If you've ever wanted to see a wig with teeth, you've come to the right place. In... more »

Full Credits

Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Producer: Ross Buran
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

Transcript


> (ERIN):
THIS IS...
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER):
THROWING SHADE.

> (BRYAN):
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

> (ERIN):
AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

> (BRYAN):
TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES AND POLITICS,

> (ERIN):
AND POP CULTURE,

> (BRYAN):
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

> GOOD MORNING.

> GOO... (she makes a yawning sound)

> THAT WAS MY FAVORITE
PART OF THE WIZARD OF OZ.

> THE TALKING?

> (he sings)
Wake up you sleepy heads...
AND THOSE LITTLE GIRLS

> (she sings)
Bom-Bom, the wicked witch is dead

> Y-YEAH, THAT'S MY
FAVORITE. RIGHT.

> SPEAKING OF SLEEPING DID
I TELL YOU THAT I INJURED MY WRIST?
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW--

> YOU "RINJURED" YOUR WRIST?

> I "RINJURED" MY WRIST.

> WHAT HAPPENED?

> FOR TWO MONTHS, MY WRIST
HAD BEEN REALLY SORE.

> YEAH.

> LIKE, FROM THIS--

> YEAH.

> --AND NOT JUST
BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO BE GAY
(at the same time he repeats)

> YEAH, I REALIZED LAST WEEK
WE WENT TO A HOTEL, AND
I WASN'T SLEEPING VERY WELL,
AND I WOKE UP--

> SO YOU SLEPT LIKE THIS?

> YES, BASICALLY.
I WAS SLEEPING ON THE PILLOW
LIKE THIS, AND I CAN'T
EVEN DO IT WITH THIS HAND
BECAUSE IT HURTS SO BAD.
BUT I WAS SLEEPING LIKE THIS...

> OOH...

> ALL NIGHT.

> LIKE A PRECIOUS MOMENT.

> YEAH, LIKE A
PRECIOUS ARISTOCRAT.

> YEAH.

> AND THAT MUST MEAN THAT
I'VE GOT ROYALTY SOMEWHERE
IN MY BLOOD.

> YOU MUST.

> BUT I ALSO CAN'T DO PUSH UPS.

> RIGHT, YEAH.

> BECAUSE, UH, IT'S SO HARD
TO EXERCISE WITH THESE
FANCY WRISTS.

> VERY DIFFICULT. DOES
ANYONE STILL
CALL IT A WRISTWATCH?

> WRISTWATCH SALESMAN.
THE SAME PEOPLE WHO CALL
THEM POCKETBOOKS?

> SWATCH FOR SURE SAYS IT. YEAH.

> GREAT. YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO BELIEVE IT, I GOT
ANOTHER FLAT TIRE THIS MORNING.

> WHAT DO YOU RIDE ON--
WHAT DO YOU GO ON, THE NAILS STREET?

> YEAH, SO I DO WHAT I DO, AND
THIS MORNING I WENT AND
DID IT, AND I WAS ON MY WAY--

> TO WORK?

> --YEAH. I WAS GOING TO ACCESS HOLLYWOOD, AND I
WAS ON MY WAY THERE...

> WALKING.

> NO, DRIVING.

> OH, OK. YOU WERE ON YOUR
ELLIPTICAL MACHINE WHEN YOU
DRIVE TO WORK?

> NO, SORRY. I DID MY DRIVE.
I GOT ABOUT TWO BLOCKS, AND
MY INDICATOR LIGHT CAME ON
AND I LOOKED OUTSIDE AND
IT WAS JUST SMASHED FLAT WITH
A HUGE CUT IN IT.

> OH, IT WAS SLASHED.

> YEAH THAT'S
HOW I FEEL...
OH, YOU SLASHED MY TIRES?

> NO.

> BUT YOU JUST SMILED
AT THAT CAMERA.

> I DIDN'T DO IT.

> LISTEN, IF YOU DID IT,
DO NOT... YOU DID IT.
THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY--

> WAS IT DEEP AND LONG?

> NOT REALLY, IT
WAS ACTUALLY--

> THAT'S
MY SIGNATURE SLASH.

> OH IT IS?

> MM-HMM.

> AND DO YOU WRITE
SEX NEXT TO IT?

> (laughs) YEAH.

