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The big one is coming, and yes we're talking about earthquakes and yes, we're talking... more »
Published April 01, 2014 34k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

1

(ERIN): THIS IS

2

(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.

3

(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

4

(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

5

(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,

6

(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,

7

(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.

8

(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

9

WELL, THE EARTHQUAKES ARE HAPPENING.

10

I KNOW.

11

AND, THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE,
THAT THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED, AND

12

THEN I STARTED ON MY PERIOD.

13

-THAT ISN'T A COINCIDENCE.
-NO.

14

THAT'S JUST YOUR LIFE.

15

NO, IT IS--

16

EARTHQUAKES HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU GOT
YOUR PERIOD THE SAME WEEK.

17

I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL THE EARTHQUAKE,
AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S WEIRD, I
DIDN'T FEEL IT.

18

YEAH.

19

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY I STARTED MY
PERIOD. SO, MY BODY FELT IT.

20

WELL I DO SEISMOLOGY, WELL I'M NOT
A SEISMOLOGIST, BUT I READ ABOUT SEISMOLOGY.

21

YEAH, OH YOU DO THE SEISMOLOGY CARDS?

22

PEOPLE COME TO MY STUDIO, AND I HAVE A
PEN, AND I CLOSE MY EYES, AND I GO LIKE
THIS...

23

AND THEN, DEPENDING ON HOW BIG OR
HOW SMALL-- IF IT'S A 5.1 OR AN
8.2, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

24

AND THEN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR
PEOPLE'S LIFE?

25

HOW VOLATILE A PERSON IS?

26

I SEE.

27

-FOR INSTANCE, YOU ARE LIKE A 9.8.
-RIGHT.

28

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

29

-WHAT'S A DEAD PERSON?
-A DEAD-- JUST LIKE A FLATLINE?

30

YEAH.

31

IT'S JUST ONE LINE STRAIGHT
ACROSS. LIKE IF SOMEONE COMES...

32

SO--

33

I GET VIBES IN FUNERAL HOMES,
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE--

34

YOU GIVE VIBES OR YOU GET VIBES?

35

-GET.
-OKAY.

36

ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE'S IN A
CASKET, I'LL GET A VIBE...

37

38

ALL THE WAY STRAIGHT LINE.

39

-JUST STRAIGHT LINE?
-YEAH.

40

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT LIKE--

41

NO.

42

HOW INSURMOUNTABLE IT MUST'VE BEEN
TO BUILD THE PYRAMIDS?

43

NO, I THINK HOW EASY.

44

YOU CUT-- TWO STEPS. CUT IT INTO
A TRIANGLE, AND PUSH IT UP.

45

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THERE'S
BRICKS INVOLVED.

46

-YEAH, YOU KNOW--
-PYRAMID BRICKS.

47

I KNOW, BUT YOU STACK-- DID YOU
EVER HAVE LINCOLN LOGS WHEN YOU
WERE A KID?

48

-NO.
-SAME DIFF.

49

WELL, I'M VERY PREPARED FOR THE
NEXT LOOMING, AND DOOMING, EARTH--

50

YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES?

51

I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE
NEXT WEEK, AND IT'LL BE LIKE,

52

BOOM TOWN, BECAUSE
I DID SEISMOLOGY--

53

OH, WE'RE GOING TO START MAKING
MONEY. THERE'S GOING TO BE A GOLD RUSH.

54

-IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?
-YEAH.

55

WE'RE GOING TO FIND OIL.

56

LISTEN, WE HAVE TO, ERIN--

57

I AM ACTUALLY SURPRISED ABOUT SOMETHING.
THAT YOU HAVE NOT

58

THOUGHT OF A WAY YET TO MAKE
MONEY OFF EARTHQUAKES.

59

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
-WHAT'S YOUR AIM GOING TO BE?

60

MY END IS THIS. SO I'M A FANTASTIC--
I CAN BAKE IN THE WORSE SITUATIONS.

61

OH YOU CAN?

62

SO ONCE THE PUENTE HILLS FAULT JUST
CRACKS THROUGH DOWNTOWN L.A.

