah.
[SOUND] Okay, okay,
what if all homeless people were ghosts?

> [CROSSTALK].

> You wouldn't know.

> What if, what if this,
what if this was our national anthem?
[SOUND] [LAUGH].

> Yes. Yes. Yes.
Oh, oh I have one like that.
What if politicians were aloe vera plants.
[LAUGH].

> It is like that.
It is like that.

> Kim, great work on that is your
girlfriend great or just a possum video.
My girlfriend's a possum.

> Oh, yeah, totally.

> Aw, it's gonna be great.
The video is called 72 Dad Jokes
That Are Perfect That Don't Involve
You Pulling His Finger, so it's gonna
get like 10 million views, for sure.
You're in?
[LAUGH] Great.
And the budget is $0, so could you
actually bring some water for the crew?
Yes, all right, sweet.
Thanks.
Dave, Tudy's in.

> What, what if, what if, what if going
to the DMV was like going to a night club?

> That's perfect [LAUGH]
because they're opposites, but
they both have large crowds.
Great.

> What if,
what if lying made girls horny?

> No.
That's stupid and cliche.
Hey, let's do it.

> [NOISE] [LAUGH] Great job.

> You guys hungry?
All right, let's eat some shit.

> Oh, nice is this yours?

> Yeah.

> Man I hate when people ask me
what I think about Bill Cosby.

> I hate that, too.

> Hey Ronnie.

> You hate it when people ask
you about Bill Cosby?

> Yeah.
We got one?

> We got one.
[LAUGH] One thing all
black guys don't like.
[SOUND].

> Wait a second.
Number plus what if something
was something else equals video?
[SOUND].
[MUSIC]

> Hey, Kim.
I saw your video on disproportionate
incarceration rate of
black men in America.
It was amazing.

> Oh, thank you.

> You're fired.
This is BuzzFeed.
Take that shit to HelloGiggles.
[SOUND].

> Oh my God,
you have to read this article about
how were all on our phones too much.
I posted it on my Facebook page.

> Oh yeah, I saw that one, too.
I put it on my page, too.

> Yeah, one of the top 11
articles I've read this year.

> So good, so true, too.

> Yeah.

> I'm on Facebook right now.

> Okay, so
here we are on our way to Robert's.
The guy you've been dating online for
five years.
How are you feeling?

> I'm nervous.
I just hope he is who he says he is.

> There is a chance that he might not be.
Who he says he is.

> There are some red flags, right?
I mean, he's a model.
He's successful.
But you've never FaceTimed or Skyped?

> He's camera shy.

> But he's a model, right?

> Right.

> Right, so I mean right there
that feels a little weird.

> Oh no.

> Here we are.

> Do you think he's a catfish?
[MUSIC]
Let's find out.
[MUSIC]
[SOUND].

> I just can't wait to look into his big
blue eyes.

> Guys, I think I see something.

> Is it him?
Did I tell you that we
phone sex all the time?

> Yes, many, many times.

> Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
[MUSIC]

> Oh my god.

> I can't believe it's you.

> I'm sorry.
I need a minute.
Sorry, I'm, I'm very overwhelmed.
Who is that guy?

> Robert, from the photos right?

> Yeah, but his eyes.

> They're brown.
He has blue eyes in all of his pictures.

> It might be about my eyes.
My brown eyes.
I told her I had blue eyes.

> His eyes look like two
little pieces of [BLEEP].

> Okay.
I mean they're, I mean,
they're brown, right?

> Stacy, I love you.

> You're a liar.

> Look, okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Are you a model?

> Big time, yes.

> Okay.
All right.
Is your name Robert?

> My name is Robert.

> And, do you, you, love Stacy?

> 100%.

> Do you have blue eyes?

> No.

> Liar.
He once sent me pictures
of his big blue eyes.
We met on blueeyedboys.com.

> Okay, all right, okay.
But, but you've been dating
this guy online for five years.

> I flicked my fat bean to
those pictures every night.

> Okay, all right.
But, I mean, wow look at him.
He's, he's a good looking guy.

> I mean, you've seen the show, right?
I mean, this is,
this is the best result we've had.

> I don't have blue eyes, okay.

> Can we not just look past this tiny,
tiny detail?

> I can.

> No, I can't.
[SOUND].

> I hate this show, fucking show.
Stacey, hey.

> Hey guys.

> What's going on?

> Well, I've moved on.
No more liars.

> That's great.
Are, are you seeing anyone?

> I am actually.

