America is the greatest country in the world. And do you
know what makes it so great? We do. The Rich. We are the American Dream—the
idea that one day, if you work hard enough, you too could become one of The Rich.
But so few people appreciate us for all of the good we do.
We hold lavish, fancy benefits and raise other people’s money for good causes.
And of course, we work tirelessly to change the laws and regulations so that we
can keep all of our money when we make it—and we do it all for you. Sure, those
tax cuts for the wealthy have made life a little harder for some people, but
when your lottery numbers finally hit, and you cash that big check, you’ll
We’re The Rich, and we care. We’re looking after your best interests.
Oh, who—or more pretentiously, whom—the
hell am I kidding? I know that’s all a heaping load of crap, and so do you. But
you know what’s so great? Even though it’s a heaping load of crap, you’re still
willing to buy it.
Would you compromise your morals and ethics, take away the
rights of others, undermine the foundation of the U.S. Constitution, and
ultimately limit your own freedom for $100 million and a private jet? What
about for $20 and a coupon for Netflix?
Hey, there’s no need to get all huffy. We’ve already
established that you’re a cowardly, opportunistic, shortsighted whore. Now,
we’re just negotiating price.
Look at the world today. Integrity, self-respect, compassion
and altruism are on the endangered species list. It’s gotten so easy (not to
mention cheap) to control you that it almost takes all of the fun out of it. I
mean, when we can convince almost half of the country that affordable,
available, quality health care is a bad
thing, and get them to fight tooth and nail for the right to give more money to the private insurance
companies that we control, what do we do for an encore?
We don’t even have to hide in the shadows anymore because
you’re too weak to stop us. We just finished causing the biggest financial
crisis since the Great Depression. We gobbled up your savings, your retirement,
and your pensions, and what did you do? You gave us billions in tax dollars fo
dessert. Now that you’re working two jobs and still not making ends met, you
don’t even have enough energy left to complain.
We’ve almost completely eliminated the so-called “middle
class.” We’ve taken your anger and manipulated you into gutting every social
program that supports the poor. You’re too stupid to realize that it’s only a
matter of time until you’ll be poor and
wishing those programs were there to help you and your family. And once we’ve
sucked up all of your money, we’ll go after the “wealthy” and the “uppe
class.” They’re so stupid that they won’t see us coming until it’s too late.
It’s never been “trickle-down” economics. It’s always been
“trickle-up.” All of the money,
wealth and resources of the world are flowing up to the very top where they
belong. Soon, we’ll have it all. Soon, we’ll own everything and everyone in the
world. And then, we’ll finally be
God, I love this country. I wonder how much China would pay for it?