63

AND SPLITS IT OPEN, OPEN LIKE A--

64

VAGINA?

65

NUT, OR A VAGINA, OR A
NUT IN A VAGINA--

66

YEAH.

67

THEN I WILL COME IN, AND I WILL BE LIKE
WHO WANTS A SCONE, AND

68

I'LL BE SELLING
MY FAMOUS CRANBERRY SCONES.

69

I'M NOT GOING TO BE DISORIENTED,
I TELL YOU THAT, BECAUSE I'VE GOT

70

ALL OF IT SET UP.

71

WELL YOU'RE GOING TO BE DEAD,
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT
YOURSELF RIGHT IN THE HEAD--

72

NO, NOT FOR THE EARTHQUAKE. I
WON'T KILL MYSELF.

73

FOR EVERY OTHER SCENARIO, FOR
JURASSIC PARK OR--

74

AND YOU'RE GOING TO FALL OVER ON THE
STOVE, AND IT'S GOING TO BE

75

ON FIRE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE...

76

FOR EVERY OTHER END OF THE WORLD
THE ROAD, BACK TO THE FUTURE,

77

OR WHATEVER, NOT, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.

78

BACK TO THE FUTURE, YEAH--

79

IF THAT REALLY HAPPENED--

80

AND HE SLITS HIS WRIST--

81

I WOULD THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF,
IF BACK TO THE FUTURE REALLY HAPPENED.

82

TAKE ME BACK TO 1975, BEEP, BOOP, BEEP,
BOOP, BEEP.

83

(MAKES A SLICING NOICE)

84

YEP, YEP.

85

AND THEN HE FILLS UP-- IT'S A
BATHTUB INSIDE THE DELOREAN.

86

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.

87

AND HE BLEEDS OUT, JUST LIKE UM,
THAT WATER MOVIE WITH, UM--

88

REMEMBER THAT WATER MOVIE WITH
MICHELLE PFEIFFER?

89

SHE COMES OUT OF THE WATER.
YOU THINK SHE'S DEAD BUT SHE'S LIKE...

90

WHAT LIES BENEATH?

91

YEAH.

92

DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE, BECAUSE
SHE...(LAUGHS)

93

THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE ISN'T...

94

YES IT IS--

95

IT ISN'T MICHELLE PFEIFFER WAKING
UP WITH STIGMATA, AND COMING OUT
OF A BATH TUB.

96

THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MOVIE'S ABOUT.

97

BUT ISN'T-- HER HUSBAND TRIES TO
KILL HER, OR SHE'S A GHOST.

98

HARRISON FORD TRIES TO GET--
IT'S THE WORSE FUCKING MOVIE.

99

AND I REMEMBER SOMEONE TOLD ME
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE A BATH THE

100

SAME WAY AGAIN, AND I GO, "YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW I TAKE--"

101

-FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I
TAKE A BATH.
-THAT'S HOW YOU TAKE A BATH.

102

IS I FALL ASLEEP. I GET ALL MY
FOOD DYES, AND WHATEVER I'M DOING THAT DAY,

103

IF IT'S BLUE BLOOD, RED BLOOD, WHATEVER,
AND THEN I WAKE UP IMMEDIATELY.

104

HE'S TRYING TO KILL HER,
BUT SHE'S LIKE--

105

AND SHE'S LIKE JUST A FOOD COLORING.

106

SHE'S LIKE BITCH, I ALREADY KILLED
MYSELF, WINK, WINK.

107

YEAH.

108

SHE'S IN THE BATHTUB LIKE...

109

ALL I REMEMBER IS THERE WAS A
GHOST IN THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER.

110

HER MISTAKE WAS SHE SHOULD'VE
CALLED SCOOBY DOO.

111

I MEAN, CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE IF LIKE--

112

NO.

113

SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHTUB,
AND YOU'RE LIKE, OH FUCK

114

SHE'S NOT DEAD, AND THEN YOU JUST
HEAR, "ZOINKS!"

