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First and most importantly, Erin went to a place called Nevada City and did drugs in... more »
Published August 05, 2014 33k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi
712 Funny Votes
273 Die Votes
32,795 Views
Published August 05, 2014

-- (ERIN):
THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER):
THROWING SHADE.
-- (BRYAN):
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
-- (ERIN):
AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,
-- (BRYAN):
TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES AND POLITICS,
-- (ERIN):
AND POP CULTURE,
-- (BRYAN):
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
-- HEY MAN. WHAT'S UP MAN?
-- OH, WOAH, COOL.
-- JUST CAME BACK FROM
NEVADA CITY MAN.
-- THAT IS
NOT... WHEN I HEAR THE CITY,
NEVADA CITY I DON'T THINK THIS...
-- OH YOU DON'T?
IT'S WHERE ALL THE BURNING
MAN PEOPLE LIVE.
-- IS IT IN NEVADA?
NO, IT'S IN CALIFORNIA.
-- WHY DO WE DO THAT?
-- YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?
THE TOWN
USED TO BE JUST CALLED
NEVADA AND THEY ADDED THE
WORD CITY BECAUSE
IT WAS CONFUSING.
-- OH SURE, I MEAN
THAT IS CONFUSING.
-- BUT THEN JUST
CHANGE THE NAME ALL
TOGETHER.
-- I GUESS.
-- CALL IT... (made up word) OR SOMETHING
-- AH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY SHOULD--
-- LIKE AN INUIT THING.
-- ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN
NAMING A CITY AFTER
ANOTHER CITY, OR A CITY AFTER
A STATE IS THE WORSE THING.
-- YEAH.
-- LIKE, OKLAHOMA CITY?
STUPID.
-- C'MON, BUT AT LEAST
IT'S IN OKLAHOMA.
-- YEAH.
-- KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI? GUYS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-- YEAH. THAT IS REALLY THE MOST--
-- PARIS, TEXAS?
-- NO, THAT I LIKE.
-- SHOOT YOURSELF.
-- THAT I LIKE BECAUSE THEY USED TO
CALL PARIS, TEXAS
THE PARIS OF TEXAS.
-- OH, THEY WOULD JUST
PUT AN EXTRA
WORD IN THERE?
-- YEAH.
-- TO MAKE IT LONGER?
-- IT WAS THE SLOGAN...
-- TO EXPLAIN THINGS.
-- THEY DID EIFFEL TOWER, THEY DO BERET, YEAH--
-- EVERYTHING'S SLOWER
IN THE SOUTH, ABSOLUTELY
-- CAN-CAN--
ONLY, YOU HAVE TO PARK
YOUR CARS AT THE BORDER
OF PARIS,
AND YOU HAVE TO CAN-CAN
ALL THE WAY IN--
-- ALL THE WAY IN?
-- YEAH. YOU WERE THERE
FOR WHAT?
-- A WEDDING.
-- OH.
-- YEAH, BUT I FUCKING
LOVED IT. THERE
WAS A DUDE WHO WAS A YOU,
IF YOU WERE A HIPPY.
-- MM-HMM.
-- HE RAN THIS PLACE CALLED--
-- I CAN'T EVEN
PICTURE IT.
-- THIS IS--
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHO HE WAS. HE RAN
THIS PLACE CALLED ELIXART WHICH
IS AN ART GALLERY, AND ELIXIRS.
-- THAT, FIRST OF ALL IT SOUNDS
LIKE FARTS. THAT DOES NOT
SOUND LIKE AN ARTIST, OR ANYTHING.
-- YOU WOULDN'T
THINK THAT IF YOU SMELLED
ANY OF THE STUFF IN THERE.
SO ANYWAY, HE HAD THIS
PALLET OF PEACHES THAT WAS
SITTING NEXT TO THE FARM.
WE WERE WAITING TO PLACE OUR
ORDER. SO OLE GRABS 3 PEACHES
AND HE'S LIKE WE'LL
GRAB THESE AND TAKE THEM TO
THE WEDDING IN CASE WE NEED
SNACKS. ALRIGHT, WE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THE FOOD SITUATION
WAS.
-- OH YOU WERE GOING TO EAT AT
THE WEDDING? VERY RUDE.
