Confessions of the Blight: The Squatter

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JON
My name is Jon Dough, that’s D-O-U-G-H. I used to live, you know, in the Palisades. I had a nice house, big house. Then when things started to get rough, I sold my house and I rented a house. You know, rougher, I went into a townhouse…apartment…guy’s attic.

A lot of people call me a squatter. You know who else they called squatters? The Pilgrims.

I actually picked Brad & Julie, I did my research. I went around the whole neighborhood and theirs was the only door that was unlocked.

Yeah, they’re great, Brad, Julie, Timmy. They’re a great family to live with you know, we all get along so well. Of course, they don’t know I’m here, but that doesn’t stop us from having a good relationship.

You can tell they love each other, you know. Sometimes you can watch them love each other, through the vent.

You know a lot of times I’ll find something in the house to eat, but the trick is you gotta find something that they aren’t going to notice is gone.

I usually shave about once a week.

HOMEOWNER
Hon, you been using my razor again? Jeez.

JON
I’m the King of this castle from ten to four. Once Julie gets back from work, then I become the King of the attic again.

During the day when the family is out, you know, I’ll go out and watch TV, surf the net.

(on Bluetooth) You tell me what you’re wearing, yeah, I bet you are.

(on game mic) Hey listen, I will come to your house and live there. Yeah listen, I can get a bus ticket to Madison, Wisconsin okay? Don’t think you’re safe.

Sometimes I play tricks on them. I mean I’ll go and like move a painting or something. I’ll make it slightly askew.

HOMEOWNER
Every day! Kids!

JON
Yeah Timmy’s six years old. He actually says he wants to be an artist when he grows up, but I saw his work, and it’s not very good. His parents put it on the fridge, but I can tell they didn’t really mean it.

HOMEOWNER
Timmy, who’s the fourth family member in your drawing? Is that God? That’s deep. Mommy have anybody coming by the house recently?

JON
Sometimes I’ll kind of mess with Brad – I’ll move his wallet you know. Then I’ll like use his credit card to buy stuff. It’s our thing.

(on Bluetooth) 4-7-1-5-2-6-0-4 and that’s good til 10/11. And, 1-2-8. Ok, yep. Just throw it on the roof.

I guess my pet peeves – they’re loud in the morning; their wine collection (ttthhhwwwppp); Do you know what you need to buy at Trader Joe’s? Nothing.; Brad’s a chronic masterbater; uh, I don’t like the TV shows they watch, you know. But I mean you can’t have it all, two and a half men, can be funny.

But things are picking up, I can tell, I can just feel it. The economy is coming back, I got my resume posted on some sites.

Things are just gonna change for me, I can feel it. Gonna turn over a new leaf, who knows what’s gonna happen…I’m even thinking about moving into a BIGGER attic. Thanks for everything, man.

CREDITS ROLL

HOMEOWNER
Honey?

JON
I (bleep)-ed your kid’s Buzz Lightyear doll.

HOMEOWNER
Who the (bleep) are you? Hey! I’m calling the cops.