115

YEAH. NO, I CAN'T. I MEAN I CAN'T
IMAGINE IT.

116

IT'S LIKE, SO CRYSTAL CLEAR, BUT I
WOULD HOPE IT WOULD BE SOMEONE

117

IN A SCOOBY DOO COSTUME LIKE, A LA
ICE CAPADES--

118

I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THAT MOVIE WITH MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

119

I'M GOING TO GO, HERE'S THE DEAL,
YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH--

120

YOU'RE DOING A MOVIE YOU'VE ALREADY
DONE, BUT SCOOBY DOO

121

COMES IN, AND ACTION.

122

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE
WHERE'S THE DOTTED LINE.

123

YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH, AND THERE'S
A DOG WHO CAN TALK.

124

-YEAH.
-BOOM SHAKALAKA!
A MILLION DOLLARS--

125

-NO.
-IN MY POCKET.

126

THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO MAKE MONEY
OFF THE EARTHQUAKE.

127

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE
EARTHQUAKE?

128

BECAUSE EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE
DISORIENTED FROM THE EARTHQUAKE,

129

AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO REMEMBER
FIRE WALKS WITH ME, OR...

130

WHAT LIES BENEATH, AND IT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH TWIN PEAKS.

131

NO ONE'S GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT
WHAT LIES BENEATH.

132

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. AND I GO
TO ALL THE BIG STUDIOS, AND I GO,

133

I HAVE THE BEST MOVIE, BOTTA-BING
BOTTA-BOOM LET'S MAKE EVERYBODY

134

HAPPY, BECAUSE WE'VE ALL LOST OUR
HOUSES, AND THE EARTH HAS SUCKED

135

OUR BABIES INTO THE CENTER, AND
CRUSHED THEM.

136

SO THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO GET
AMERICA BACK ON TRACK.

137

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE WERE THE
MOTHERS OF THESE CHILDREN.

138

THAT'S HOW I'M MAKING MONEY OFF
THIS THING IS AMBULANCE CHASING.

139

OH, YEAH.

140

ARRESTING MOTHERS AROUND LOS ANGELES.

141

WHO LET THEIR BABIES FALL INTO THE CRACK?

142

YEAH.

143

MADDAM WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN?

144

LOVE, BRYAN THE LAWYER.

145

AND THAT'S THE COMMERCIAL ON TV?

146

AND I'M--

147

1-800 C A L L F A U L T

148

YEAH, BRING ON THE EARTHQUAKE,
BECAUSE I'M READY TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

149

IS IT AN 800 NUMBER, OR AN 866?

150

IT'S AN 877.

151

152

ERIN, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE TALKED,
ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS ON HERE.

153

WE HAVEN'T.

154

WE TALK ABOUT THE
SAME THING OVER, AND OVER.

155

EVERY WEEK IS THE SAME EPISODE.

156

I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT SCOTT LIVELY.

157

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SCOTT LIVELY IS.

158

(ERIN): I DON'T ACTUALLY.

159

(BRYAN): HE'S NOT BLAKE LIVELY'S FATHER.

160

BASICALLY SCOTT LIVELY IS THE ONE
WHO GOT ALL THIS UGANDA, KILL THE GAYS,

161

IMPRISON THE GAYS-- ALL THESE CRAZY
UGANDAN ANTI-GAY LAWS.

162

OH.

163

HE SET THEM INTO MOTION.

164

WAIT, IS HE AN AMERICAN--

165

HE'S AN AMERICAN.

166

--EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN?

167

ALL OF THAT STUFF WAS COMPLETELY
INFLUENCED BY A SMALL GROUP OF AMERICANS.

168

ALL THE STUFF HAPPENING IN UGANDA.

169

WHICH IS BASICALLY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
IF YOU ARE GAY YOU CAN BE

170

IMPRISONED FOR LIFE, AND IF YOU ARE
FOUND PROMOTING GAY PROPAGANDA

171

WHICH--

172

IS BEING GAY.

173

AS WE KNOW FROM ALL THE RUSSIA STUFF
YOU CAN BE IMPRISONED FOR

174

AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME.