-- BRYAN, I'M NOT EVEN TELLING
YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS
WEDDING, I WAS LIKE WE SHOULD
PREPARE FOR PEOPLE--
-- WE ABSOLUTELY NEEDED--
-- 'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, HEY MAN.
-- YEAH-YEAH...
-- IT ENDED UP BEING FANTASTIC,
BUT I WAS WORRIED.
WE WERE LIKE, OK, SO WE'VE GOT
THESE TWO ELIXIRS AND THEN
WE'RE GOING TO DO THESE 3 PEACHES, AND HE WAS LIKE,
"AH MAN, THOSE ARE LIKE MY PEACHES,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
MAN, YOU CAN HAVE SOME MAN."
AND THEN WE WERE LIKE, NO-NO,
WE'LL BUY THEM, AND HE WAS LIKE,
"OK, MAN I GUESS. SO LIKE
$2 DOLLARS A PEACH--
NO MAN, I CAN'T--
YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST
TAKE THEM MAN." AND I WAS LIKE,
THIS IS BRYAN. THIS IS BRYAN--
-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DO YOU KNOW THE VENOM
THAT IS SPEWING THROUGH
MY ENTIRE BODY RIGHT NOW.
-- WHY?
-- IF SOMEONE TALKED TO ME
LIKE THAT. IF SOMEONE WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T KNOW MAN...
THOSE ARE MY PEACHES MAN...",
I WOULD BE LIKE I'M SORRY
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR YOU
IN THE REAL WORLD.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD
TO RUN AWAY FROM
ALL YOUR PROBLEMS,
COME HERE, AND SOME HOW
EAT BETTER BUT LOOK
WORSE THAN EVERYONE
ELSE ON EARTH.
-- HE COULDN'T DECIDE
IF HE WANTED TO SELL
HIS PEACHES OR NOT.
-- THAT IS--
-- BUT HE HAD THE MOST
CALMING HIPPY VOICE IN LIKE--
-- AND THAT REMINDED YOU OF ME?
-- NO IT WAS THE FACT
THAT HE COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER
OR NOT TO SELL HIS PEACHES.
-- OH YEAH.
-- YEAH.
-- I WENT TO THE DRIVE-IN THIS
WEEKEND, WHICH WAS VERY FUN.
-- YOU DID? OH, ONE MORE
THING ABOUT THE WEDDING--
-- YES PLEASE.
-- I DID COCAINE IN A TEEPEE.
-- YOU DID NOT.
-- YEAH.
-- DID YOU REALLY?
-- MM-HMM.
-- YOU DID COCAINE?
-- MM-HMM.
-- YOU DID COCAINE?
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE LYING.
-- I'M NOT.
-- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
-- I WAS FORCED IN BY SHAME.
EVERYONE WAS DOING COCAINE,
I WAS LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE
SOON, WHY NOT DO COCAINE.
-- HOW IS THAT CLEAN LIVING?
-- MY HOLE-- NO THEY DON'T SEE THAT--
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
THEY'RE BURNERS THERE.
THEY DO BURNING MAN.
-- OOH.
-- THEY'RE ONE WITH NATURE,
BUT ALSO ONE WITH COCAINE.
-- I GUESS--
-- I DID TWO BUMPS OUT OF A
SPOON ESPECIALLY
MADE FOR COCAINE.
-- LIKE A LITTLE SPOON?
-- A TINY SPOON. LIKE IF THUMBELINA
MADE AN ICE CREAM
CONE THAT'S WHAT
SHE WOULD USE.
-- RIGHT.
-- A COCAINE SPOON.
-- YEAH. DOES THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER ABOUT DOING
COCAINE COMPARING IT TO
THUMBELINA-- A CHILDREN'S TALE?
-- YEAH.
-- YEAH.
-- I WAS SO PARANOID
BECAUSE I KEPT
SNIFFLING OUT OF
ONE NOSTRIL AND I WAS LIKE
EVERYONE KNOWS I'M ON COKE
RIGHT NOW. AND THEN I TALKED
TO THIS GIRL FOR SO LONG ABOUT
HOW SHE SHOULD BRING HER--
-- ABOUT HER BUSINESS PLAN?
OH, OK.
