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If any reel wiches out thar noze a spell that’ll turn water into beer, come see me an... more »
Published December 16, 2013 180 views More Info »
Oooooh!
Happy-
Happy Haller's Eve-
Happy Haller's Eve-
Happy Haller's Eve, everybody!
(coughs)
That ain't pumpkin!
That's fuckin' peach.
Why they have that in the orange?
That ought to be in a peach color,
not orange!
I'm writin' to them on my e-mail
and get a free can.
Goddamn.
It smells like Grandma's vagina in here.
We are ringin' in another Evil Dead Day
here on How I Seize It.
With Loretta Jenkins,
the Mistress of the Dark...beer.
(laughs)
Elvira,
she be a distant cousin of mine,
can you tell?
Sometimes I sober up
when I been snoozin' and it's like
FLASH OF LIGHT
and I get these flashes of memory
and I don't know-
I reckon they mine.
You don't never know
with all the radar waves
flyin' all over the place.
Fuckin' ghosts in the machine, man.
You don't even know.
And I remember last Halloween
somebody ratted me out to the popo
that I passed out laxatives
to all the neighborhood kids
and gived them all the shits.
Somebody done told me
this place smelled like diaper gravy
for about a week.
I don't know. I ain't smelled a damn thing
since the late 90s.
Know what I mean?
And if you don't,
we probably wouldn't be drinkin' buddies anyway.
So I decided since nobody
fess up on who fingered me,
I'm just gonna put a spell
on the whole damn trailer park.
Each and every one of these bitches.
I'm gonna get me one of my
faggy wicker buddies
to come over here and teach me
some of them dark magic spells
and I'm gonna give every one
of these bitches
a trailer full of bed bugs.
Hey, I got these sumbitches
from Bed Bug & Beyond.
(laughs)
No y'all really
I got them down Crack Alley
when I was pickin' up my diet pills.
You know,
where all the B-Level hookers works.
Do y'all know witches
comes from a real religion?
It's called Wiccum and Paganisms.
They the earthy types, nowadays.
Remind me of goddamn hippies.
And that is the oldest religion,
and the reason you don't hear about it
is cause all the Christians and Muslims
gots together and done the Crusades on 'em.
They annihilated-
They Hitlered all the Pagans
They tore down all the witch worship places
and they put they churches on top?
Now how about that for some
lovin' and livin' and givin'?
And then they killed all the ones
that wouldn't convert?
That remind you of anybody?
Like...Hitler?
Now they just go on missionary trips.
They only blood-thirsty around election time.
Pagans is the ones that's fo
free love and fuckin' is fun
and do whatever the hell you want to
and harm none do what you will and shit.
But, as per usual Hollywood
gotta get they fingers in it
and make them look all green and shit-
Uhh...
Oh, oh, OH!
What was I thinkin' about?
Damnit I lost my whole train of thought.
I was thinkin' about
James Franco's pecker again.
I wonder what it look like naked.
Y'all ever daydream about
James Franco pecker?
Man, you know that thing's purty.
I would fist a donkey if he told me to.
That dude got a spell on me.
He turn my pussy magical.
Told y'all somebody told me
I got voodoo pussy one time.
You know, I think witches gets a bad rap
cause the only other folks
what wears pointy hats
is the dang KK and the dunces
I mean who would wanna
be grouped together with them peoples.
Shit, I had to stare in a corne
for 3/5 of my childhood
cause the teacher's always goin'
"You talk too much,"
"You talk out of turn,"
"You don't raise your hand."
Well now they dead
and I'm famous
so how's this for a nice hand-raisin' heifers?
Praise me!
(laughs)
(coughs)
Oh God, I'm lost.
Did somebody cast a memory spell on me?
Man, I wish they'd mix up that Matrix
with that Harry Potte
and then that witchcraft shit be real.
Ain't that how that would work?
Hey, y'all go get your Bucket List out
and let's put this thing on here.
Salem, Massachuss-
Fuck, how you spell that?
Does it have any vowels?
It must be like Injun.
How. Massachusetts!
Huh, huh, how.
You know, the place with the witch trials.
Now that is where you need to go
and spend Halloween.
Shoot, it's like WHOOO!
Fuckin Mardi Gras over there,
except for less naked people
on a count of everybody's
wearin' a costume
cause it is fuckin' cold up there.
I'm talkin'
PING PING!
Fuckin' chilly...
Oooh! Hey y'all,
I was onlines the other day readin'-
Yeah, I read!
And I found out that the yea
before the witch trials
all they rye bread had rotted
and bread rot makes ergot poisonin'.
And I ain't never had
none of that ergot,
but I have been known
to trip balls back in the day, man!
So I just assumed these little
witchcraft accusers was just fucked up!
They was high on the rye!
They McCarthy-ed the poor and the blacks
on a count folks was ignurnt back then.
(burps)
I think I just solved
a major piece of world history, y'all.
Ain't nobody gonna care...
Hold up!
Lemme kick back a little concoction
I call Witches' Brew!
It's ale made from rotted rye,
absynthe and Persecco.
I can do a hypothesis for the court
and prove my theory
about them trippin' bitches witches...

(SCREAMS)
No! No!
She's a witch!
No! NOOOO!!!
She's a witch...she's a witch!
She's a witch, she's a witch...

Damn.
What the hell was that?
Did y'all see them lights?

(Strange howls.)

Oh man...
I can't remember that spell I wrote
to get these bed bugs
to go over to them other trailers.
I wanted them to wreak havoc
and give them all the super-flu.
Some of these leases, y'all,
I just can't seem to get out of.
Well I hoped I learned y'all somethin' tonight.
Which would be a miracle,
cause most of y'all out there
is dumb as a box of wet hair.
Witches, they ain't like the ones on
Charmed and Bewitched and Harry Potter.
Like when a Pagan does a spell,
that's just like ritualistic praye
It's just another religion
just like all the others
and that's How I Seize It.

Damn, I'm itchy.
What'd I have in there?
I had somethin' in there.
I can't-
(scratching)
Goddamnit!
Aww man!
God!
My pussy's on fire!!!
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