> YEAH, OR YOU
KNOW DICKS, YOU
WRITE THAT NEXT TO IT.

> LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL IN THAT
VIDEO.

> (he gasps and then sings)
I want your...
(she sings)
Sex

> SO, WAIT WHAT?

> REMEMBER WHEN HE
WAS STRAIGHT--

> YEAH, WELL, NO.

> -- AND HE HAD A FLAT
TIRE LIKE A PANCAKE AND HE
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,
YOU GOT OUT OF YOUR CAR AND
YOU WERE LIKE... (she screams)

> I PULLED OVER--
YEAH EXACTLY.

> (she screams) SOMEBODY
HELP ME! I'M BEING ROBBED.

> I PULLED OVER, I RAN ACROSS
THE STREET TO EITHER
SIDE FOR LIKE A HALF AN
HOUR JUST TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT IN MY MIND WHAT TO DO.

> JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.
I NEVER CAN MAKE UP MY--

> SO, I PULLED OVER, CALLED
AN UBER, CANCELLED IT--
MY BOYFRIEND ENDED UP
TAKING ME TO WORK.
I CALLED HIM AND HE WAS LIKE,
"HEY BABE, WHAT'S GOING ON?"
AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT'S GOING
ON IS I HAVE A FLAT
TIRE. JUST DID A 10. IN A FULL
PANIC BECAUSE I WAS RUNNING LATE.

> I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER
WAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

> (he laughs) I KNOW.
AND THEN HE PICKED ME UP,
AND I WAS LIKE I'M SO
SORRY... HEH, CAN YOU
STEP ON IT?

> DO YOU GIVE HIM DRUGS
SO HE CAN HANDLE YOU?

> YES. I DO.

> OH, OK.

> I DO MARIA FULL OF
GRACE, AND I UM--
WE DO A GAME WHERE I
MAKE HIM A DRUG MULE--

> OOH...

> AND SO HE PROBABLY
HAS ABOUT 10 OUNCES OF HEROIN
IN HIM, BUT I HAVE ABOUT
$10,000 DOLLARS COMING TO ME.

> OH, TOTALLY WORTH IT
TO DO THAT TO ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING.

> YEAH.

> SO ANYWAY, I HAD TO
TAKE MY CAR IN TO GET TIRES--

> THE PLACE THAT JUST
LOOKS LIKE ONE TIRE--

> YEAH.

> --AND YOU DRIVE IN--

> YEAH, TURNS OUT IT'S A DOUGHNUT
SHOP. SO I HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

> OH, YEAH.

> LONG STORY
SHORT, I ENDED UP
WALKING OUT OF THERE $525
DOLLARS LATER, I HAD A NEW FUCKING TIRE--

> WHY? BECAUSE YOU BENT YOUR RIM.

> EVERYTHING'S FUCKED.
THE GOOD NEWS IS I HAVE A CAR,
I HAVE A DREAM, AND I HAVE A
WAY TO SCOOT ME AROUND
TOWN TO BUSINESS MEETINGS, OPPORTUNITIES--

> OH, I'M JUST GLAD THAT YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO YOUR
ELLIPTICAL AROUND TOWN, BECAUSE,
A) THAT'S NOT STREET LEGAL.

> NO IT'S NOT.

> BUT YOU DO GET
TO DO YOUR PULSE.

> DO YOU KNOW THAT I JUST
FOUND OUT THAT WHEN YOU GO
ON THE ELLIPTICAL YOU JUST DO
THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GO ANYWHERE.

> OH, YOU DID?

> IT'S STATIONARY.

> YOU THOUGHT
THAT YOU JUST
ROLLED AROUND THE GYM?

> I THOUGHT THE WHOLE
TIME I HAD BLACKED OUT AND
I ENDED UP WHERE I STARTED.

> OOH...

> CAN YOU IMAGINE?

> THAT IS ACTUALLY A GREAT
WAY TO EXERCISE.

> YEAH.

> I'LL DO AN HOUR PLEASE.

> YEAH.

> BEEP... BOP...

> OH, I WOULD LOVE THAT.

> UM, I MOVED OUT OF MY
APARTMENT. MY APARTMENT IS TOTALLY
GONE NOW. SHE'S GONE.

> YOU DID? WHERE
ARE YOU LIVING?

