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Published April 01, 2014 36k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

(ERIN): THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.
(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,
(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,
(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,
(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
WELL, THE EARTHQUAKES ARE HAPPENING.
I KNOW.
AND, THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE,
THAT THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED, AND
THEN I STARTED ON MY PERIOD.
-THAT ISN'T A COINCIDENCE.
-NO.
THAT'S JUST YOUR LIFE.
NO, IT IS--
EARTHQUAKES HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU GOT
YOUR PERIOD THE SAME WEEK.
I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL THE EARTHQUAKE,
AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S WEIRD, I
DIDN'T FEEL IT.
YEAH.
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY I STARTED MY
PERIOD. SO, MY BODY FELT IT.
WELL I DO SEISMOLOGY, WELL I'M NOT
A SEISMOLOGIST, BUT I READ ABOUT SEISMOLOGY.
YEAH, OH YOU DO THE SEISMOLOGY CARDS?
PEOPLE COME TO MY STUDIO, AND I HAVE A
PEN, AND I CLOSE MY EYES, AND I GO LIKE
THIS...
AND THEN, DEPENDING ON HOW BIG OR
HOW SMALL-- IF IT'S A 5.1 OR AN
.2, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
AND THEN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR
PEOPLE'S LIFE?
HOW VOLATILE A PERSON IS?
I SEE.
-FOR INSTANCE, YOU ARE LIKE A 9.8.
-RIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
-WHAT'S A DEAD PERSON?
-A DEAD-- JUST LIKE A FLATLINE?
YEAH.
IT'S JUST ONE LINE STRAIGHT
ACROSS. LIKE IF SOMEONE COMES...
SO--
I GET VIBES IN FUNERAL HOMES,
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE--
YOU GIVE VIBES OR YOU GET VIBES?
-GET.
-OKAY.
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE'S IN A
CASKET, I'LL GET A VIBE...
ALL THE WAY STRAIGHT LINE.
-JUST STRAIGHT LINE?
-YEAH.
DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT LIKE--
NO.
HOW INSURMOUNTABLE IT MUST'VE BEEN
TO BUILD THE PYRAMIDS?
NO, I THINK HOW EASY.
YOU CUT-- TWO STEPS. CUT IT INTO
A TRIANGLE, AND PUSH IT UP.
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THERE'S
BRICKS INVOLVED.
-YEAH, YOU KNOW--
-PYRAMID BRICKS.
I KNOW, BUT YOU STACK-- DID YOU
EVER HAVE LINCOLN LOGS WHEN YOU
WERE A KID?
-NO.
-SAME DIFF.
WELL, I'M VERY PREPARED FOR THE
NEXT LOOMING, AND DOOMING, EARTH--
YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES?
I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE
NEXT WEEK, AND IT'LL BE LIKE,
BOOM TOWN, BECAUSE
I DID SEISMOLOGY--
OH, WE'RE GOING TO START MAKING
MONEY. THERE'S GOING TO BE A GOLD RUSH.
-IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?
-YEAH.
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OIL.
LISTEN, WE HAVE TO, ERIN--
I AM ACTUALLY SURPRISED ABOUT SOMETHING.
THAT YOU HAVE NOT
THOUGHT OF A WAY YET TO MAKE
MONEY OFF EARTHQUAKES.
-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
-WHAT'S YOUR AIM GOING TO BE?
MY END IS THIS. SO I'M A FANTASTIC--
I CAN BAKE IN THE WORSE SITUATIONS.
OH YOU CAN?
SO ONCE THE PUENTE HILLS FAULT JUST
CRACKS THROUGH DOWNTOWN L.A.
AND SPLITS IT OPEN, OPEN LIKE A--
VAGINA?
NUT, OR A VAGINA, OR A
NUT IN A VAGINA--
YEAH.
THEN I WILL COME IN, AND I WILL BE LIKE
WHO WANTS A SCONE, AND
I'LL BE SELLING
MY FAMOUS CRANBERRY SCONES.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE DISORIENTED,
I TELL YOU THAT, BECAUSE I'VE GOT
ALL OF IT SET UP.
WELL YOU'RE GOING TO BE DEAD,
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT
YOURSELF RIGHT IN THE HEAD--
NO, NOT FOR THE EARTHQUAKE. I
WON'T KILL MYSELF.
FOR EVERY OTHER SCENARIO, FOR
JURASSIC PARK OR--
AND YOU'RE GOING TO FALL OVER ON THE
STOVE, AND IT'S GOING TO BE
ON FIRE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE...
