Starring Kris Humphries Directed by Avin Das Written by Nick Wiger & Avin Das Produced by Christin Trogan Associate Producer: David Gardner Director of Photography: Antonio Scarlata Editor: Ryan Ovadia Featuring: Cathryn Mudon, James Coker, & Rick Shine Production Designer: Noah Grant-Levine Production Design Assistants: Gino Fortebuono & Chester Johnson Hair & Makeup: ChristyDiane Smith Wardrobe Stylist: Sinclair Tucker Sound: Reed Adler & Jeff Santana of SilverSound Special Thanks: Vivian Gomez & Matt Kirschner Wardrobe for Mr. Humphries courtesy of Bloomingdale's, New York, NY
Cathryn Mudon: Kris Humphries, we are so happy
you could meet with us.
Kris Humphries: Well, I'm looking for
James Coker: Chris, lets face facts.
You're the most hated player in the NBA.
Kris Humphries: L-Look, it's really not
that big of a deal--
Cathryn Mudon: Kris, the entire
basketball arena is a
Cathryn Mudon: God fearing Americans just want to reach out, and just
Cathryn Mudon: punch you in that
beautiful little face.
Kris Humphries: I'm just focused on
Cathryn Mudon: Win those games. We just
need to make sure
Cathryn Mudon: that the fans just hate you.
Think Artest. Laimbeer. Rodman.
Cathryn Mudon: Sweetie, being hated is
where the money is.
James Coker: We're going to put your face
on punching bags, urinal cakes.
James Coker: Check this out.
On toilet paper.
Cathryn Mudon: We want America wiping
their asses on your face.
James Coker: I want to wipe my ass
with your face Kris.
Cathryn Mudon: We've even developed a
video game where we
Cathryn Mudon: just have you, and then
we kick you in the dick.
Kris Humphries: That's just bad--
Cathryn Mudon: Kick the Dick.
It's so fun.
James Coker: Kick your dick.
No points or anything.
James Coker: It's just dick kicking.
James Coker: Kris Humphries
Dick Kicker 2012.
James Coker: 2 million copies already
sold on pre-order.
Kris Humphries: 2 million copies?
Cathryn Mudon: Cha
James Coker: Ching
[mimics an explosion]
Kris Humphries: Alright, look, what else
do you guys have here.
Cathryn Mudon: Such a great question.
So glad you asked.
Cathryn Mudon: Can we get the
make a wish--
Cathryn Mudon: Can we get the make
a wish kid in?
Rick Shine: Hi.
Rick Shine: Hi.
Cathryn Mudon: Do you have anything you would
like to say to Mr. Humphries?
Rick Shine: Yes.
Rick Shine: Go fuck yourself.
Rick Shine: Felt great.
Kris Humphries: T-That's not even a kid.
That's a little man.
James Coker: He has 3 hours
left to live,
James Coker: and his dying wish was to
tell you go fuck yourself.
Cathryn Mudon: That is so beautiful.
You have a gift Kris.
James Coker: You're very special.
James Coker: So special. It reminds me of that
woman on Touched by an Angel.
Cathryn Mudon: Which woman?
James Coker: The angel.
Cathryn Mudon: Right.
Kris Humphries: Fine. I get it. What do you
guys want me to do?
James Coker: Take it up a notch.
Cathryn Mudon: Make overtime.
Kris Humphries: Guys,
Kris Humphries: this feels terrible.
Cathryn Mudon: Well, it's because you
got the wrong sunglasses.
Cathryn Mudon: We don't want you to
look like an ass hole.
Cathryn Mudon: We just want you to
look like a douchebag.
James Coker: Yeah, all the biggest
James Coker: sunglasses in doors.
Cathryn Mudon: Absolutely. Well, except
for blind people.
James Coker: They don't count.
Cathryn Mudon: They can't help it.
James Coker: No.
Cathryn Mudon: Gosh. There's still
James Coker: Maybe, something
on the neck?
Cathryn Mudon: Yes. Let's get your name
tattoo'd across your neck
Cathryn Mudon: in that Jurassic
Kris Humphries: What's next?
James Coker: We got you slated to star
next Dane Cook in
James Coker: the next sequel
to Simon Sez.
Cathryn Mudon: We have several award
ceremonies booked for you
Cathryn Mudon: to just spontaneously ruin.
We'd like you to legally change your
Cathryn Mudon: name to Betta
Fish World War 3.
Kris Humphries: Look guys, you don't
Kris Humphries: I'm from the Midwest.
I cried when Mufasa died in
Kris Humphries: the Lion King.
Kris Humphries: I'm outta here. I'm going with
grandma to the animal shelter.
Cathryn Mudon: Kris, come back.
James Coker: Kris.
Cathryn Mudon: No.
James Coker: Kris.
James Coker: What a douchebag.
Cathryn Mudon: Right?
Cathryn Mudon: He had to ruin
The Lion King for me.
James Coker: You've never seen
The Lion King?
Cathryn Mudon: No. It's in