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Jonathan loves three things - Wondergang, Sia and Game of Thrones.
Published June 03, 2014 160k views Immortal More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring: ​Lucy Davis
Directed by Erin Gibson
Written by Erin Gibson and Jeffrey Self
Producer Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
DP - Cristina Dunlop
Editor - John Ford
Assistant Editor - Leann Bowen
Camera Operator - Aaron Ulrich

DID YOU WATCH GAME OF THRONES THIS WEEK?
ACTUALLY I DID YEAH. I ONLY WATCHED 2 EPISODES,
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1,
AND THEN LAST NIGHTS.
NOTHINGS CHANGED.
(THEME MUSIC)
SO FIRST THINGS FIRST YOU
GOT RAGGEDY MILEY CYRUS
AND SHE'S OUT TO BULLY POOR... (INAUDIBLE)
BUT THEY HEAR THIS OWL.
IT'S JUST AN OWL YOU DUMB BITCH.
NO IT'S NOT.
BITCH THAT AIN'T NO OWL.
THAT'S ALABASTER STEEL
AND CRAZY 88, AND THEY
ARE COMING FOR US.
SO BABY BARACK OBAMA AND
VALERIAN SOLANGE ARE IN THIS SPA.
AND THEN SOLANGE COMES
BACK TO CATCH CHRISTINA
UP ON THE FACT THAT
BABY BARACK OBAMA CRUISED THE
SHIT OUT OF HER. AND
CHRISTINA IS LIKE,
"HONEY... I THINK WE
HAVE A PROBLEM."
I JUST BELIEVE WE
CASTRATE THE BOYS,
WOULD THEY TAKE THE
PILLAR AND THE STONES.
I WOULD CALL IT A WE-WILLY
WINKLE. WHICH
I ACTUALLY FIND IS A
TURN ON FOR MOST MEN.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE TO WORK THROUGH
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT.
I MEAN HONESTLY, TO BE
COMPLETELY HONEST, I GET
COMPLETELY EN FUEGO FOR
A BRITISH ACCENT.
OH, DO YOU WANT TO
HEAR MY AMERICAN?
WHY DON'T YOU SAY IN
AMERICAN ACCENT, YOUR
DICK IS SO LARGE.
YOUR DICK IS SO LARGE.
(BRITISH ACCENT) YOUR
DICK IS SO LARGE.
YOUR DICK IS SO LARGE.
SPEAKING OF GENITAL
MUTILATION THEON'S BACK.
AND HE'S GOING FULL ON
HELTER SKELTER ON THOSE
POOR BITCHES.
SO THEN VINCENT CUMMINGS
IS EXPLAINING TO THE PANEL
THAT HIS WIFE ACTUALLY
COMMITTED SUICIDE, AND THEN
SONSA WHO THIS WEEK
I'M CALLING THIS WEEK
REFORMED LINDSEY LOHAN
IS GIVING US FULL LIZ
AND DICK REALNESS.
MY AUNT CURSED ME,
CALLED ME A WHORE,
PROMISED TO THROW ME
THROUGH THE MOON DOOR.
GIRL, SIR CARLISLE HAS
BEEN FULL FLEDGE
BENEDICT ARNOLDING
HER THIS WHOLE TIME.
I HAVE LOVED YOU.
LOVE. HOW CAN YOU
SAY THAT TO ME?
LISTEN UP RIGHT HERE,
SIR CARLISLE, DON'T
LET THE DOOR HIT YA'
WHERE THE GOOD LORD
SPLIT YOU. AND THEN BABY
KRISTEN STEWART AND
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER
ARRIVE AT NOT
PRE-SURGERY KATHY
GRIFFIN CASTLE ONLY
TO FIND OUT THAT SHE
DIED 3 DAYS AGO.
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING, THAT BABY
KRISTEN STEWART HAD THE
MOST AMAZINGLY PERFECT KUBLER ROSS
REACTION.
LADY ARRYN DIED.
(HISTARICALLY LAUGHS)
YEAH, SHE WENT STRAIGHT
TO ACCEPTANCE DIDN'T SHE.
SO THEN MUNCH MUNCH
THROWS HIS HAT IN THE
RING FOR BEST SUPPORTING
ACTRESS IN THIS EPISODE
WITH HIS STIRRING RENDITION
OF THE BEATLES MONOLOGUE.
IT WAS HORRIBLE. LIKE ALL
OF THESE BEETLES
SHOULD BE DYING FOR NO REASON.
SO THEN WE GOT MR. SOFIA
VERGARA AND SHE'S GIVING ME
LIKE FULL BLOWN LIKE MICHELLE
KWAN DOUBLE TOE
LOOP INTO A LAYBACK SPIN,
INTO A DOUBLE SOMERSAULT...
(SPORTS ANNOUNCER DESCRIBES)
AND SHE DOES IT BEAUTIFULLY!
YEAH, BUT I TELL YOU WHAT
THAT'S FOOLISH,
BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY HE
KEPT GIVING HIM WARNINGS
THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO COME,
AND HE WOULD DO THIS
WARNING GRUNT...
(MAKES A GROANING SOUND)
(MEN GROAN AND GROWL)
(BRITSH GIRL): THE ONLY TIME
THAT HE DIDN'T GIVE A WARNING
GRUNT I WILL SAY WHILE HE
WAS LYING ON THE
FLOOR HAVING BEEN STABBED
AND THEN HE MOVED.
ALTHOUGH IF I'M FORCED TO
CHOOSE I WOULD RATHER
WATCH SOMEONE GRUNTING,
THAN SOMEONE POPPING A
MAN'S HEAD OUT OF HIM.
(SCREAMS)
THAT'S NOT POLITE.
I'M SO MAD. I'M SO MAD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I WANT TO KNOW WHY.
I WANT TO KNOW WHY
MR. SOFIA VERGARA'S LIFE
IS OVER. I WANT TO KNOW.
I WANT TO KNOW HOW THAT
BABY IS EVER GOING TO
KNOW WHO HIS MOTHER WAS.
OH, I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND-
NO, NO, THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME FIRST.
(COUNTRY VOICE) YOU JUST
MISSED A CHANCE OF A LIFE TIME
(INAUDIBLE)
YOUR AMERICAN ACCENT
IS GETTING WAY BETTER.
THANK YOU MA'AM.
(CLUSTER OF SALON SOUNDS)
HONEY AFTER THAT EPISODE
THE ONLY THE ONLY THING
THAT COULD LIFT ME OUT
OF THAT DEPRESSION IS
THIS PINNED UNDER BOB.
YOU ARE SERVING ME HIGH BORN
VELOCITY GLAM RIGHT NOW, OK.
WHERE ARE...
MY DRAGONS...
HEY JONATHAN, DO YOU HAVE HER TICKET?
JONATHAN...
DO YOU HAVE HER TICKET?
I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR-
THIS IS WHY MY TIL IS ALWAYS
SCREWED UP AT THE END OF THE DAY.

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