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You ever listen at a youngin talk with they stoop lingo and think to yourself, man... more »
Published September 15, 2013 61 views More Info »
What up, home slices?
You jacked in to another life lesson
on How I Seize It,
or as all the hip cats be callin' it…
That's H...I-
S...E- I!
That was my best Vanna White!
I am too cool for school,
the incomparable Loretta Jenkins,
or as you can now call me…LoJenk.
You know, like J-Lo,
except I'm white and have
at least a smidgin' of talent and fashion!
Speakin' of…
I was layin' out the other day-
That's what us Southerners call gettin' a tan.
I had just put on another coat of Wesson Oil
cause I figure Mrs. Brady?
She a nice old broad.
She'll protect me from the sun cancers.
Hey, whatever happened to that 'Save The Beef' lady?
I would've thought that would've led
to a more lucrative acting career…
Aww man, she probably got on that meth
and that's bad news.
Save The Meth!
Hey, I always through I was young and hip
and with it and all, you know…
But hey, then comes that age…
It's somewhere up on the horizon for me.
Don't try to get my age.
You know, that's that age when youngins
start comin' up with new words
and then you start hatin' everything
that ain't from your two growin' up decades.
I was at the Sak-N-Sudz the other night
and I was in there with some street kids
they was talkin' about YOLO.
I was like…I don't like chocolate milk.
Hey before I found out what I meant
I had to ask one of them what it was
and one of them rolled they eyes at me
and I come up behind he
and I kicked her in the kid-shitter.
So they said it mean 'You Only Live Once.'
I'm thinkin' hey you don't know that for a fact,
what about reincarnation?
I'm personally carrying karma from the last life still!
Why you think this life so hard?
You know them youngins today,
they gotta make up stupid shit
cause all the cool shit already been took.
I mean that's probably why they watch Twilight
and cut thyself.
But I mean seriously,
how you gonna work YOLO into a conversation?
Like if I had a nickel for every time I said
You Only Live Once,
I'd have thirty-five goddamn cents!
Webster's Dictionary only need to hire people over 30,
I swear to God!
No wonder half the country literates
and gets they definitions off of Wikipedia!
Here's some words I ban
from my page and comments cause I hates them.
These are stooptarded words
that I declare null and void.
I mean don't even use them
around my general listening vicinity, you hear?
That's when two drag queens fuck
and I just think that's nasty.
Don't nobody wanna think about that!
And what happens when the last Y
gets covered up, huh?
What happen then?
It'll say KyK!
You think your Jewish friends
gonna let that slip by?
I mean oy with the poodles already!
Now, for some reason
all my gay pals have been hollering out
Kiki…Let's have a kiki…
for some reason
It must mean a blowjob as far as I can see.
You know who I'm gonna kick
in the throat next?
Somebody who tries to make AMAZEBALLS work in a sentence.
What's so amazin' about balls?
I mean, I could literally do without them.
That's the damn truth.
They don't do nothin' 'cept make youngins
and what good is them?
And what's this new word I heard
the other day at the store saying…
Oh yeah, what's PAELLA?
Somebody let me in on that ok?
It sound like some kinda greetin'.
You know,
like ALOHA!
I was wonderin' somethin',
y'all tell me if you know this.
How come on Smurfs
they use that word smurf
in every dang word they got in they whole language?
Shit! That must be harder to learn than Dutch.
Or English.
I bet it's all about inflection in your voice.
(in character voices)
You wanna smurf in my smurf?
You don't have any smurf
goin' on down there, do ya?
Oh man, don't make me wear a smurf!
I can't feel my smurf!
just don't smurf your smurf in me!
Lord God, that must be like Klingon,
only a few folks is fluent enough
to understand what they talkin' about.
Now I do have a couple of favorite words.
My whole life just one clusserfuck after another!
Oooh y'all!
I made up a new word.
Go forth and spread THIS locabulary.
My new word is DRAMABOMB.
Now that is when one of your friends
calls you up with an emergency
and then when you finally call them back,
they don't answer,
they ignore your calls,
and you're just supposed to gather from what's on
they Facebook and Tweeterin' pages
that they okay!
Why you gotta give me all that unneeded stress?
Panic attacks!
Hey my gal Snuffleuppagus texted me the other day
tellin' me that she think her baby daddy
was a goddamn faggot!
Now they Facebook-engaged
or some shit like that.
Now that is a goddamn DRAMABOMB!
But that's kinda her thing, you know.
She like the attention I guess.
If you wanna know what's cool,
don't ask some snot-nosed, pimply brat.
Just tune in here every week
and S. M. S. G. H. D. M.!!!
Send Me Some Goddamn Beer Money!
And that's How I Seize It!
Payella, y'all.

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