> Oh [BLEEP].

> Well, I'm glad that you
found what you're looking for.

> Thank you.

> [LAUGH] She's great.
Robert, hey Robert.

> Hey guys.

> What, what happened to your eyes?
After the Stacy thing, I cut my eyes out.
So I'm just kinda figuring that all out.
Not modeling anymore.

> Jesus, are you like, okay?

> You know,
honestly it's pretty day to day.
You're not supposed to cut your eyes out.

> Right.
Okay, well, best of luck.
We really thought you were an awesome guy.

> Hey.
See you later.
[LAUGH] I don't know.

> [LAUGH] Okay, see he's kinda.
Okay, bye.

> Bye.

> He's, I mean, he's still like-.

> He's so pretty, he was so
pretty and good looking for a guy.

> I know, I know.

> Well, that was a weird one.

> Hm.
[MUSIC]

> Hello?
Hello?
Is anyone else alive?

> Yeah.
Yeah, I'm right here.
Oh my God, what happened?
Oh God.

> I think the building collapsed.
Do you see any daylight?

> No.
I don't see anything.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, we're going to die down here.
Oh my god, I just.
Oh god, I just wish I could talk to my
family and tell them how much I love them.

> Yeah, I guess.

> What?
You, you don't wanna
talk to your family and
tell them all the things
you never got to say?

> No, yeah, I mean sure it sounds great
in theory it just seems like a lot to put
on a person you know?

> My god,
oh my god is that your cellphone?

> Yeah.

> Well, answer it.
[SOUND].

> Hello?
[SOUND] Hi, honey.
[MUSIC]
No, no I'm not in the building.
Nah I, I left early.
Went to get a pizza for you and Danny.
/11 all over again, huh?
Wow, good thing I left early.
I'll be home in 15 minutes
with spicy pizza pie.
Okay, bye.
[MUSIC]

> What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that?

> What, what do you mean you said
yourself we're going to die down here.

> Yeah,
don't you want to tell your wife that?
Tell her everything?
And, and tell her that you love her and
you'll always be there for her?

> [SOUND] Oh Jeez.
Oh, it's her again.
Helloeeoeeo.

> Help us please.
We're in a building.

> Hey sorry honey, couldn't hear you.
There's some skate punks
outside this Papa John's.
You kids should be home.
It's a school night.
[MUSIC]
No one survived?
Oh, well, it's a good thing
I'm not in the building, and
instead I'm eating this, ooh,
ooh, hot, hot spicy pie.
Mm, pizza on the way home.
Don't, please don't yell at me.
No, you're right.
I shouldn't,
I shouldn't be eating and driving.
You're right.
I don't wanna get in an accident.
Honey, I love you.
And, in a normal way.
[LAUGH] You nerd.
[LAUGH] [NOISE] Okay, bye.

> Do you think your wife is not gonna
be haunted by that phone call for
the rest of her life?
You called her nerd, you honked at her,
and you made fake pizza sounds.

> Look, I'm just trying to do
the best for my family, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Helloeeoeeo.
Hey.
No, don't put him on.
Don't.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, pal.
Oh, you saw the news and got scared, huh?
/11 all over again.
That's what they're saying, huh?
Well don't worry pal cuz
I'm not in that building.
I'm home picking up some pizza and,
who said that?
Your mom said she lost her job?
Oh, well I'll take care of you.
Yeah, both of you forever.
That's my promise.
Yep.
Sure you can stay up 'til I get home.
Yeah, as long as it takes.
Okay, great, great.
Okay.
Sorry I wasn't a better father to you.
Bye.
[MUSIC]

> Can't believe I'm gonna
die next to an idiot.

> Look,
there's no right way to do this, okay?
I'm just trying my best.

> You're fucking it up.
Now can I use your phone to call my
husband and tell him everything?
[NOISE] Ugh.
[COUGH] Hey Donovan,
it's me.
Good to hear from you too.
Whoa, 9/11 all over again, huh?
Everybody's saying that.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah, no, I I didn't go into work today.
Nope.
I I didn't go to work today, and
I am calling you from my coworker,
Mark's cell phone because.
We're in a dirty motel right now and
he's fucking me hard.
Oh God, yeah he is.
Yeah, baby.
And, and I don't love you anymore and
I want a divorce.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, I'll see you at home in five
minutes with the divorce pizza, bye.
Oh.
Oh my God.
That was harder than I thought.

> Are you guys looking
at Instagram right now?

> Yes.

> Do you see that just got his
picture taken with French Stuart?

