Captain Bummer takes on the taboo subject of sexual predators ... can he pull it off?

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September 13, 2010


Hi, kids! Captain Bummer here. Ya know, when I was a kid, I wanted to know where babies came from. Gosh o-reilly, was I in for a big surprise! In some ways, it's like a game. A man has a penis that shoots baby seeds, and a woman has a vagina that leads to baby eggs. The man just puts his penis in the vagina and tries to hit the eggs with the seeds. But the penis and vagina are also where a man and woman go pee, so it's kind of like playing in the toilet [grimace]. And if you play this game with someone who has played it before with other people, you can get a lot of nasty diseases, a few of which can even kill you [pout]. And if you win the make-a-baby game, you end up with a teeny tiny crying person that is so gosh darn giggly wiggly hard and expensive to take care of, that you may have no time, energy, or money left for anything else, including friends, games, videos, and even sleep [pout]. That doesn't sound like a fun prize. But if nobody ever played the make-a-baby game, there wouldn't be any babies, and neither you, nor I, nor anybody else would even exist. Luckily for us, Nature solved this problem a very long time ago: women tend to have an overwhelming desire to have and love babies, and men tend to have an overpowering desire to shoot their baby seeds. Together, this combination leads to more than enough babies.

Now when a man gets Nature's urge to shoot his seeds, his penis fills up with blood and becomes a big, stiff boner. And if the boner is rubbed a certain way, it shoots the seeds, and goes back to being a regular penis. It's pretty simple, really. A little too simple. Why? Because a man can shoot his seeds in the rain, or he can shoot them on a train. He can shoot them on a boat, or he can shoot them in a goat. He can shoot them here or there. He can shoot them anywhere. And between all the men in all the world, men do shoot their seed everywhere: in vaginas, butts, mouths, hands, feet, boobies, belly buttons, armpits, and just about anything else you can imagine; and not just with women, but with men, animals, dolls, toys, and even (unfortunately) children. This urge is so strong, that some men will even make false promises or physically hurt someone to shoot their seeds on or in them. What the hell 'o kitty was Nature thinking? Sure it helps make babies, but those babies are stuck in a world where a bunch of men are running around shooting their seed wherever they want.

Some men, they get a boner everytime they think of you
Some men, they get a boner everytime you cross their mind
They get stiff, girl, oh sister, the blood rushes to their head
They get stiff, boy, oh brother, and they want to take you to bed
And everytime they get it up, you're down
Or everytime they get it up, you're not round round
And everytime they get it up they'll do anything to get it back down

And I mean anything, even really bad things. When these men get a boner, they turn into monsters. I told you there's no such thing as Santa Claus. And I told you there's no such thing as magic. But I'm telling you right now that there *is* such a thing as monsters, only these monsters look like ordinary men. They might be a teacher in your school, a priest in your church, or even that nice neighbor across the street, or maybe, and I really hope not, a monster lives in your own house. [Penis monster appears.]

Holy stromboli! I gotta get out of here! [Wacky chase ensues.]

Wait a minute. Why am I running? I'm not a helpless child; I'm Captain Bummer! Let's bum out this big bad boner.

Stop, Boner! Don't you know that "no" means no? It doesn't mean yes, or even maybe, it just means no. Even a three-year old knows that--you should be ashamed of yourself. And if you don't stop, you will be registered in a database, and tracked everywhere you go for the rest of your life, and everybody will know where you live and give you a very hard time and make your life absolutely miserable. So please, for everyone's sake including yours, learn to shoot your seed by yourself like any good, respectable member of society. Captain Bummer does it (to prevent prostrate cancer). All I need is some lotion, a copy of Psychology Today, and a nice secluded place. Another kid show host tried a public movie theater, but that didn't work out so well for him.

Well, that takes care of the big bad boner for now. But I wouldn't be surprised if he pops up again. Before we go, let's sing our goodbye song.

Now it's time for me and you to go
Chances are that one of us won't reshow
We'd be apart for good
Goodbyes can be forever
Goodbyes can be for good For good, for good, for good goodbye!

"As many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused at somepoint in their childhood."