> I DON'T KNOW YET.

> OH.

> I'VE FOUND A COUPLE OF
THINGS THAT I FORGOTTEN ABOUT,
AND THIS IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT ONE. MY OLD
EXTENSIONS.

> UGH...

> WELL SHE NEEDS TO BE BRUSHED.

> THE WORSE OF IT IS, IS THE
FEED ME SEYMOUR BUSINESS
THAT'S HAPPENING ON TOP.

> OH THIS? BRYAN, BY THE WAY
THIS IS WHAT VAGINA'S LOOK LIKE--

> THAT'S THE
SCARIEST FUCKING THING.

> --IF YOU'RE GAY, AND
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN--

> I'VE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

> IF YOU'RE GAY
AND YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A VAGINA,
THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

> THIS IS WHAT WOMEN IN
THE 70S LOOKED LIKE.

> YEP.

> STRAIGHT UP, BECAUSE THEY
WOULD CLIP IT ON.

> WHAT IS THAT A NEW CHER ALBUM?

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> YEAH, EXACTLY.

> HERE'S WHAT'S EASY ABOUT IT,
JUST WHATEVER YOUR HAIR
STYLE IS...

> SO EASY.

> YOU JUST POP IT ON.

> YEAH.

> LOOK AT THAT,
LION MANE.

> (he laughs) I'M LIKE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

> DO I LOOK LIKE A KARDASHIAN?

> ACTUALLY, YEAH. I
ACTUALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT IF I SAW YOU AT LIKE THE
GROCERY STORE WITH THAT HAIR,
I WOULD MAYBE NOT LOOK
TWICE. A NEIGHBOR THE OTHER
DAY WHO I BARELY KNOW,
I WAS HOLDING HANDS WITH MY
BOYFRIEND, AND HE WAS
LIKE "OH, HEY GUYS."
AND JUST STARED AT US,
AND I WAS LIKE,
AND DEREK WAS LIKE, "OH,
HE SEEMS NICE." THE FIRST
THING THAT POPPED IN MY HEAD
IS HE WAS GAY BASHING.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?

> IS IT BECAUSE I DO GAY BASH YOU
GUYS WHEN I SEE YOU?

> IT'S BECAUSE WHENEVER WE
WALK DOWN THE STREET TOGETHER,
AND YOU'RE THERE--

> YEAH.

> YOU HONK YOUR HORN,
YOU SCREAM THE F-WORD--

> YEAH.

> YOU TRY TO RUN US OVER.

> YEAH.

> AND YOU WERE WEARING THAT
WITH SUN GLASSES AND YOU'RE THINKING
WE WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

> YEAH.

> QUIT GAY BASHING ME.
QUIT SLASHING MY TIRES.
STAY OUT OF MY LIFE. WHEN
YOU PUT THAT THING ON
YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE A DICK.

> I'M A BETTER PERSON,
AND I'M BEAUTIFUL.

> OK, YOU'RE A MUCH
WORSE PERSON.
AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

> AS A, HELLO, UM...

> A PHONE ANSWERER?

> (laughs)) NO, NO. I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT A WAY
TO TALK ABOUT THE BIGGEST
LOSER, AND FOR SOME REASON
I WENT TO THAT VOICE, AND
THAT ATTITUDE.

> OH, OK.

> THE BIGGEST LOSER--
I REALLY USED TO BE IN TO
THIS SHOW. I ONLY WATCHED
ONE SEASON OF IT, BUT I WAS--
THIS WAS LIKE SEASON 2 OR 3,
AND I WAS JUST SORT
OF LIKE, WOW, THIS IS
WATCHING SOMEONE'S LIFE
CHANGE. SOMEONE WHO WAS
HOPELESS, THOUGHT IT WAS
GOING TO NEVER WORK OUT
FOR THEM, AND THEN SEEING THEM
COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED,
AND GAIN CONFIDENCE.

> DO A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE
KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF?

> NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

> IT'S LIKE EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER--

> YES.

> --THEY LEAVE AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE
WAIT, THE PLUMBING DOESN'T WORK.

> THIS IS BEFORE THERE
WERE CRACKS IN THE WALLS OF THAT SHOW--

> YEAH.

