An irreverent sketch about a guy looking for porn at a Christian Adult store
- July 22, 2010
- 559 Views
July 22, 2010
B: Yeah… I was just wondering what this place was all about – like, do you sell, you know… porn, or what?
A: It is not pornography we sell. Pornography is offensive to the lord, and we have nothing to do with it. We sell only films and magazines of loving, married Christian couples engaging in a celebration of their holy union.
B: So… porn?
A: Not porn.
B: Are they naked?
A: They are in the blissful state in which god made them, yes.
B: And they’re having sex.
A: They are copulating, yes.
B: That’s porn, dude.
A: …I’m so tired of people not understanding this. Look, pornography is sinful. It is a sin. We do not deal in sin, so what we sell should not be called porn. Now, are you going to buy something, or are you just here to taunt me?
B: Um… both, actually. What kind of variety do you have in this not-porn store, anyway?
A: Well, I suggest our newest feature, “The Snake in the Garden of Eden,” and our top-seller, “Samson and Delilah.” You can find that in the “shaved” section.
B: Alright… do you have, like, money-shot reels and back-door stuff?
A: That sounds like sodomy, sir. And as I said, we are a sin-free adult store, so no.
B: No dude – sodomy is the gay stuff. That’s why I came in here, because I don’t want the gay stuff. I just want a lot of butt-action and money shots, that’s all.
A: Actually, any sexual act that doesn’t result in procreation is considered sodomy by the lord, and sodomy is a sin. You’ve heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, haven’t you?
B: Yeah, but I don’t worry too much about those – I use protection and get checked regularly.
A: No, I mean – never mind. And condoms, by the way, are the devil’s sweater-vest. We sell no material with them.
B: Woah! You guys sell bare-back? That stuff is hot! Maybe I’ll buy something after all. Now, these pornos – I mean, flicks –
A: Marital enhancement films?
B: Okay. These that, do they focus mainly on the chicks – I mean, wives? Because I don’t really dig looking at dudes that much when I’m wanking –
A: I’m sorry. Are you suggesting that you plan on committing onanism while viewing these films? That would be a sin, and I cannot condone the use of our products for ungodly behavior.
B: Dude, who are you kidding? Seriously? What else other than… conanism do you think people are gonna be doing with this stuff?
A: It is intended only for married, Christian couples who want to share the joy of their blessed love in a non-sinful way.
B: But what do you care what I do with it after I leave your store?
A: I was called by god to provide this service and help defend the institution of marriage from the satanic threat of orgies, sodomy, and the gay. All of this illicit sexual congress is ruining the precious gift of eternal divine union between one man and one woman.
B: Really? Like, how?
A: What do you mean? Look at the world we live in! It’s full of sin of all kinds, and pornography is destroying the sacred bond of marriage in a dangerous way.
B: I don’t get it. How?
A: Well, it’s… it’s everywhere. Fisting. Bestiality. Coprophilia. Have you heard of these things?
B: Yeah, I’ve been on the Internet. So you think that stuff is evil?
A: It is borne directly of hell, to tempt us into straying from the one true path.
B: So, can’t you just not do that then? I just don’t get –
A: Of course you don’t get it. You’re just another sinner unaware of his own sin. Are you even married?
B: No, why?
A: Then I’m afraid I cannot sell any of these films to you. In fact, I shouldn’t have even talked to you without first meeting your wife, but business has been slow ever since I closed down the private booths for previewing. People were doing… ungodly things.
B: You don’t say. Look, man – best of luck to you and all, but you have some crazy-ass ideas, and I really doubt you’re going to be around for very long around here.
A: Well, I was called to be in the world, but not of it.
B: Yeah. Don’t worry – you’re definitely not on this planet, guy. I’m going to go check out that new strip joint down the block, Mohammad’s Mammas, see what they got going on.
A: Good luck. Don’t get your hopes up, though – he’s a false prophet.
B: You’re a false prophet… of… bad porn. Whatever. Later.
A: Have a blessed day.