> Unbelievable.

> How does he do that?
[CROSSTALK].

> Man, lucky man, unbelievable.

> I just wish a celebrity
would take a picture with us?

> I couldn't help but over hear
I could help you out if you want?

> Just like Tabor,
how do you even get that picture like
just hanging out by his house or
something?

> Every week.

> And then he has to brag about it.

> Yeah.
You know just like take the picture.
Have it for yourself.

> Hashtag No Big Deal.

> Hashtag No Big Deal.
That's a big deal.

> It's bragging.
That's for sure going to get,
that's like a triple digit like.

> Yeah.

> That's, like, so for sure.
That's, like, a big deal.

> For me, if I got a picture like that-.

> I'm Howie Mandell.

> [INAUDIBLE] has all the luck.

> Guys, guys.
I just looked at the Yelp review
of this place.
They said it's always windy, there
are no celebrities and the food's bad.
Let's get out of here.

> Okay, great.

> It was really good seeing you guys.

> Yeah, this food was bad.

> Take a picture with me.
Howie Mandell.
Okay, selfie.
Could you guys move?
I'm gonna take a selfie.
Could you get?

> Yeah.

> Get out of the table?
Thanks.
Get away with that.
No, I'm sorry, you guys,
could you move out?
I'm trying to get a, no just spread out,
I'm trying to get a selfie here.
So everybody, thanks.
[SOUND].

> Never deny your shins.

> Hm.

> Very good.

> Hi, sensei, I'm Jacob.
This is my first day.
I just want to let you know
that I have silly arms.

> And what are silly arms?

> I have loose arms.
It's like noodle arms, but
the clinical term is silly arms.

> Oh, okay, well.
You know,
sometimes silly is the best defense.
Let's warm up.

> Thank you.
[FOREIGN] Strike!

> Ha.

> Strike.

> Ha.

> Strike.

> Ha.

> Strike.

> Ha.

> [MUSIC]

> I've never seen anyone
punch like that before.

> Maybe it's cuz of his silly arms.
I don't think you can do
karate with silly arms.

> Punch.

> I'm punching normal,
this is a normal punch.

> You know what a normal punch is.
Everybody, everybody's punching normal but
you.

> You see how it would hit.

> Sparing.
Jacob versus Casey.

> Will you hold my glasses.

> Mm-hm, of course.

> Thank you.
[MUSIC]

> Bow.

> [FOREIGN].

> [SOUND] Can't even block
with those silly arms.

> You couldn't either.
I mean it's gotta be impossible
to do karate with silly arms.
[SOUND].

> What are you doing?
[SOUND].
Max.
That was the easiest fight of my life.
You know, because of the silly arms.

> If I had silly arms,
I would never do karate.

> [NOISE] Sparring!
Jacob versus Bessie.

> Will you hold my glasses?

> Of course, I will.

> Huh boy, I wonder if it's cuz he's got
those silly arms that he's making him
fight a girl now.

> I want to fight those silly arms.
[SOUND].

> Oh.

> People say he does charity work?

> Yeah, right.
How can he do charity
with those silly arms?

> There's no way he's calling his mommy
on the weekend with those silly arms.
I wanna punch him.

> I don't like him because
of his silly arms, and
because he's trying to do karate.

> [FOREIGN] Sparring Jacob versus Sergei.

> Hold my glasses.

> Okay.

> Wow, he's the best in class.
This should be good.
[MUSIC]

> Heh, heh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's him.

> You know there's a person
attached to these silly arms?

> All I see are silly arms.
[SOUND].
[MUSIC]

> If he wants to see silly arms,
you show him silly arms.
[FOREIGN].
[MUSIC]

> Oh, no.

> Whoa.
Oh, no.
I wonder if he's mad or happy.
Does he think it's cool?
Or does he think it's bad?

> This guy's pretty cool for
a freak with silly arms.

> It's cool.
It's cool.

> [FOREIGN]
[MUSIC]

> I can see.

> Yeah.
[MUSIC]
[SOUND].

> Okay guys,
what if blank was like blank, let's go,
pitches, pitches, pitches.

> Okay, what if a, what if a, what if a
concentration camp was like a summer camp?

> [LAUGH] Yeah, I can't wait to go there!

> Yeah.

> What if a what if old
people listen to rap music?

> [LAUGH] They'd be like, oh,
I like this funky music [LAUGH] okay?

> What if politicians
were aloe vera plants?

> [LAUGH] Just write it.

> Yeah.

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