> --WHEN IT SEEMED LIKE A
TOTAL SUCCESS. SO JILLIAN
MICHAELS WHO YOU PROBABLY
KNOW HER IF YOU DON'T WATCH
THE BIGGEST LOSER.

> Erin: I KNOW HER YEAH.
SHE HAS AN EXERCISE PROGRAM
AT CRUNCH NOW--

> WITH THE SHRED?

> SHRED YEAH.

> SHE LOVES THE SHRED.
SHE'S A LESBIAN.

> UH-UH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

> OH, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE IT, OK.

> NO, ALL THOSE DRESSES
SHE WEARS?

> YEAH.

> SO SHE RECENTLY DID
AN INTERVIEW WITH HEALTH
MAGAZINE ABOUT LIKE WHATEVER--

> THAT'S JUST ABOUT AS
WORTH WILD AS SHAPE.

> EXACTLY.

> WEE... I'M IN SHAPE.
I'M SUPER THIN AND A MODEL.

> YEAH.

> LOOK AT MY MUSCLE.

> EXACTLY. SHE WAS ON HEALTH
MAGAZINE, AND THEY
ASKED HER ABOUT HER SEXUALITY,
AND SHE SAYS
I DON'T KNOW THAT I'M
COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT
BEING GAY RIGHT NOW TO BE
HONEST WITH YOU. THE
GAY THING HAS ALWAYS BEEN
HARD FOR ME. WHEN HEIDI AND
I ARE OUT AND SOMEONE OLDER
ASKS, 'ARE YOU SISTERS?' I
SAY, 'NO, WE'RE FRIENDS.'
THAT I UNDERSTAND, LIKE--

> YOU DO?

> --THE FACT THAT--
YEAH, BECAUSE LIKE, I TOLD YOU
THE OTHER DAY THAT EVEN
THE THOUGHT--

> I WASN'T LISTENING.

> --OH, YOU WEREN'T? WELL, I WAS
SAYING THAT I REALLY WANT
TO GO ON A VACATION--

> OH YEAH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE.

> --BUT YOU REALLY DO. FOR ME,
YOU REALLY DO SOMETIMES
HAVE TO WEIGH WHERE WILL I FEEL S
AFE. NOT ONLY IS WHERE
IS A COMFORTABLE PLACE TO GO,
BUT WHERE WILL I NOT BE, IF I GO WITH
MY BOYFRIEND ESPECIALLY, WHERE
WILL IT BE OK, AND NOT WEIRD.

> YEAH.

> OR HAVING TO FUCKING--
WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO AN
OLDER COUPLE WHO THIS PERSON
IS TO ME.

> YEAH.

> WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THAT?

> WELL IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
OLD PEOPLE.

> GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH.
I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL
GAY PEOPLE WHEN I SAY THAT
ALL GAY PEOPLE BELIEVE
IN DEATH PANELS.

> OH, YEAH. BUT
WHAT ABOUT OLD
GAY PEOPLE?

> HUH?

> OLD GAY PEOPLE.

> OH YEAH, WELL THEY'RE PIONEERS.

> OK.

> SO--

> SO THAT'S WHERE THEY GET
THEIR OWN CABINS? YEAH.

> SHE THEN WENT ON TO SAY

> LOOK, I WISH I HAD SOME
STRAPPING FOOTBALL PLAYER
HUSBAND. IT WOULD BE SUCH
A DREAM TO BE 'NORMAL' LIKE
THAT, BUT I'M JUST NOT.

> OH, BUT SHE SAID NORMAL.

> EH... YEAH, SO, I GUESS
PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY
GOT UPSET ABOUT THIS, AND
SORT OF SAID LIKE, THERE
ARE VERY--

> ABOUT THE NORMAL THING?

> --YEAH. LESBIANS IN THE
PUBLIC EYE, AND THERE ARE
VERY FEW PEOPLE WHO--

> THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

> YEAH. AND SORT OF LIKE,
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU
WISHED THAT YOU WEREN'T UM...

> SHE JUST MEANT
BECAUSE HER LIFE WOULD BE EASIER.

> SO ON THAT NOTE
JILLIAN MICHAELS DID SAY,
I'M DEEPLY DISHEARTEN AND
SORRY TO HEAR THAT MEMBERS
OF THE GAY COMMUNITY,
I HATE THAT PHRASE.

> MEMBERS OF THE GAY COMMUNITY?