-- YEAH.
-- SHE WAS LIKE, I LIVE
WITH MY BOYFRIEND
BUT I DON'T
THINK I LIKE HIM, AND
I WAS LIKE HERE'S
WHAT YOU DO--
-- LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.
-- FULLY LOCKED INTO HER EYES
NO BLINKING, OK--
YEAH, I BELIEVE IT.
-- I FELT LIKE AT FIRST SHE
WAS INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAD
TO SAY AS A DIVORCEE ON COCAINE,
BUT THEN AFTER A WHILE--
-- THAT SHOULD BE THE
TITLE OF THE BOOK: "WHAT I HAVE TO
SAY AS A DIVORCEE ON COCAINE".
-- I WOULD WRITE THAT
BOOK IN 5 MINUTES.
-- YEAH, I KNOW.
-- DO A THOUSAND PAGES.
-- YEP.
-- SHE LEFT, AND THEN
I GO OLE, WHO IS THIS
DELIGHTFUL GIRL
WHO I'M TRING TO BREAK
HER RELATIONSHIP UP,
AND HE GOES,
WE USED TO DATE. AND I WAS LIKE,
WAIT, WHAT? FIRST OF ALL
I'M REALLY FUCKING
OUT OF MY MIND RIGHT NOW.
-- YEAH.
-- NOW YOU TELL ME THAT
THIS GIRL THAT WE SAT AT DINNER
WITH THAT YOU USED TO
FUCK HER, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
YOU GOTTA TELL ME THIS STUFF.
-- COCAINE USUALLY
MAKES FIGHTS BETTER THOUGH, SO IT'S GOOD THING YOU WERE
ON COKE DURING THIS WHOLE THING.
-- YEAH. EVERYTHING
FELT LIKE I WAS
BEING ELECTROCUTED.
-- GREAT.
-- I DO THINK THAT'S WHAT
PRISONERS MUST GO
THROUGH WHEN
THEY'RE ELECTROCUTED IS
WHAT I FELT WHEN I WAS
ON COCAINE.
-- YEAH. THAT'S PROBABLY
A FAIR-- YEAH.
DO YOU MEAN THAT THE
ELECTRIC CHAIR IS LIKE COCAINE?
-- MM-HMM.
-- YEAH.
-- YEAH, IT MUST BE.
-- WELL THAT'S A VERY
ADVENTUROUS WEEKEND FOR YOU.
-- YEAH, BUT I DON'T
WANT TO DO COCAINE AGAIN.
-- YEAH, I'M SURPRISED YOU
EVEN DID-- IT ALMOST SEEMS--
-- YOU GOTTA TRY IT.
-- I GUESS, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS LIKE THEN YOU
GET TO A CERTAIN POINT WHERE
YOU ARE LIKE, EH, MAYBE
I DON'T NEED TO TRY IT.
-- THE WAY IT WAS SOLD, IT WAS
VERY SAFE, THEY WERE LIKE,
LOOK, YOU DO THIS, YOU'RE
JUST AWAKE, AND THEN
IT'S DONE.
-- I GUESS IF YOU ONLY DO 1 OR 2 BUMPS,
LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO ENDORSE
COCAINE RIGHT NOW, AND
THAT'S WHERE I WAS HEADED.
-- HERE'S THE THING, WHEN
I WAS TALKING TO THIS GIRL--
-- UH-HUH.
-- I WAS LIKE, WE'VE BEEN
TALKING FOR 5 HOURS, BUT
WHEN IT WAS DONE,
I WAS LIKE, THAT LASTED
MINUTES.
-- YEAH.
-- I WAS FULL TIME MACHINE,
CAN THIS BITCH
GO 88 MILES AN HOUR,
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.
WE DON'T
NEED CARS WHERE WE'RE GOING
BITCH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
-- RIGHT. TOTALLY, YEAH.
-- SO YOU WENT TO THE DRIVE-IN.
-- WHO FUCKING CARES.
-- RING-RING, RING-RING.
-- HELLO.
-- OH, THAT WAS VERY--
HI, UM, YOUR PHONE IS GAY.
-- OH NO. WHAT DO I DO?
DO I DRAG IT BEHIND MY CAR?
