Follow these simple steps to have the best time ever at a summer music festival!
- April 18, 2018
- 290k Views
Actor/ Writer: Anthony Troli
Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
Assistant Editor: Alee Caldwell
Post Producer: Alex Parks
April 18, 2018
- Squeeze into some booty shorts and call in sick on Monday.
It's music festival season.
But before you overdose on fun, and drugs,
here are some tips to ensure you have a rockin' good time.
You're gonna wanna stay hydrated.
Drink Ayahuasca tea every morning.
But if that isn't your thing,
That never hurt anybody.
Just stay the hell away from water, okay?
There's like, no booze in that crap, yuck.
Looking for that perfect outfit to go on the 'Gram?
Well, look no further.
Stop looking and stay at home you egotistical bitch.
If you really wanna make a fashion statement, just go naked.
Nothin' says I'm here to party
like a swingin' dick in the wind.
Bonus points if you can find a sheep.
All the drugs.
But don't risk taking them through security.
Those godless bandits have no respect for you or your goals.
Instead, have a buddy outside with a military grade drone.
Strap your party powder to that whirly bird
and send it soarin' to a soldier inside.
The eagle has landed and you are trippin' dicks.
Festival bathrooms are the 10th layer of Hell.
Keep your ass clean, okay?
Dig a hole wherever you want and take a hot steamer.
It works for cats.
If you're camping, you're poor and you're gross,
and that's all there is to it.
Stick together with your friends no matter what,
unless you want to see another band
or one of them is pissing you off,
or you realize, "Wait a minute,"
"I don't even like these assholes"
"and there's like, a hundred thousand people here."
Fuck this, go meet some new losers.
Love is in the air.
Go ahead and make out with a stranger
who's still wearing his sunglasses
at one o'clock in the morning.
Or maybe get a dusty hand job in a tent.
You'll remember that special night forever,
but be safe.
Wipe your lunch meat with hand sanitizer when you're done.
You feel that?
That's the burning sensation of being responsible.
Finding your friends can be tough.
But meetup spots are for narcs.
So bring a flare gun or start a big-ass fire in the crowd.
Not only is it practical,
but you're also creating jobs for volunteer firefighters.
You'll still be able to hear the loud tunes,
but you won't be able to hear the drunk woman
next to you screaming,
"Has anybody seen Becky?"
"I don't even know where she is."
"We lost her at Calvin."
If you follow these tips
and somehow manage to not get arrested,
You had a fucking blast at a music festival.
And that's all there is to it.