> JUST GAY COMMUNITY.
YOU TALK ABOUT A VERY DIVERSE
COMMUNITY.

> YEAH.

> I MEAN IT'S LITERALLY
EVERY ECONOMIC BRACKET--

> IT'S EVERY BODY, EXCEPT
FOR ME AND YOU.

> EXACTLY.

> YEAH.

> GAY IS NOT A CHOICE.
IF I WERE ASHAMED OF WHO I AM
I WOULD BE IN THE CLOSET.
SO ANYWAY, I THINK SHE SHOULD
GET A PASS ON THIS. PEOPLE ARE
REALLY COMING DOWN ON HER HARD--

> ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE APOLOGIZED.

> SHE DID
APOLOGIZE AND LIKE, I DON'T
KNOW I THINK THE FIRST
PART OF IT, I REALLY DO GET.
IT'S A SCARY WORLD.
IT'S STILL NOT--
EVEN THOUGH IT'S
DEFINITELY CHANGING,
IT'S NOT CHANGED. I WILL
LEAVE YOU WITH A QUOTE,
SHE SAID THAT WAS DISGUSTING,
NICE BUT GROSS.
"FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
ORGANIC FOOD. I ONLY EAT
HEALTHY FOOD, AND I ONLY
WANT HEALTHY LOVE."

> THAT'S SWEET.

> IT'S SWEET, BUT LIKE, COME ON,
DON'T COMPARE ME TO--

> SO SHE'S MARRIED TO A KASHI BOX.

> YEAH EXACTLY.

> YEAH.

> BREAST CANCER AWARENESS
MONTH IS HERE, SHE'S BOOBIES...

> YEAH.

> EVERYONE'S
LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

> YEAH.

> SAVE THE TA-TAS.

> RIBBON, RIBBON, RIBBON,
YOU KNOW IT'S SO
SELFISH THESE DAYS THAT
PEOPLE USE A RIBBON FOR
EVERY CAUSE BECAUSE IN LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
THEY WOULD GET A RIBBON
FOR CHRISTMAS.

> YEAH I KNOW.
WE'RE SO WASTEFUL WITH
RIBBONS.

> YEAH.
BREAST CANCER AWARENESS
IS SO COOL, OK.
(he laughs)

> IT'S VERY COOL.
IT'S SO COOL.

> GOLDIE HAWN, AND
HER DAUGHTER--

> KATE HUDSON.

> --KATE HUDSON, DYED THEIR
TIPS OF THEIR HAIR PINK FOR
BREAST CANCER AWARENESS.

> OH COOL.

> YEAH SO COOL.
IT'S NOT JUST
CELEBRITIES SHOUTING FROM
THE ROOF TOP. IT'S NOT
JUST PINK STAPLERS AND
RIBBON UMBRELLAS--

> RIGHT.

> --THAT WERE MADE BY TINY
SMALL
HANDS IN CHINA.

> YEAH.

> LUXURY GOODS ARE
GETTING IN ON THE
BREAST CANCER AWARES.

> OOH, YVES SAINT LAURENT?

> YOU WISH. OK, I FOUND
A BUNCH OF LUXURY GOODS, BUT
I JUST WANT TO READ THE
DESCRIPTIONS FROM ALL
THESE LIKE PEOPLE GOING
LIKE, "BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH. AND
YOU'RE CLASSY..."

> YEAH.

> WE'VE GOT THE PRODUCTS
FOR YOU. OK.

> EXACTLY.

> GLOSS FOR A CAUSE FROM
BOBBI BROWN.

> Bryan: Ooh...

> Erin: FOUR ULTRA PRETTY
PINKS THAT WILL MAKE
LIPS SHIMMER. WHEN YOU
PURCHASE THIS GORGEOUS
LIMITED EDITION SET,
BOBBI BROWN WILL
DONATE $12 DOLLARS
OF EVERY SALE TO THE BREAST
CANCER RESEARCH FOUNDATION.

> DO THEY ALREADY DONATE
THIS STUFF ANYWAY?

> OH, I DON'T KNOW--

> LIKE DO THEY REALLY
ACTUALLY HAVE TO MEET A QUOTA?

> WELL WHAT THEY'LL
USUALLY DO IS THEY'LL
BE LIKE, IT'S $12 DOLLARS,
AND WE'LL DONATE UP TO
$25,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS.