175

WHO KNOWS, BUT ANYWAY.

176

THIS DUDE IS NOW RUNNING FOR THE
GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS.

177

SCOTT LIVELY. WHO IS LIKE PUBLIC
ENEMY NUMBER 1.

178

YEAH, WHAT IS HE THINKING?

179

WELL, I GUESS HE WANTS TO EDUCATE MASSACHUSETTS ON HOW HORRIBLE

180

GAYNESS IS, AND TRY TO TURN THAT
STATE AROUND, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

181

HE WENT RIGHT TO THE WOLF'S DEN.

182

HE DID. HE WENT
RIGHT TO THE WOLF'S DEN.

183

I WANTED TO MENTION A COUPLE OF THINGS
ABOUT WHAT HE DID IN UGANDA

184

TO JUST GET A GOOD BACKGROUND ON HIM.

185

SO WE CAN ALL DISLIKE HIM.

186

-EXACTLY.
-YEAH.

187

SO THERE'S VIDEO OF THIS GUY
WHEN HE WENT OVER THERE, AND LIKE

188

STARTED SHIT UP, AND WAS LIKE
BASICALLY HIS WHOLE MESSAGE

189

WAS THERE'S A GAY MOVEMENT,
AND THEY'RE TURNING YOUR CHILDREN GAY.

190

IT WAS ALL OF THIS FEAR MONGERING, AND
HE MADE THIS BIG PRESENTATION

191

IN FRONT OF THESE LAW MAKERS. ONE
OF WHICH HE CATEGORIZED GAYS, AS

192

DIFFERENT THINGS. ONE CATEGORY WAS
CALLED, SUPER MACHOS.

193

AND THOSE GAYS WERE THE ONES
WHO HELPED HITLER COME TO POWER.

194

OH. ALL THE GUYS IN TANK TOPS.
WITH LIKE PLA-DOW, PLA-DOW, PLA-DOW.

195

YEP.

196

WHO HAVE LIKE--

197

THE TOMA TINLIN. ALL HELPED
HITLER TO POWER.

198

-AND THOSE WERE CALLED--
-AND THEY DID CREATINE--

199

BY THE WAY, IF YOU WERE THE PERSON
WHO HELPED HITLER GET TO POWER

200

DON'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE A
MORE HORRIBLE NAME THAN SUPER MACHOS?

201

ALSO DON'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD'VE
BEEN TRIED IN THE NUREMBERG TRIALS?

202

YES.

203

THE NEXT CATEGORY WAS THE MONSTERS.
AND THESE WERE THE

204

SOCIOPATHS-- THE PEOPLE WHO RAN
THE GAS CHAMBERS, AND ARE PROBABLY

205

THE ONES TO BLAME FOR THE MASS
GENOCIDE IN RWANDA.

206

SO BASICALLY, GAY PEOPLE HELPED THE NAZIS.

207

GAY PEOPLE-- THE ONLY NAZI WHO
WASN'T GAY WAS HITLER.

208

EXPLAIN GAY JEWS TO ME PLEASE.

209

YEAH. THE ONLY NAZI WHO
WASN'T GAY WAS HITLER APPARENTLY.

210

UM, SO ANYWAY, HE WAS RECENTLY, NOW
THAT HE'S RUNNING FOR

211

GOVERNOR, HE'S GIVING INTERVIEWS
TO PEOPLE WHO ARE MOSTLY RATIONAL

212

THINKERS. IN ONE OF THESE INTERVIEWS
WITH BRITAIN'S CHANNEL 4

213

WHICH PROFILED SCOTT LIVELY, AND HIS
RUN FOR GOVERNOR.

214

OH WOW. ENGLAND'S GETTING INVOLVED.

215

ENGLAND-- ENGLAND, GOT MORE INVOLVED
THAN WE DID INITIALLY.

216

IN ONE OF THESE NEW INTERVIEWS
HE, BECAUSE OBAMA HAS COME

217

DOWN STRONGLY AGAINST THESE
UGANDAN LAWS, AND HE CALLED

218

PRESIDENT OBAMA A HOMOSEXUALIST. WHICH...

