HOSTAGE: A Love Story with Zachary Quinto

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The video opens with Zachary Quinto bursting into a restaurant wearing a hoodie and wielding a handgun he points at the cashier, Holt Bailey.

Zachary Quinto: Hands up mother fuckers! This is a fucking robbery! Empty the fucking register now!

Holt Bailey pulls out a shotgun and points it at Zachary Quinto.

Holt Bailey: Not today asshole!

Zachary Quinto grabs Roberta Valderrama and puts the gun to her head.

Zachary Quinto: Back the fuck off or I’ll cap this bitch right in the fucking head, right fucking now, right in front of your fucking face!

Roberta Valderrama: Please, please, please! He’s serious. He’ll do it.

Holt Bailey lowers the shotgun. The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto dragging Roberta Valderrama out the door and down the alley.

Roberta Valderrama: Oh my God, please don’t kill me.

Zachary Quinto: Shut the fuck up.

Roberta Valderrama: Oh no please, my blood sugar’s low. I haven’t eaten anything all day.

Zachary Quinto cocks the handgun and points it at Roberta Valderrama.

Roberta Valderrama: Have you?

Zachary Quinto pauses and thinks hard about the question. The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama sitting in a restaurant and laughing. Zachary Quinto is still pointing the gun at her head.

Roberta Valderrama: That was the last time I ever crashed a PTA meeting.

Zachary Quinto: Stop, you’re crazy.

The waitress, played by Staci Roberts, comes over with a sandwich for Roberta Valderrama and a salad for Zachary Quinto.

Staci Roberts: That’s one tuna sandwich and one Caesar salad.

Roberta Valderrama: Wait, is this smoked guta? I thought I ordered regular guta.

Zachary Quinto: Wait a minute, the guta’s smoked?

Roberta Valderrama: It’s ok. It’s just my dad died of lung cancer. I’ll just pick it off.

Zachary Quinto: No, no, no, I’ll get this. (grabs Roberta Valderrama’s shoulder) Get me some fucking regular guta over here right now you fucking bitch or I’ll blow this fucking bitch’s head off right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch.

Staci Roberts rushes away.

Roberta Valderrama: How’d you get so sweet?

Zachary Quinto: Oh, I have sisters.

The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama in bed together.

Zachary Quinto: I’m sorry.

Roberta Valderrama: It’s ok, baby. It happens to everybody.

Zachary Quinto: Not to me it doesn’t. (He points the handgun at her head and speaks to his penis) You’re going to get hard right now. If you don’t start working, I swear to God I’m going to do this bitch right in the fucking head right in front of your tiny little mushroom face you fucking bitch.

Roberta Valderrama: Oh, he’ll do it. He will fucking do it.

Zachary Quinto: Look who just came to the party.

Roberta Valderrama: I love you. Do you love me?

Zachary Quinto: For realsies babe.

The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto down on one knee, pointing the gun at Roberta Valderrama.

Zachary Quinto: Honey, will you marry me?

Roberta Valderrama: Of course. Of course I will.

The shot cuts to Roberta Valderrama giving birth.

Zachary Quinto (offscreen): You OK baby?

Roberta Valderrama: Yeah. You?

The shot pans to reveal Zachary Quinto filming the birth and pointing the gun at Roberta Valderrama.

Zachary Quinto: I feel a little faint.

Roberta Valderrama: Just remember baby, you’ll do this fucking bitch right here.

Zachary Quinto: Right, right! Get this fucking baby out of her vagina now or I’ll fucking do this bitch in the fucking head, right in front of your fucking face you fucking doctor bitch.

A baby is heard crying and Zachary Quinto passes out. The shot cuts to a little boy chasing a little girl with a water pistol.

Martin Santelli (little boy): Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Zachary Quinto is holding a baby and pointing a gun at Roberta Valderrama while she does dishes.

Zachary Quinto: Will you stop pointing that gun at your sister. Jesus Christ, where do they get this fucking shit?

Roberta Valderrama: It’s those damn video games.

Zachary Quinto (to baby): Alright baby, time to fucking fall asleep, right now. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Jesus Christ. Fuck this, I’m outta here.

Zachary Quinto shoves the baby into Roberta Valderrama’s arms.

Roberta Valderrama: Christ. Do I have to do everything around here? Oh, that’s it. Run away. Run away into your bottle, you son of a bitch!

The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto having a drink with Rachael Harris in a bar.

Zachary Quinto: I don’t understand. It used to be so great. Now, my marriage, my kids, I feel completely trapped.

Rachael Harris: Wow, and I thought I had a big pussy. I gotta get outta here.

Zachary Quinto: No, hey, please just have one more drink with me.

Rachael Harris: Yeah, I don’t think so.

The shot pulls back to reveal Roberta Valderrama standing next to Zachary Quinto with the gun pointed at her.

Zachary Quinto (to bartender-Corey Moosa): Hey! Get this fucking bitch a drink or I’ll do this other bitch in the fucking head right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch.

Roberta Valderrama (unconvincingly): He’ll do it. He will fucking do it.

The shot cuts to Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama having a therapy session with Brent Sexton.

Brent Sexton: So, I think was a really great session. (to Zachary Quinto) Do you feel you understand what I’m saying?

Zachary Quinto: Yes. You’re saying I don’t need to feel trapped by my love. It should set me free.

Brent Sexton: No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. This is a horrible relationship.

Zachary Quinto: Honey, I’m sorry. And I promise that I will never run away again.

Roberta Valderrama: And I’m so sorry to and I promise I will never fuck our therapist again.

Zachary Quinto: What?

Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama kiss. The shot cuts to a montage of “pictures” of the rest of Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama’s life together. The shot then cuts to Zachary Quinto and Roberta Valderrama made up to look old, sitting on a park bench and looking at a photo album. The shot then cuts to them coming into a dark house.

Zachary Quinto: So the kids aren’t joining us for supper then.

Roberta Valderrama: It’s just us. We’ll have to spend our fiftieth anniversary alone.

Zachary Quinto: Ah.

Roberta Valderrama: What a matter, you don’t love me anymore?

Zachary Quinto: Of course I do, for realsies babe. For realsies.

The lights come on and a gathering of friends and family scream surprise. The gun goes off and everyone is sprayed with blood. Roberta Valderrama is dead on the floor.

Zachary Quinto: Woops.