FOR EVERY OTHER END OF THE WORLD
THE ROAD, BACK TO THE FUTURE,
OR WHATEVER, NOT, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
BACK TO THE FUTURE, YEAH--
IF THAT REALLY HAPPENED--
AND HE SLITS HIS WRIST--
I WOULD THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF,
IF BACK TO THE FUTURE REALLY HAPPENED.
TAKE ME BACK TO 1975, BEEP, BOOP, BEEP,
BOOP, BEEP.
(MAKES A SLICING NOICE)
YEP, YEP.
AND THEN HE FILLS UP-- IT'S A
BATHTUB INSIDE THE DELOREAN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND HE BLEEDS OUT, JUST LIKE UM,
THAT WATER MOVIE WITH, UM--
REMEMBER THAT WATER MOVIE WITH
MICHELLE PFEIFFER?
SHE COMES OUT OF THE WATER.
YOU THINK SHE'S DEAD BUT SHE'S LIKE...
WHAT LIES BENEATH?
YEAH.
DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE, BECAUSE
SHE...(LAUGHS)
THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE ISN'T...
YES IT IS--
IT ISN'T MICHELLE PFEIFFER WAKING
UP WITH STIGMATA, AND COMING OUT
OF A BATH TUB.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MOVIE'S ABOUT.
BUT ISN'T-- HER HUSBAND TRIES TO
KILL HER, OR SHE'S A GHOST.
HARRISON FORD TRIES TO GET--
IT'S THE WORSE FUCKING MOVIE.
AND I REMEMBER SOMEONE TOLD ME
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE A BATH THE
SAME WAY AGAIN, AND I GO, "YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW I TAKE--"
-FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I
TAKE A BATH.
-THAT'S HOW YOU TAKE A BATH.
IS I FALL ASLEEP. I GET ALL MY
FOOD DYES, AND WHATEVER I'M DOING THAT DAY,
IF IT'S BLUE BLOOD, RED BLOOD, WHATEVER,
AND THEN I WAKE UP IMMEDIATELY.
HE'S TRYING TO KILL HER,
BUT SHE'S LIKE--
AND SHE'S LIKE JUST A FOOD COLORING.
SHE'S LIKE BITCH, I ALREADY KILLED
MYSELF, WINK, WINK.
YEAH.
SHE'S IN THE BATHTUB LIKE...
ALL I REMEMBER IS THERE WAS A
GHOST IN THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER.
HER MISTAKE WAS SHE SHOULD'VE
CALLED SCOOBY DOO.
I MEAN, CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE IF LIKE--
NO.
SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHTUB,
AND YOU'RE LIKE, OH FUCK
SHE'S NOT DEAD, AND THEN YOU JUST
HEAR, "ZOINKS!"
YEAH. NO, I CAN'T. I MEAN I CAN'T
IMAGINE IT.
IT'S LIKE, SO CRYSTAL CLEAR, BUT I
WOULD HOPE IT WOULD BE SOMEONE
IN A SCOOBY DOO COSTUME LIKE, A LA
ICE CAPADES--
I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THAT MOVIE WITH MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
I'M GOING TO GO, HERE'S THE DEAL,
YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH--
YOU'RE DOING A MOVIE YOU'VE ALREADY
DONE, BUT SCOOBY DOO
COMES IN, AND ACTION.
AND SHE'LL BE LIKE
WHERE'S THE DOTTED LINE.
YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH, AND THERE'S
A DOG WHO CAN TALK.
-YEAH.
-BOOM SHAKALAKA!
A MILLION DOLLARS--
-NO.
-IN MY POCKET.
THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO MAKE MONEY
OFF THE EARTHQUAKE.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE
EARTHQUAKE?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE
DISORIENTED FROM THE EARTHQUAKE,
AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO REMEMBER
FIRE WALKS WITH ME, OR...
WHAT LIES BENEATH, AND IT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH TWIN PEAKS.
NO ONE'S GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT
WHAT LIES BENEATH.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. AND I GO
TO ALL THE BIG STUDIOS, AND I GO,
I HAVE THE BEST MOVIE, BOTTA-BING
BOTTA-BOOM LET'S MAKE EVERYBODY
HAPPY, BECAUSE WE'VE ALL LOST OUR
HOUSES, AND THE EARTH HAS SUCKED
OUR BABIES INTO THE CENTER, AND
CRUSHED THEM.