219

WHICH MEANS HE'S PRO GAY.

220

WHICH MIGHT BE TRUE.

221

AND THAT HE MAY
WELL BE A HOMOSEXUAL HIMSELF.

222

SO.

223

SO, A) SO. B) NO. AND C) UM, YOU KNOW... NO.

224

AND D) NO.

225

E) NO.

226

F) NO.

227

SO HE, UH...

228

SCOTT

229

SCOTT LIVELY.

230

IS THAT WHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?

231

YEAH.

232

SAID THAT HE WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT
UGANDA QUOTE FELL BACK INTO

233

PUNITIVE SANCTIONS. SAYING THAT HE WAS
URGING THEM TO FOCUS ON

234

THERAPY AND PREVENTION, AND
NOT NECESSARILY JAIL TIME.

235

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

236

NO. I DON'T EITHER.

237

AT ALL, I THINK HE WAS LIKE, HE
WENT DOWN THERE, AND STARTED

238

STIRRING THE FUCKING POT, AND THEN
THIS WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND

239

HE WAS LIKE, "OH SHIT. WHAT HAS
THOU DONE?"

240

YEAH, AND THEN HE ASKED HIM WELL
WHAT IF THESE PEOPLE WOULDN'T WANT TO

241

GO INTO AN EX-GAY THERAPY PROGRAM.
WHAT IF THESE PEOPLE

242

WOULDN'T WANT TO GO FROM GAY TO
STRAIGHT, WHICH DOENS'T EXIST,

243

BUT WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT THERAPY, AND HE
GOES, "WELL THEN

244

THEY COULD GO TO JAIL." AND WHEN
WE LOOK AT PEOPLE WHO SORT OF

245

BANG THE DRUM LOUDLY, BUT DON'T
ACTUALLY DO VERY MUCH, LIKE

246

THE PHELPS FOR INSTANCE, THAT'S
SORT OF JUST A MEDIA CREATION.

247

THEY'RE HORRIBLE, BUT THEY'RE NOT
POWERFUL. THAT'S A VERY TINY

248

GROUP OF LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT JUST
LIKE-- THEY HAVE VERY
PROVOCATIVE SIGNAGE, SO

249

PEOPLE WANT TO CAPTURE THAT. THIS
GUY IS ACTUALLY A MONSTER, AND LIKE

250

IS MAYBE HE'S NOT AS FRONT AND
CENTER AS THE PHELPS FAMILY IS

251

BUT HE'S DOING SO MUCH DAMAGE--
REALLY THIS COUNTRY'S NOT GOING

252

TO PUT UP WITH IT REALLY, BUT
OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE, AND ARE.

253

I JUST WANT TO SAY, THAT I DO HOPE
THAT BLAKE LIVELY IS RELATED TO HIM,

254

BECAUSE SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO
GET THROUGH.

255

OH YEAH.

256

SHE COULD JUST BE LIKE, LISTEN, I HAVE A
LIFESTYLE BLOG, YOU'RE LIVING

257

YOUR LIFE WRONG--

258

-LOOK INTO MY MOLE.
-YEAH.

259

LOOK INTO MY MOLE, AND I KNOW WHO
GOSSIP GIRL IS, AND IF THAT

260

WILL SETTLE THIS WHOLE THING, THEN
SO BE IT.

261

I DON'T THINK OF ANOTHER WAY--
ANY OTHER WAY THIS COULD GET SETTLED.

262

NO, SO UH, GO FUCK
YOURSELF SCOTT LIVELY.

263

264

OUR GUEST TODAY IS DEFINITELY THE
SMARTEST PERSON WE'VE EVER MET.

265

EVER MET.

266

SHE IS AN AUTHOR OF MANY BOOKS.
SHE'S THE WRITER OF MANY ARTICLES.

267

BOOKS INCLUDED ORCHID THIEF, RIN TIN TIN, AND SHE'S A TWITTER LEGEND.

