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Yall I been thru a ringer when comes to livin sitchee-ashuns. Good thang they aint... more »
Published April 17, 2011 93 views More Info »
Hey!
This here's Loretta Jenkins
and this is How I Seize It.
I know most of my drankin' buddies
can tell I ain't in my regular tool shed today.
That's cause...

...I been gettin' death threats
from Lindsay Lohan's momma.
I know she in cahoots and conjunctions
with them American Idol executives.
Goddamn haters.
So my drankin' buddy, Shooter,
him and his old broad put me up
in their spare room
until the heat wears off,
and that remind me of somethin'.
Now, one of the reason I ain't never gettin' hitched
is cause I just can't live with somebody-
I mean, without wantin' to poison them
or cut their brake lines fo
after about six months.
This one chick I lived with,
she moved in her deadbeat man with us,
and I was like,
"Get him the fuck out of here!"
Ain't nobody that's a single gal
wanna be in the next room
hearin' you squealin' to Jesus!
Bitch interrupt my Letterman on a regular basis!
So, I just moved someone else in my room
and I shacked up with a fuckbud until-
Well, I don't-
I don't really know what happened.
I think he shot one of them or somethin'.
All I know is it got me out of the lease, thank God.
I ain't livin' in no murder house.
I could probably live with a
hermit or a recluse, cause they's loners.
And I ain't got to pretend like I like
they family or they dorky co-workers
or they cross-eyed toddlers.
(sigh)
I used to like unicorns.

Oh!
And then there was this other gal I lived with
and I was fuckin' this sev-
-eighteen year old
that we all three worked up
at the bar together,
and she started givin' up her FUPA to him.
Behind everybody's back,
right out there in the open!
Sumbitch, I swear!
I got so damn mad...
Well, that's how I got my prison record.
I think she did eventually gain back
most of the movement on the right side of her body,
but that might have been a rumor.
But if it ain't,
I believe I deserve some kind of
restitution from the state-
-like some foodstamps, or somethin'-
It ain't like I killed her.
And there was this other heifer I lived with...
...Betty...Elizabeth...
...somethin' I didn't care to learn
cause she's a dumbass.
Ain't that kinda stoop?
How you got a first name
that's a nickname of your middle name?
She ignorant for more than her name,
cause she come up to my door
after I done unpacked and said
I couldn't smoke inside.
Well, let's just say,
I got the bigger bedroom,
and she got a bald spot.
I guess all this bad roommate history
started back with my first boyfriend,
when he fuck this bitch
when I was passed out on the couch...
This piece of shit was like,
"I'm movin' her in and
you gotta bounce!"
Well, this bitch got the last laugh,
cause while I was movin' my shit out,
and they was in there
fuck-moanin' from the bedroom...
Well, I just got me a gallon of bleach
and I dashed it on the couch,
and slung it on the carpet,
poured it up in they plants,
and drizzled it all in they aquarium,
and I'm sorry all you animal-friendlies out there
that them goldfish had to pay the price
for my meanstreak,
but you would have too
would it have been you!
I'm sure them goldfishes understood.
And I kicked a hole in they TV,
and I stole all they laundry.
You don't mess with me!
(laughs)
(coughs)
So anyways...
...just stay single and independent
and moderately tipsy,
cause it's the only way to live.
That's How I Seize It.
(burp)
Peace, mother fuckers!
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