WHAT DO I DO, PUT IT IN PRISON?
-- ALL OF THE ABOVE.
-- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU
CALLED THE BIGGEST HOMOPHOBE
WOMAN IN THE UNITED STATES.
-- AND I WAS CALLING YOU--
-- MY NAME IS CLAIRE ANTI-GAY.
-- OH, PERFECT.
-- YEAH.
-- I WAS CALLING YOU ON A HOMO-PHONE.
THAT IS NOT FUNNY?
-- (big inhale) DO MY EARS HAVE AIDS?
-- YEAH, OK, ALRIGHT.
-- YEAH.
-- WE ALL LEARNED IT IN GRADE
SCHOOL HOMOPHONE--
-- YES.
-- WHEN TWO WORDS WITH DIFFERENT
MEANINGS, BUT
SOUND ALIKE, RIGHT. SO--
-- LIKE XYLOPHONE AND DIOLATOL.
-- NO. DEAD WRONG. LIKE BARE AND BEAR.
-- OK, SO LIKE
THERE, AND THEIR?
-- B-A-R-E AND B-E-A-R, THERE, AND THEIR.
WELL A SOCIAL MEDIA SPECIALIST
FOR A UTAH--
-- NO.
-- LISTEN, I KNOW. WELL JUST THE
GUY WHO POSTS ON FACEBOOK.
FOR A COMPANY IN UTAH THAT'S
A LANGUAGE SCHOOL.
THIS LANGUAGE SCHOOL SPECIFICALLY
TEACHES ENGLISH,
IT'S LIKE ESL, THEY TEACH
ENGLISH TO NON-NATIVE--
-- OH, OK, SPEAKERS.
-- SPEAKERS. EXACTLY.
AND UM...
-- BUT NOT SPEAKERS, PEOPLE WHO CAN'T
SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.
NOT LIKE SPEAKER CITY SPEAKERS.
-- EXACTLY. RIGHT.
-- YEAH.
THEY DON'T SIT IN FRONT
OF LIKE A SUB WOOFER...
--NO.
-- YEAH.
-- SO THIS GUY WHO DID THE
FACEBOOK POSTS AND BLOG POSTS
FOR THIS SCHOOL IN UTAH WAS
FIRED RECENTLY WHEN HE POSTED
THE WORD HOMOPHONE ON
THEIR WEBSITE, BECAUSE THE GUY
WHO FIRED HIM SAID THAT HE
DIDN'T WANT THE SCHOOL ASSOCIATED
WITH HOMOSEXUALITY.
EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS--
-- WHAT AN IDIOT.
AT A LANGUAGE SCHOOL?
-- YES. YES.
-- HE RUNS A LANGUAGE SCHOOL?
-- ALL THEY HAVE
TO DO IS KNOW ABOUT LANGUAGE.
FIRST OF ALL THE
GUY'S NAME WHO POSTED
THIS STUFF--
-- THE SOCIAL MEDIA
CONSULTANTS.
-- THE SPECIALIST ISN'T
REALLY DOING
HIMSELF ANY FAVORS BECAUSE
HIS NAME IS TIM TORKILDSON.
WHICH, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
-- I LOVE TORKILDSON.
-- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY A LEWIS
CARROLL CHARACTER.
AND THE GUY WHO FIRED HIM,
HIS MAN'S NAME IS CLARK
WOODGER. WOODGER, TALKED TO
TORKILDSON, AND EMAILED HIM
AND SAID, "I HAD TO LOOK UP
THE WORD BECAUSE I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT. WE DON'T TEACH
THIS KIND OF STUFF TO OUR STUDENTS,
AND IT'S EXTREMELY
INAPPROPRIATE. CAN YOU HAVE
YOUR DESK CLEANED OUT
BY 11 THIS MORNING?
I'LL HAVE YOUR CHECK READY."
-- EMAILED HIM--
A FIRED EMAIL--
-- AFTER HE
HAD ALREADY LOOKED IT UP.
AFTER HE HAD ALREADY LOOKED UP
WHAT A HOMOPHONE WAS THIS GUY
WHO RUNS A LANGUAGE
SCHOOL, AND WAS LIKE WE'RE NOT
TEACHING ANY GAY STUFF.