> OH, I SEE.

> IT WOULD BE BETTER
TO ME IF THEY
JUST WOULD SAY, "WE DONATED $25,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS,
HERE'S OUR BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS LIP GLOSS--

> YEAH.

> I DON'T LIKE
PHILANTHROPIC CONSUMERISM.

> I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE--

> IT FEELS GROSS.

> --SO MUCH CLASSIER TO BE LIKE
FINE, BRAG ABOUT IT SURE,
LIKE TAKE OUT AN AD OR WHATEVER
BEING LIKE BOBBI BROWN--

> PROUDLY...

> --IS PROUD TO DONATE
$25,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS
TO BREAST CANCER RESEARCH.
THE END. BYE.

> THAT TO ME IS LIKE,
OH, MAYBE I'LL SUPPORT THAT
BRAND--

> AGREED.
--FOR DOING GOOD THINGS
AND NOT MAKING ME,
YOU KNOW--
THERE NOT DOING IT IN
SOME WEASELLY WAY.

> YEAH, WELL THERE ARE
ALWAYS WEASELING OUT.
THE CAPE COD SHOE SUPPLY,
BREAST CANCER FLIP-FLOP
(Bryan laughs)

> Erin: SUPPORTS THIS ORGANIZATION,
PLAY FOR PINK--

> OH.

> --AND THE BREAST CANCER
RESEARCH FOUNDATION WITH 10% PERCENT
DONATION TO SALES OF THIS
PRODUCT. LAURA SLATKIN
FOUNDER AND CEO OF NEST
FRAGRANCES CREATED
THE PASSION CANDLE TO HONOR
THE MEMORY OF THE EXTRAORDINARY
ACHIEVEMENTS OF EVELIN H. LAUDER,
FOUNDER OF THE
BREAST CANCER RESEARCH
FOUNDATION.
PASSION COMBINES THE
ESSENCES OF BLOOMING PEONY
AND DEWY GARDEN ROSES
WITH WARM SANDALWOOD AND A HINT
OF A FLOWERING--
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS FLOWER
BEFORE IN MY LIFE, PITTOSPORUM.
HEARD OF THAT?

> NO, BUT I'VE DONE THAT
WITH SOMEBODY.

> OH REALLY, WHAT IS IT?

> IT'S WHEN YOU CUM IN
THEIR PITS.

> OH, YEAH. THAT'S NOT
WHAT EVELYN LAUDER'S
BELOVED FRAGRANCE NOTE WAS.
I CAN GUARANTEE IT.
A PORTION OF PROCEEDS WILL
BENEFIT BREAST CANCER RESEARCH.
HOW MUCH AND WHO?

> YEAH.

> THOSE ARE MY QUESTIONS.

> WELL A 100% PERCENT
OF BENEFITING CANCER RESEARCH
COULD JUST GO TO YOUR DONATIONS
STRAIGHT TO THE CANCER
RESEARCH INSTITUTE, RIGHT?

> YEAH, BUT THAT'S WHY
NO ONE DOES IT.

> OH.

> BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE,
WE'LL GIVE SOME OF
WHAT YOU JUST BOUGHT TO
THE CANCER RESEARCH.

> RIGHT.

> STELLA AND DOT INSPIRE
BRACELET. AND THEN THEY
GO ON TO TELL YOU THIS
IMPORTANT FACT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL
TO WEAR ALONE OR STACKED
WITH SOME OF YOUR OTHER BANGLES.
CAUSE' I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO WEAR BRACELETS.

> (Bryan laughs) YEAH.

> I FUCKIN' FORGOT.

> DO A GROCERY STORE.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.

> FOR BRACELETS.

> WELL NO, WHEN YOU--
YEAH. GO TO ALBERTSONS OR VONS.
BUY YOUR JEWELRY THERE.

> I DON'T SEE WHY--
I CAN'T THINK OF ONE
GOOD REASON NOT TO BUY
JEWELRY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
I CAN'T THINK OF ONE.
(he cracks up)

> THE FACT THAT THERE IS NONE THAT'S
NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

> JUST PUT TWO THINGS ON
CANTALOUPE BALLS-- JUST...
(he laughs)
JUST STICK THEM STRAIGHT
IN MY EARS.