SO THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO GET
AMERICA BACK ON TRACK.
I WANT TO KNOW WHERE WERE THE
MOTHERS OF THESE CHILDREN.
THAT'S HOW I'M MAKING MONEY OFF
THIS THING IS AMBULANCE CHASING.
OH, YEAH.
ARRESTING MOTHERS AROUND LOS ANGELES.
WHO LET THEIR BABIES FALL INTO THE CRACK?
YEAH.
MADDAM WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN?
LOVE, BRYAN THE LAWYER.
AND THAT'S THE COMMERCIAL ON TV?
AND I'M--
-800 C A L L F A U L T
YEAH, BRING ON THE EARTHQUAKE,
BECAUSE I'M READY TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
IS IT AN 800 NUMBER, OR AN 866?
IT'S AN 877.
ERIN, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE TALKED,
ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS ON HERE.
WE HAVEN'T.
WE TALK ABOUT THE
SAME THING OVER, AND OVER.
EVERY WEEK IS THE SAME EPISODE.
I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT SCOTT LIVELY.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SCOTT LIVELY IS.
(ERIN): I DON'T ACTUALLY.
(BRYAN): HE'S NOT BLAKE LIVELY'S FATHER.
BASICALLY SCOTT LIVELY IS THE ONE
WHO GOT ALL THIS UGANDA, KILL THE GAYS,
IMPRISON THE GAYS-- ALL THESE CRAZY
UGANDAN ANTI-GAY LAWS.
OH.
HE SET THEM INTO MOTION.
WAIT, IS HE AN AMERICAN--
HE'S AN AMERICAN.
--EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN?
ALL OF THAT STUFF WAS COMPLETELY
INFLUENCED BY A SMALL GROUP OF AMERICANS.
ALL THE STUFF HAPPENING IN UGANDA.
WHICH IS BASICALLY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
IF YOU ARE GAY YOU CAN BE
IMPRISONED FOR LIFE, AND IF YOU ARE
FOUND PROMOTING GAY PROPAGANDA
WHICH--
IS BEING GAY.
AS WE KNOW FROM ALL THE RUSSIA STUFF
YOU CAN BE IMPRISONED FOR
AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME.
WHO KNOWS, BUT ANYWAY.
THIS DUDE IS NOW RUNNING FOR THE
GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS.
SCOTT LIVELY. WHO IS LIKE PUBLIC
ENEMY NUMBER 1.
YEAH, WHAT IS HE THINKING?
WELL, I GUESS HE WANTS TO EDUCATE MASSACHUSETTS ON HOW HORRIBLE
GAYNESS IS, AND TRY TO TURN THAT
STATE AROUND, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
HE WENT RIGHT TO THE WOLF'S DEN.
HE DID. HE WENT
RIGHT TO THE WOLF'S DEN.
I WANTED TO MENTION A COUPLE OF THINGS
ABOUT WHAT HE DID IN UGANDA
TO JUST GET A GOOD BACKGROUND ON HIM.
SO WE CAN ALL DISLIKE HIM.
-EXACTLY.
-YEAH.
SO THERE'S VIDEO OF THIS GUY
WHEN HE WENT OVER THERE, AND LIKE
STARTED SHIT UP, AND WAS LIKE
BASICALLY HIS WHOLE MESSAGE
WAS THERE'S A GAY MOVEMENT,
AND THEY'RE TURNING YOUR CHILDREN GAY.
IT WAS ALL OF THIS FEAR MONGERING, AND
HE MADE THIS BIG PRESENTATION
IN FRONT OF THESE LAW MAKERS. ONE
OF WHICH HE CATEGORIZED GAYS, AS
DIFFERENT THINGS. ONE CATEGORY WAS
CALLED, SUPER MACHOS.
AND THOSE GAYS WERE THE ONES
WHO HELPED HITLER COME TO POWER.
OH. ALL THE GUYS IN TANK TOPS.
WITH LIKE PLA-DOW, PLA-DOW, PLA-DOW.
YEP.
WHO HAVE LIKE--
THE TOMA TINLIN. ALL HELPED
HITLER TO POWER.
-AND THOSE WERE CALLED--
-AND THEY DID CREATINE--
BY THE WAY, IF YOU WERE THE PERSON
WHO HELPED HITLER GET TO POWER
DON'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE A
MORE HORRIBLE NAME THAN SUPER MACHOS?
ALSO DON'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD'VE
BEEN TRIED IN THE NUREMBERG TRIALS?
