Do you, like many other Americans, have a disease called Unsexiness? Well I've got the cure. Let me ... more >

Do you, like many other Americans, have a disease called Unsexiness? Well I've got the cure. Let me spell it out for you: J-C-V-D. The man called Jean-Claude Van Damme, who everyone forgot about in the late 90s. Everyone except me. For the last ten years, I’ve molded myself into a mirror image of Jean-Claude by mimicking the training montages from his classic canon of 80s movies, like Bloodsport and Kickboxer. I emulated everything about him— his handsomeness, physical prowess, chiseledness, charm, and, above all, his sexual appeal. While I was in training, Americans, with JCVD out of mind, turned their thoughts from being in shape, to eating shapes—like onion rings, ice cream cones, and cheese squares. Now, everyone’s one shape…round. The only thing that’s round on me is my ass, and it’s as hard as a rock. I transformed myself, thanks to Jean-Claude’s example; now, I’m ready to be an example for others, reflecting JCVD’s gilding light on a fast-food culture that loses its breath just talking about the newest, sloppiest burger at Hardee’s. Thinking about that just made me vomit. I feel better, though. If you begin to put JCVD in your life, instead of that potato chip your mouth, you’ll start to feel better too. And more importantly, you’ll look better. How do you begin? Check out my movie, MOJO by DOJO, and the group I founded, the Jean-Claude Van Damme DOJO. What should you do? Let me spell it out for you: J-O-I-N! < less