IT REALLY SEEMS TO INSANE FOR
WORDS, THAT SOMEONE
WOULD LOOK--
WHAT COULD THIS GUY EVEN
THOUGHT, IF HE READ IT AS
HOMOPHONE, WHAT COULD HE
HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS?
-- HE JUST SAW THE WORD
HOMO AND JUST--
-- FLIPPED OUT.
-- FLIPPED HIS SHIT.
-- YEAH. SO THIS COMPANY IS IN
PROVO, UTAH WHICH IS NOW
ONE OF THE MOST CONSERVATIVE
PARTS OF UTAH. PROVO IS WHERE
UTAH'INS LIVE WHEN THEY THING
SALT LAKE TO CITY IS
TO LIBERAL. WHEN YOU THINK OF
UTAH AND HOW CONSERVATIVE
IT IS, REALLY YOU'RE THINKING
OF PROVO, NOT EVEN
SALT LAKE CITY.
-- REALLY?
-- YEAH.
SO HERE IS THE POST THAT THIS GUY
ACTUALLY REALLY WROTE:
"IN ENGLISH A HOMOPHONE IS A
WORD THAT HAS SEVERAL
DIFFERENT MEANINGS AND SPELLINGS,
BUT ALWAYS SOUNDS THE SAME.
AIL IS TO BE SICK. ALE IS AN
ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE..."
WHICH HE SHOULD'VE BEEN,
IN MY OPINION FIRED FOR
PROMOTING THAT.
-- YEAH. ESPECIALLY IN UTAH.
-- EXACTLY.
-- SO IS THIS GUY GOING TO
GET HIS JOB BACK?
-- NO, HE'S TOTALLY FIRED.
HE'S TRYING TO FIND ANOTHER
JOB--
-- MAYBE BUZZFEED WILL
HIRE HIM.
-- THEY SAY THE OTHER REASON,
HE ALSO MIGHT'VE
BEEN FIRED, APPARENTLY HE POSTED
SOME REALLY SAD STORY
ON HIS BLOG POST ABOUT HOW
HE HAD A HORRIBLE DIARRHEA
AND HAD TO PULL OVER INTO A
GAS STATION DIARRHEA INTO A
URINAL.
-- WELL THAT'S JUST INFORMATIVE.
-- BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE WAS COMMENTING ABOUT
HOW SAD THAT WAS.
-- IT WAS FACTUAL RIGHT?
-- WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?
-- WELL, BECAUSE THE
TOILET WAS OCUPADO.
-- YEAH.
-- DON'T YOU THINK?
-- IT'S A REAL CHICKEN OR EGG.
-- YEAH.
-- WHAT WAS HE FIRED
FOR FIRST?
WRITING THE WORD HOMOPHONE,
OR DIARRHEA IN A URINAL.
-- REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR
NOT THIS GUY POSTED A DIARRHEA
THING ON HIS TUMBLR, THAT'S NOT A
REASON TO FIRE SOMEBODY.
-- NO. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE STORY IS
APPARENTLY VERY SAD.
-- WHAT IS SAD ABOUT IT?
-- I DON'T KNOW, JUST A
COUPLE OF COMMENTS WERE LIKE,
DID YOU READ THAT REALLY
SAD DIARRHEA STORY ON HIS TUMBLR,
AND THEN I COULDN'T
FIND IT, BUT APPARENTLY
IT'S REALLY SAD.
BUT HE
POSTED IT ON HIS PERSONAL
WEBSITE, AND NOT THE SOCIAL
MEDIA--
-- AND ON THE SOCIAL
MEDIA THING--
-- YOU KNOW, HE GETS
THE INTERNET.
-- YEAH.
ANYWAY, THE WHOLE
THING WAS TOO MUCH.
-- BOOP-BOOP-BOOP-BOOP...
SOUND THE ALARM.
NIKI MINAJ.
-- OH YEAH, OH YEAH.
HER BUTT'S ON THE LOOSE.
-- I'VE SEEN IT.
-- AND EVERYBODY IS FREAKING OUT.
-- SHE DOES FIX THE FLAT RIGHT?
I MEAN SHE STRAIGHT UP PUTS
CEMENT INTO HER BUTT RIGHT?