YES.
THE NEXT CATEGORY WAS THE MONSTERS.
AND THESE WERE THE
SOCIOPATHS-- THE PEOPLE WHO RAN
THE GAS CHAMBERS, AND ARE PROBABLY
THE ONES TO BLAME FOR THE MASS
GENOCIDE IN RWANDA.
SO BASICALLY, GAY PEOPLE HELPED THE NAZIS.
GAY PEOPLE-- THE ONLY NAZI WHO
WASN'T GAY WAS HITLER.
EXPLAIN GAY JEWS TO ME PLEASE.
YEAH. THE ONLY NAZI WHO
WASN'T GAY WAS HITLER APPARENTLY.
UM, SO ANYWAY, HE WAS RECENTLY, NOW
THAT HE'S RUNNING FOR
GOVERNOR, HE'S GIVING INTERVIEWS
TO PEOPLE WHO ARE MOSTLY RATIONAL
THINKERS. IN ONE OF THESE INTERVIEWS
WITH BRITAIN'S CHANNEL 4
WHICH PROFILED SCOTT LIVELY, AND HIS
RUN FOR GOVERNOR.
OH WOW. ENGLAND'S GETTING INVOLVED.
ENGLAND-- ENGLAND, GOT MORE INVOLVED
THAN WE DID INITIALLY.
IN ONE OF THESE NEW INTERVIEWS
HE, BECAUSE OBAMA HAS COME
DOWN STRONGLY AGAINST THESE
UGANDAN LAWS, AND HE CALLED
PRESIDENT OBAMA A HOMOSEXUALIST. WHICH...
WHICH MEANS HE'S PRO GAY.
WHICH MIGHT BE TRUE.
AND THAT HE MAY
WELL BE A HOMOSEXUAL HIMSELF.
SO.
SO, A) SO. B) NO. AND C) UM, YOU KNOW... NO.
AND D) NO.
E) NO.
F) NO.
SO HE, UH...
SCOTT
SCOTT LIVELY.
IS THAT WHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?
YEAH.
SAID THAT HE WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT
UGANDA QUOTE FELL BACK INTO
PUNITIVE SANCTIONS. SAYING THAT HE WAS
URGING THEM TO FOCUS ON
THERAPY AND PREVENTION, AND
NOT NECESSARILY JAIL TIME.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
NO. I DON'T EITHER.
AT ALL, I THINK HE WAS LIKE, HE
WENT DOWN THERE, AND STARTED
STIRRING THE FUCKING POT, AND THEN
THIS WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND
HE WAS LIKE, "OH SHIT. WHAT HAS
THOU DONE?"
YEAH, AND THEN HE ASKED HIM WELL
WHAT IF THESE PEOPLE WOULDN'T WANT TO
GO INTO AN EX-GAY THERAPY PROGRAM.
WHAT IF THESE PEOPLE
WOULDN'T WANT TO GO FROM GAY TO
STRAIGHT, WHICH DOENS'T EXIST,
BUT WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT THERAPY, AND HE
GOES, "WELL THEN
THEY COULD GO TO JAIL." AND WHEN
WE LOOK AT PEOPLE WHO SORT OF
BANG THE DRUM LOUDLY, BUT DON'T
ACTUALLY DO VERY MUCH, LIKE
THE PHELPS FOR INSTANCE, THAT'S
SORT OF JUST A MEDIA CREATION.
THEY'RE HORRIBLE, BUT THEY'RE NOT
POWERFUL. THAT'S A VERY TINY
GROUP OF LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT JUST
LIKE-- THEY HAVE VERY
PROVOCATIVE SIGNAGE, SO
PEOPLE WANT TO CAPTURE THAT. THIS
GUY IS ACTUALLY A MONSTER, AND LIKE
IS MAYBE HE'S NOT AS FRONT AND
CENTER AS THE PHELPS FAMILY IS
BUT HE'S DOING SO MUCH DAMAGE--
REALLY THIS COUNTRY'S NOT GOING
TO PUT UP WITH IT REALLY, BUT
OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE, AND ARE.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THAT I DO HOPE
THAT BLAKE LIVELY IS RELATED TO HIM,
BECAUSE SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO
GET THROUGH.
OH YEAH.
SHE COULD JUST BE LIKE, LISTEN, I HAVE A
LIFESTYLE BLOG, YOU'RE LIVING
YOUR LIFE WRONG--
-LOOK INTO MY MOLE.