> I'LL DO IT
BANANAS AS A CHOKER.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

> PLEASE ONLY BUY YOUR
JEWELRY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
SO IF YOU'RE NOT BUYING
YOUR JEWELRY AT THE
GROCERY STORE WHICH IS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR
LIFE, WHEN YOU CHECK OUT,
THAT MONEY I THINK GOES
DIRECTLY TO CANCER--

> YEAH.

> IT SAYS IF YOU DO DEBIT,
IT'LL SAY LIKE, DO YOU WANT
TO DONATE $10-20-30 DOLLARS
TO BREAST CANCER RESEARCH.

> IT DOES YOU'RE DONATING--

> AND THAT GOES STRAIGHT THERE.
THAT'S AN EASY WAY TO DO IT.

> YOU CAN ALSO DONATE A LOT
OF STUFF ON YOUR PHONE.

> YEAH.

> YOU COULD ADD IT
TO YOUR PHONE BILL
WHICH IS ANOTHER GREAT WAY TO DO IT.

> NOT IF YOU HAVE A-

> FLIP PHONE.

> LAND-LINE.

> OH YEAH, IF YOU ONLY
HAVE A LAND-LINE
THEN YOU PROBABLY CAN'T DO IT.

> BUT YOU CAN DO IT
WITH A ROTARY.

> YEAH, OK.

> YEAH.

> THIS IS WHAT I HATE ABOUT THESE
AWARENESS CAMPAIGNS, OK.

> MM-HMM.

> AWARENESS IS
NOT ACTION.

> RIGHT.

> IT NEVER IS. A LOT
OF THESE PINK WASHING
THEY'LL DONATE TO COMPANIES--
I MEAN BREAST
CANCER RESEARCH FOUNDATION
IS GREAT. IT DEFINITELY GOES
TOWARDS FINDING A CURE.
I FOUND IT VERY, VERY DIFFICULT
TO FIND AN ORGANIZATION
THAT I COULD DONATE MONEY
TO THAT ACTUALLY HELPS
PEOPLE WHO ARE STRUGGLING
WITH BREAST CANCER RIGHT NOW.

> HMM...

> THERE ARE VERY FEW.
A LOT OF THESE ORGANIZATIONS,
ALL THEY DO IS PUT MONEY
INTO PREVENTION AND
MAMMOGRAMS.

> MM-HMM.

> BUT GREAT, WE GOT THAT LIKE--
THAT'S KIND OF
COVERED. I COULDN'T FIND ONE
ORGANIZATION THAT DOES IT
THAT WASN'T LIKE LOW RATED ON CHARITY--

> ITUNES?

> YEAH, ITUNES. CAUSE' YOU
KNOW HOW YOU CAN RATE
ALL THE CHARITIES.

> YEAH.

> THEY SHOULD DO THAT.
DOWNLOAD IT.YOU SHOULD RATE CHARITIES ON
ITUNES--

> AGREE.

> --BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
DOWNLOAD IT.

> THAT'S AWFUL. THAT'S REALLY--

> ISN'T IT?
AT LEAST WITH AIDS, DON'T YOU
FEEL THERE'S ARE MORE
ORGANIZATIONS THAT ACTUALLY
HELP PEOPLE WHO HAVE--

> WHO CAN'T AFFORD TREATMENT AND--
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH--

> WHO CAN'T AFFORD TREATMENT.

> --THERE ARE, IN THIS COUNTRY.

> I COULD NOT
FIND ONE THING. I COULDN'T
FIND ONE THING.
BREAST CANCER
RESEARCH FOUNDATION--

> YEAH, OK.

> THEY'RE THE NUMBER ONE
ORGANIZATION IF YOU LOOK
THEM UP ON CHARITY
WATCH YOU'LL SEE THAT
A LARGE PORTION OF WHAT
THEY TAKE IN GOES DIRECTLY OUT THERE.

> SOMETIMES I LIKE TO ROOT
FOR THE UNDERDOGS WHO I WOULD
SAY GO TO THE NUMBER 2 OR
THREE ORGANIZATION, BUT IN
THIS CASE I WOULD JUST
GO STRAIGHT TO THE--

> YEAH, SO THE NUMBER 2 ORGANIZATION
IS BOBBI BROWN LIP GLOSS.

Advertisement
Advertisement