I MEAN LIKE SHE DOES INJECTIONS,
BECAUSE THAT CAN'T BE REAL.
-- I DON'T KNOW. KIM KARDASHIAN'S
BUTT IS REAL, AND SO IS
-- NO IT'S NOT. SHE USES
INJECTIONS I THINK.
-- IT'S NOT?
WELL HERE'S THE THING,
REGARDLESS HER BUTT IS BEAUTIFUL--
-- YES.
-- AND IF I HAD A BUTT LIKE
THAT I WOULD
WEAR OVERALLS, BUT THE BUTT
WOULD BE A CLEAR WINDOW
AND I WOULD JUST WALK
AROUND TOWN--
-- TOTALLY.
SHE'S PUT A PICTURE ON HER
INSTAGRAM FOR HER COVER
FOR HER NEW SINGLE ANACONDA.
-- YES.
-- JUST TO DESCRIBE IT FOR YOU,
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT,
IT'S HER BACKWARDS, IT'S HER BACK--
-- MM-HMM.
-- SQUATTING DOWN, PINK THONG,
PINK SPORTS BRA, JORDANS.
-- SHE LOOKS AMAZING.
-- SHE DOES.
-- ALL THE DUDES ARE LIKE FUCK
YEAH, AND GIRLS ARE
LIKE, YEAH FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH.
AND EVERYONE IS LIKE YEAH, FUCK YEAH.
IT EVEN STARTED SOME MEME'S.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW ANY
OF THESE.
-- NO.
THERE'S ONE OF THEM WAS
MARGE SIMPSON DOING
THE SAME POSE.
-- THAT'S FUNNY. I GUESS.
-- UM, ANOTHER ONE WAS THE
GOOGLE LOGO BUT INSTEAD OF THE O'S
IT WAS HER BUTT. YEAH. GREAT.
-- GREAT.
-- OK, BUT, NOT EVERYONE WAS
EXCITED ABOUT THESE BUTT GAMES.
-- NO.
-- NO.
-- SHELLY DUVALL FOR ONE.
WHO ELSE? FAYE DUNAWAY--
WELL THEY DON'T HAVE BUTTS.
-- OH, YEAH. ANY WHITE
GIRL REALLY.
-- YEAH.
CHUCK CREEKMUR WHO RUNS
ALLHIPHOP.COM WROTE A LETTER,
AN OPEN LETTER TO NIKI MINAJ --
I'M SO TIRED OF OPEN LETTERS.
-- OH, BUT THEY'RE SO FUN,
BECAUSE IT'S HOW YOU
WRITE A LETTER TO SOMEONE WHEN
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEM, BUT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT DIRECTLY.
-- EXACTLY.
-- YEAH.
-- IT'S LIKE STARTING SHIT--
IT'S BASICALLY SAYING, I WOULD
LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU
PRIVATELY BUT IN PUBLIC.
-- IT'S HOW MY MOM COMPLAINS
ABOUT MY STEP DAD NOT LOADING
THE DISHWASHER.
-- EXACTLY.
-- SHE'LL TELL ME IN FRONT OF HIM,
BUT NEVER TO HIM.
-- YEP.
-- SO THE LETTER AS YOU MIGHT
KNOW WAS A LITTLE BIT
CONDESCENDING.
-- MM-HMM.
-- AND A LITTLE BIT SEXIST,
AND A LITTLE BIT PATRONIZING,
AND YOU KNOW, ALL THE STUFF
THAT LADIES LOVE TO HEAR.
-- SO THIS IS FROM--
-- HE RUNS A SITE ALLHIPHOP.COM.
-- OK.
-- WHICH IS A HUGE HIP-HOP BLOG.
HIS MAIN POINT WAS THAT HE
WAS WORRIED OF WHAT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN TO HIS DAUGHTER
WHEN SHE SEE'S THAT PICTURE.
WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS NIKI
MINAJ SENDING.
-- I THINK
THE MESSAGE THAT SHE'S SENDING
IS I HAVE A THIS, YOU DON'T.
-- YEAH.
-- I THINK IS THE MESSAGE.
-- THE MESSAGE IS I GOT A
BOMB ASS BOOTY.
EVERYBODY DEAL WITH IT.
-- YEAH.
