Add to Playlist

Yall knows Im not reel fonda food but thet don meen I cayunt judge uthers far whut... more »
Published February 10, 2011 150 views More Info »
This here is Loretta Jenkins
and it is colder than this bitch's titty
here in Apple Springs, Arkansas.
I'm tellin' y'all what.
But I ain't lettin' my drankin' buddies down,
and so this is your weekly How I Seize It.
(dog whining)
Now y'all know how-
Shut the fuck up Buffy,
or I'm gonna go put you in the trailer.
Y'all know how when you go into a ba
and you come back out
and there's all them flowers on your car?
Flyers. Flyers...
Yeah, flyers.
Well, I went up to the Sak-N-Sudz the other evenin'
to get me my nightly 12-pack,
cause in case y'all hadn't noticed,
I likes to drink.
But that's all I do,
unless it's somethin' on accident,
or somebody slips me somethin',
or it's a special occasion.
Anyhows, I walked out the ba
and I caught one of them mother fuckers-
One of them ghostly white folks with them deadbolts-
Uh, deadlocks?
Shit, whatever the fuck you call them.
Dumbasses looks like they rolled they hai
in a damn litter box.
Y'all, that hairstyle ain't but for one color,
and that dude was the wrong pigmentation.
And anyways, before I nailed him in the shin
with my Chinese star and he runned off
like all boo-hoo bleedin' and shit,
he stuck this thing here under my window wiper.
It's for one of them Vegan restaurants.
Well where the fuck is Vega?
It sounds like one of them Soviet publics or somethin'.
Shit, maps is stoop!
I think I'm just gonna call them.
Maybe they owner name is Vega.
(Phone rings.)
MAN: Hello?
LORETTA: Hey, lemme talk at Vega?
MAN: Who?
LORETTA: Vega you deaf mother fucker!
(He hangs up.)
(Phone rings.)
MAN: Hello?
LORETTA: Listen you little-
(He hangs up.)
You sumbitch vega!
Y'all watch this!
Get my knife...
Okay, I got that straight out.
Vegums is folks who don't eat nothin'
that comes from aminals,
but as it turns out,
they kindly week and they bleeds a lot.
You can spot them cause they damn near translucent,
veins all stickin' out and shit,
walkin' around like 'Uhhhhh,'
like a damn zombie or somethin'.
Some of thems, hell...
I can't tell if they veganarians
or if they done got leukemia.
So basically, they just eat veggie tales
and peanut butter and shit out the yard.
Hell, that ain't eatin', that's grazin'!
And some of them is raisin' they babies like that.
Poor little old youngins.
Lookin' like premies.

What was I talkin' about, let's see...
Oooh, y'all!
I got this one friend,
and she ain't eat meat in somethin' like ten years,
but she really do like pigs for pets.
Well, one time I baked her a cake
and it was shaped up like a pig
and when it baked it had a big old gash
down the middle of it,
so I got me a butcher knife
and I jabbed it down in that gash,
and then I got me some red food coloring
and just sprinkled it around on there.
It looked like blood!
It looked like I had slaughtered her damn pig pet!
And then so, when I took it over there to her...
She puked!
I was like 'Goddamn, gal. It ain't no meat cake!
What you yackin' at?'
But, as it turns out, she had just
had to put one of her pig pets down.
You know, some people just a little oversensitive.
Of course, who am I to judge?
I ain't had nothin' solid to eat since '87
and that's How I Seize It.

From Around the Web