268

AN ALL AROUND GOLD DIGGER.
SUSAN ORLEAN IS HERE.

269

HELLO.

270

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

271

I'M THRILLED TO BE HERE, I'M ALSO
THRILLED TO BE CALLED THE

272

SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW. I MEAN,
I COULD DIE HAPPY.

273

YEAH. IT'S BARELY A COMPLIMENT.
THE PEOPLE WE RUN AROUND WITH

274

ARE TOTAL IDIOTS.

275

(CHUCKLES) OH.

276

SO, YOU'RE JUST
A HALF A STEP ABOVE THEM.

277

OKAY, SO NOW YOU'VE SOBERED ME UP
A LITTLE BIT.

278

YEAH.

279

OKAY, SUSAN WE'RE GOING TO GET
INTO A FEW QUESTIONS WITH YOU.

280

I KNOW YOU GET ASKED THIS ALL
THE TIME. I'M SURE IT'S PROBABLY

281

THE FIRST QUESTION OUT OF EVERYONE'S
MOUTH, BUT MERYL STREEP

282

PLAYED YOU IN A FILM. SO WHAT
WAS THAT LIKE FOR MERYL STREEP

283

TO PLAY YOU IN THE DEVIL WEAR'S PRADA?

284

I THINK THE FACT THAT SHE COULD
SWING SO GRACEFULLY FROM ONE

285

PERFORMANCE AS ME TO ANOTHER
WITH BARELY A RIPPLE, I MEAN,

286

I THINK IT STRETCHED
HER AS AN ACTOR.

287

DID YOU TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE
EVER? HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN TO

288

MARYL STREEP?

289

WE HANG.

290

HAVE YOU EVER DONE
FRECH BRAIDS ON EACH OTHER?

291

-WAIT, WERE YOU THERE?
-(ERIN): HAVE YOU EVER
FRENCH BRAIDED?

292

OH, MY GOD YES I KNOW HOW TO
FRENCH BRADE. ONE OF THE TALENTS

293

I WAS TELLING YOU THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW THAT I HAVE.

294

I CAN FRENCH BRAID MYSELF.

295

YOU CAN'T?

296

I CAN.

297

YOU HAVE TO-- YOU CAN'T LOOK.
YOU CAN'T USE A MIRROR.

298

YOU HAVE TO JUST IMAGINE IT, AND
DO IT AS IF IT WERE BEING DONE--

299

-YOU'RE DOING IT ON SOMEONE ELSE.
AND I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT.

300

-THAT'S LIKE BEETHOVEN.

301

-AT LEAST.
-YEAH.

302

-I MEAN I WAS THINKING MORE EINSTEIN.
-I MEANT THE MOVIE.

303

THE MOVIE ABOUT THE
SAINT BERNARD.

304

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT IS.

305

IT'S A LOT LIKE THAT.

306

HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED MERYL STREEP?

307

ONLY ONCE.

308

-YEAH.
-YEAH.

309

OKAY, SO YOUR ARTICLE LIFE'S SWELL
FROM OUTSIDE MAGAZINE BECAME

310

THE MOVIE BLUE
CRUSH WITH KATE BOSWORTH.

311

RIGHT.

312

DO YOU RELATE MORE TO KATE
BOSWORTH, OR MERYL STREEP?

313

WOAH, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

314

BECAUSE KATE BOSWORTH HAS EARRINGS,
AND STUFF SHE SELLS.

315

IF THAT--

316

WELL NOW-- PROBABLY KATE.

317

YEAH.

318

WERE YOU ALSO THE STUNT COORDINATOR
ON THAT MOVIE,

319

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY
DID THOSE STUNTS.

320

THEY REALLY SURFED.

321

I WAS. THAT'S THE OTHER, YOU KNOW
THE FRENCH BRAIDING THING THAT

322

I'M REALLY GOOD AT, THE OTHER THING
IS THE SURF STUNT
COORDINATION THAT'S ME.

323

YEAH.

324

THAT'S MY OTHER JOB.

325

DID YOU UNDERSTAND DONNIE DARKO?

