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Published April 17, 2014 1.6k views More Info »
Hey idgits & bitches!
I am Loretta Jenkins.
Your sex goddess!
And I am all for lettin' your freaky fag fly
but even I think you
should draw the line somewhere.
So in this How I Seize It,
we're gonna cover some of these
weirdo wacko things
that folks is passin' off
as they sexual fetishes.
I mean they's normal fetishes,
like when people wants to
handcuff ya or spank ya
or choke ya with a ball gag in your mouth.
You know…
Gettin' rough? That's sexy.
What is so goddamn sexy about balloons?
Thems for children's.
They is this fat fuck on the TV?
He gets off by blown' up balloons,
talkin' about balloons,
touchin' em, rubbin' em…
I mean it ain't like I really wanted to see it,
but when was he gonna pull out
his pecker and like do somethin' with it?
I mean ain't this a sex show?
Ya feel me?
Yeah I bet you'd like to
goddamn horn dogs…
Hey I met this dude on Craigslist
and he says he's gonna give me
$100 and a case a bee
if I would just come ove
and stop his testicles
with a pair of thigh high, high heeled boots.
And I figure, well shit-
He's paying' me so
I might as well do my best
and that ungrateful sumbitch
got all sue-happy just cause
I turned his boys into a couple
of sacks of jellyflesh.
I told that judge-
I said, "I done the world a favor."
This sumbitch ought not to be out there
procreation' and roamin' the streets.
I provided a service.
So-
Hold up.
So I been siphenin' off my neighbor's
Netflix and Hulu station and shit…
Cause I don't believe in gettin' in bed
with this Comcast-Time Warner-Ma Bell conglomeration.
So I just get in bed
with the internet pirates
and I watch my shit for free!
So I been watchin' this sex show
and Laws Amizey…
I am surprised I still got eyeballs in my head.
Now y'all know how I feel on fatties,
but has y'all ever head of Feedies?
Aww man, this is why
we got such fat fuckers out there.
Fuck this Bigger Loser nonsense!
Feedies is goddamn enablers.
I broke one of my flamingoes…
Goddamn fatties get me all work up.
Mess up my fuckin' set!
This, here-
Hey y'all, does my titties look good?
I got on body glitter,
can ya tell?
You know all these Feedies,
they get all aroused about
gettin' these bitches fatter and fatte
until a fireman gotta come
get them out they house.
What is wrong with y'all
gluttonous heathens?
All I gots to say about that interracial couple-
You know that fat bitch that
want to weigh a thousand pounds?
That black fella of hers must have
a two foot pecker in orde
to get up in that giant squidbilly.
That is- Fuck, ugh!
She say, "I got good blood pressure.
I'm healthy!"
Yeah, for Shamu.
Yeah, you the picture of fuckin' health.
Only started watchin' that damn show
cause they was gonna have a dude on
that had like the world's longest man-meat.
And y'all know I am all about
some hefty dick.
But this Prudy Pringle asshole,
he say he don't believe in porn.
I mean, goddamn-
The Lord done blessed ya.
It's a sin not to show
the world your talents.
Course, he wasn't much to look at…
He said,
"My cock's so big,
aint' no gal what can take it."
So I reckon that's why he bisexual.
Cause them fags,
they can take a fist or two sometimes.
I mean I'm just imagining,
I ain't never watched it.
Hey, what other sexual fetishes
freaks y'all out?
Y'all tell me what kind of shit ya into
and maybe we have you on
for a demonstration.
Unless you a Furbie.
I done told you back in my
Halloween episode in 2010
what's I feel about them
goddamn Furbies.
I ain't down with fuckin' animals.
That goddamn Furbie
knock my teeth out
in that kerfluffle.
Y'all member?
Okay y'all,
this here's a list
of the top five fetishes
that I found on the internets
that's the most offensive.
Next time you on a date,
you might wanna scroll down
this list with your gentleman caller,
cause you fixin' to get into
some crazy shit.
DENDROPHELIA:
Bein' attracted to trees.
I mean how in the hell do you realize
you are into fuckin' wood with your woody?
I mean y'all need to
think on that next time
you eatin' maple syrup,
cause like, you know, Vermont?
It get cold and lonely up there!
Goddamn hippies.
You don't never know what they up to.
AUTOTUNIA:
That might be when you wanna
have sex with Cher!
(laughs)
Naw, dumbasses.
It's pronounced differently!
But that's when dudes
like to be dressed up like babies.
That is not a fetish,
that is a mental disorder.
Onto Number 3.
MUCOPHELIACS:
People what gets turned on
by eatin' boogers and snot and shit-
Y'all I ain't makin' this up.
These people probably work at
local day care centers.
I mean they ain't got no pride.
They be lickin' on your youngins
and suckin' they snot out they noses!
That's probably why there's so much
flu goin' around!
It's goddamn disgustin'!
Put your kid in a bubble!
Or better yet, quit havin' 'em!
Number 4:
Huh?
MORPHELIA:
Oh goddamn!
That's bein' attracted to midgets!
(burps)
I can't watch that Game of Scones,
it don't matter how much cock be swingin'.
I….I can not do little peckers.
And number five is…
Make sure your date
is not a ACROPHELIAC,
or any time you poot,
be gonna be jerkin' and sniffin'.
Dutch oven for days!
You steer free of these freaks
and your social life will that me!
And that's How I Seize It.
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