-- WHEN I PEEPED THE ARTWORK
FOR YOUR LATEST
SINGLE, I WASN'T EVEN SHOCKED,
I WAS JUST DISAPPOINTED."
WELL HIS BONER WASN'T
DISAPPOINTED, BUT HE WAS
PROBABLY DISAPPOINTED.
-- I WAS JUST-- OK, GOT IT.
-- YEAH. "THE SONG: "ANACONDA."
THE ART: YOUR
BOOTY IN A THONG. AS A MAN,
I CAN APPRECIATE THE VIRTUES
OF YOUR PERFECT POSTERIOR.
THE DAD GUY IS NOT A HAPPY
CAMPER, PARTICULARLY NOW
THAT HIS LIL' GIRL IS
TRANSITIONING INTO A YOUNG
LADY. IS THIS THE PATH YOU
WANT TO LEAD IMPRESSIONABLE
KIDS DOWN? HOW WILL BOYS
ALREADY CONDITIONED TO
SEXUALIZED GIRLS AT A YOUNG
AGE INTERNALIZE THIS BIG
BOOTY OF YOURS."
WELL IT'S NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY.
-- OF COURSE.
-- YOU KNOW WHO'S
RESPONSIBILITY IT IS, MAYBE
HER DAD?
-- YEAH.
-- TO EXPLAIN TO HER--
-- FOR SURE, HER DAD.
-- OR PROTECT HER FROM THIS
IF HE'S WORRIED ABOUT IT
OR EXPLAIN TO HER LIKE,
THIS IS WHY SHE'S DOING THIS--
-- WHAT WOULD QUESTION--
I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE A LOT OF TIMES
DON'T GIVE KIDS ENOUGH CREDIT,
BECAUSE WHAT WOULD
THE QUESTIONS EVEN BE?
WHAT IS THAT?
-- ABOUT WHAT?
-- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
SO THAT WOULDN'T BE A QUESTION.
LIKE FROM THE LITTLE GIRL.
WHAT IS THE CONCERN EXACTLY?
THAT SHE'S GOING TO DRESS
LIKE THAT?
-- THE IDEA IS
THAT NIKI MINAJ HAS TAKEN HER IMAGE
AS A SEXUAL BEING
IN THE HIP-HOP WORLD, AND
INSTEAD OF BEING A GIRL WHO
SOMEBODY RUNS A CREDIT CARD
DOWN HER BUTT CRACK WHILE
THEY RAP NEXT TO HER,
SHE'S LIKE NAW BITCH,
I'M GOING
TO BE SEXY ON MY SINGLE.
-- THIS IS MY BUTT.
-- NOW HERE'S WHAT SHE DID,
NIKI MINAJ DID WHICH WAS RAD.
SHE'S BEEN PRETTY OUTSPOKEN
ABOUT THE DOUBLE STANDARDS
IN HIP-HOP, AND WITH THIS
PARTICULAR ISSUE, SHE TOOK
THE REINS BACK. SHE POSTED ON
HER INSTAGRAM 3 DIFFERENT
PICTURES OF WHITE GIRLS IN
BIKINI'S WITH THEIR BUTTS
TO CAMERA, AND THEY ALL SAID
ACCEPTABLE, AND THE 3RD ONE
WAS-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
SAW THAT S.I. COVER THIS
YEAR, THAT WAS LIKE 3 GIRLS
IN THE WATER TOPLESS.
-- YEAH.
-- THAT WAS THE LAST ONE.
SHE SAID, ACCEPTABLE.
AND THEN SHE PUT HER COVER
UP AGAIN, AND SAID UNACCEPTABLE.
-- MM-HMM.
YEAH, SURE.
-- YEAH. LIKE, OH, NO ONE HAS A
PROBLEM WITH THESE 3 TOPLESS
GIRLS. NIKI MINAJ HAS ON
A SPORTS BRA.
-- SHE'S GOING
TO SPIN CLASS.
-- MAYBE IF THE SONG WASN'T
ANACONDA,
WHAT IF SHE WAS SINGING LIKE,
YOU KNOW SOMETHING PRETTY,
LIKE SENDING THE CLOWNS,
OR DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE--
-- OH YEAH.