326

OH YEAH.

327

I DIDN'T AT ALL.

328

(LAUGHS)

329

WELL, CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO HIM?

330

LIFE IS CHAOS.

331

OK.

332

BOOM.

333

WELL I DISAGREE
WITH THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY, I THINK IT'S

334

PEACEFUL AND RELAXING.

335

IF JURASSIC PARK WERE REAL, LIKE
IF THE DINOSAURS CAME TO LIFE,

336

HOW LONG WOULD YOU FIGHT, OR
WOULD YOU JUST BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT?

337

I WOULD BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.

338

-I'D FIGHT.
-YOU WOULD?

339

I MEAN--

340

YOU'RE AN ADVENTUROUS PERSON THOUGH.

341

YEAH, THE TEMPTATION WOULD BE
TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, BUT I THINK

342

BECAUSE DINOSAURS ARE STUPID.

343

YEAH.

344

(LAUGHS)

345

WELL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT--

346

I MEAN THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK
THAT YOU COULDN'T OUT SMART

347

THEM. YOU MAY NOT
BE ABLE TO OUTFIGHT THEM.

348

RIGHT.

349

YOU KNOW WHAT SUSAN, I HAVE TO
HONEST WITH YOU, I REALLY

350

LEGITIMATELY THINK ABOUT THAT
QUESTION A LOT, BECAUSE

351

AFTER I READ, THE ROAD I STARTED
THINKING LIKE I NEED TO GET A GUN.

352

LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

353

OH GOD.

354

AND THEN I STARTED THINKING, IF
JURASSIC PARK BECAME REAL I WOULD

355

JUST LIKE, END MY OWN LIFE, BUT
YOUR RIGHT ABOUT THE DINOSAURS.

356

DINOSAURS, IF SOMEONE SAID TO ME
THE NAZIS HAVE TAKEN OVER...

357

RIGHT.

358

THEN I WOULD BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
I MEAN, BECAUSE, I THINK IF IT WAS

359

ME AGAINST PEOPLE, I'D PROBABLY
SAY THAT'S IT, BUT ME AGAINST

360

DINOSAURS, I MEAN--

361

IT'S AN EASY STEP.

362

YEAH. I'M NOT WORRIED.

363

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME NOW
CALLED SHADE, NO SHADE.

364

THE WAY IT WORKS IS, WE JUST SAY
A HEADLINE OR SOMETHING RIDICULOUS
AND YOU EITHER SAY

365

SHADE, WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T LIKE IT, OR NO SHADE WHICH MEANS YOU DO LIKE IT.

366

IT'S KIND OF CONFUSING LIKE
THE FICTION NON-FICTION THING.

367

MILEY CYRUS. SHADE OR NO SHADE.

368

SHADE.

369

YEAH. PAULA DEAN'S COMEBACK?

370

SHADE.

371

DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENT ON THAT?

372

IT'S ALMOST A RELIEF, BECAUSE DO
YOU THINK SHE REALLY IS AS

373

UNLIKEABLE AS YOU THOUGHT, AND THEN
THERE WAS ONE MOMENT

374

WHERE YOU THINK, WAIT MAYBE WE
WERE JUMPING TO JUDGEMENT HERE,

375

AND THEN YOU THINK, NO.

376

-YOU'RE RIGHT
-NO, NO, NO, NO...

377

SHE'S DONE.

378

BROCOLI. SHADE OR NO SHADE.

379

NO SHADE.

380

CHICAGO THE MUSICAL.

381

NO SHADE.

382

INTO THE WOODS.

383

NO SHADE.

384

AND FINALLY, WHO WOULD YOU WANT
TO GET DRUNK WITH?

385

UM, WILLIAM FAULKNER.

386

OH. THAT'S GOOD. HE ALSO ALREADY
DRINKS, SO YOU WOULD--

387

RIGHT, I WOULD HAVE TO CATCH UP.

388

YEAH.

389

(ERIN AND BRYAN): THANK YOU SO MUCH SUSAN.

390

THANK YOU.

391

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