-- IF SHE WAS DOING LIKE
A NICE BALLAD,
YOU KNOW, OR THE GREATEST
LOVE OF ALL.
-- ROCK LOBSTER--
-- YEAH.
-- SOMETHING THAT WAS LIKE
WAY OUT THERE.
-- IF SHE WAS SINGING ROCK LOBSTER,
THAT DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT
KIND OF IMAGE, PEOPLE MIGHT
LIKE IT, AND BE LIKE THIS IS A
BEAUTIFUL CLASSY SONG,
WE CAN GET OVER THE IMAGE.
-- I CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT NIKI MINAJ SINGING
ROCK LOBSTER.
-- ROCK LOBSTER--
BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY MAKES A
LITTLE BIT OF SENSE, BECAUSE
SHE DOES ALL OF THOSE VOICES.
-- YEAH.
ROCK LOBSTER!
-- SHE DOES IT LIKE, (inaudible).
OH, A CHICKEN TALKING?
-- YEAH (laughs)
YOU KNOW SHE'S LIKE, (inaudible).
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YEAH.
-- WELL, WHAT SHE'S SAYING IN THESE
INSTAGRAM PHOTOS IS
WHY IS IT OK FOR THESE WHITE GIRLS
WITH NO BUTT AT ALL,
TO BE ON ALL THESE COVERS AND
NO ONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT
AND THEN I COME ALONG, AND
I DO THIS THING, AND NOW
IT'S A BIG DEAL.
-- MM-HMM.
-- I THINK THIS ALL COMES DOWN
TO, JUST TO GET BACK TO
THIS GUY'S LETTER, HE'S FREAKING
OUT AS A PARENT,
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH HIS DAUGHTER, AND
HE'S BEING NOW CONFRONTED WITH
HOW THE HIP-HOP WORLD
TREATS WOMEN. HOW WOMEN ARE
PORTRAYING THEMSELVES,
ALL THIS STUFF AND HE'S FREAKING
OUT FOR HIS DAUGHTER.
WHO IS NOW COMING INTO THE MOST
AWKWARD TIME OF HER LIFE,
AND INSTEAD OF SITTING HER DOWN,
AND HAVING A CONVERSATION
WITH HER, HE HAS CHOSEN TO
SPEND TIME BLAMING NIKI MINAJ,
FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN'T EVEN
REALLY A PROBLEM IN HIS LIFE YET.
-- NO, AND WON'T BE EITHER IF
YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT.
-- IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT
THIS SEXUAL MESSAGE THAT NIKI
MINAJ IS PUTTING OUT THERE, LOOK,
WHEN I HAVE CHILDREN--
-- I KNOW, WE KNOW--
-- WE'RE NOT WATCHING
COMMERCIALS.
-- NO. NO RULES.
-- NO, WE'RE GOING TO WATCH THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WE'RE GOING TO WATCH THEM,
AND I'M GOING TO SAY, WHAT
ARE THEY SELLING YOU,
HOW ARE THEY TRYING
TO GET YOU?
-- RIGHT.
-- HOW ARE WE GOING TO
WRITE TO THESE
COMPANIES-- I DON'T CARE IF THEY
CAN'T WRITE YET, MY KIDS,
I WILL HAVE THEM SIRI, I WILL HAVE THEM
TELL SIRI WHAT NEEDS TO BE TYPED
OUT, AND WE'RE GOING TO SEND IT RIGHT--
WHOEVER, GENERAL MILLS, FORD--
-- YEAH.
-- THE TV CORPORATIONS.
-- MM-HMM.
-- THE PHONE MONOPOLIES.
ALL OF THEM.
-- THEN THEY'LL RUN
INTO MY HOUSE, I'LL LOCK THE
DOOR, AND I'LL SAY
SHE CAN'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.
AND WE'LL WATCH ALL THE COMMERCIALS,
AND I'LL GO BUY AWAY
KIDS, BUY AWAY.
-- THAT'S WHEN
I SMASH THROUGH WITH A
FIRE HYDRANT AND I LIGHT THE
WHOLE THING UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
-- WITH A FIRE HYDRANT?
-- YEAH.
-- THAT'S TO PUT OUT A FIRE.
-- OH.
I'VE BEEN--
-- I KNOW, YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG.

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