-YEAH.
LOOK INTO MY MOLE, AND I KNOW WHO
GOSSIP GIRL IS, AND IF THAT
WILL SETTLE THIS WHOLE THING, THEN
SO BE IT.
I DON'T THINK OF ANOTHER WAY--
ANY OTHER WAY THIS COULD GET SETTLED.
NO, SO UH, GO FUCK
YOURSELF SCOTT LIVELY.
OUR GUEST TODAY IS DEFINITELY THE
SMARTEST PERSON WE'VE EVER MET.
EVER MET.
SHE IS AN AUTHOR OF MANY BOOKS.
SHE'S THE WRITER OF MANY ARTICLES.
BOOKS INCLUDED ORCHID THIEF, RIN TIN TIN, AND SHE'S A TWITTER LEGEND.
AN ALL AROUND GOLD DIGGER.
SUSAN ORLEAN IS HERE.
HELLO.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
I'M THRILLED TO BE HERE, I'M ALSO
THRILLED TO BE CALLED THE
SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW. I MEAN,
I COULD DIE HAPPY.
YEAH. IT'S BARELY A COMPLIMENT.
THE PEOPLE WE RUN AROUND WITH
ARE TOTAL IDIOTS.
(CHUCKLES) OH.
SO, YOU'RE JUST
A HALF A STEP ABOVE THEM.
OKAY, SO NOW YOU'VE SOBERED ME UP
A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH.
OKAY, SUSAN WE'RE GOING TO GET
INTO A FEW QUESTIONS WITH YOU.
I KNOW YOU GET ASKED THIS ALL
THE TIME. I'M SURE IT'S PROBABLY
THE FIRST QUESTION OUT OF EVERYONE'S
MOUTH, BUT MERYL STREEP
PLAYED YOU IN A FILM. SO WHAT
WAS THAT LIKE FOR MERYL STREEP
TO PLAY YOU IN THE DEVIL WEAR'S PRADA?
I THINK THE FACT THAT SHE COULD
SWING SO GRACEFULLY FROM ONE
PERFORMANCE AS ME TO ANOTHER
WITH BARELY A RIPPLE, I MEAN,
I THINK IT STRETCHED
HER AS AN ACTOR.
DID YOU TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE
EVER? HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN TO
MARYL STREEP?
WE HANG.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE
FRECH BRAIDS ON EACH OTHER?
-WAIT, WERE YOU THERE?
-(ERIN): HAVE YOU EVER
FRENCH BRAIDED?
OH, MY GOD YES I KNOW HOW TO
FRENCH BRADE. ONE OF THE TALENTS
I WAS TELLING YOU THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW THAT I HAVE.
I CAN FRENCH BRAID MYSELF.
YOU CAN'T?
I CAN.
YOU HAVE TO-- YOU CAN'T LOOK.
YOU CAN'T USE A MIRROR.
YOU HAVE TO JUST IMAGINE IT, AND
DO IT AS IF IT WERE BEING DONE--
-YOU'RE DOING IT ON SOMEONE ELSE.
AND I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT.
-THAT'S LIKE BEETHOVEN.
-AT LEAST.
-YEAH.
-I MEAN I WAS THINKING MORE EINSTEIN.
-I MEANT THE MOVIE.
THE MOVIE ABOUT THE
SAINT BERNARD.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT IS.
IT'S A LOT LIKE THAT.
HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED MERYL STREEP?
ONLY ONCE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
OKAY, SO YOUR ARTICLE LIFE'S SWELL
FROM OUTSIDE MAGAZINE BECAME
THE MOVIE BLUE
CRUSH WITH KATE BOSWORTH.
RIGHT.
DO YOU RELATE MORE TO KATE
BOSWORTH, OR MERYL STREEP?
WOAH, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.
BECAUSE KATE BOSWORTH HAS EARRINGS,
AND STUFF SHE SELLS.
IF THAT--
WELL NOW-- PROBABLY KATE.
YEAH.
WERE YOU ALSO THE STUNT COORDINATOR
ON THAT MOVIE,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY
DID THOSE STUNTS.
THEY REALLY SURFED.
I WAS. THAT'S THE OTHER, YOU KNOW
THE FRENCH BRAIDING THING THAT
I'M REALLY GOOD AT, THE OTHER THING
IS THE SURF STUNT
COORDINATION THAT'S ME.
YEAH.
THAT'S MY OTHER JOB.
DID YOU UNDERSTAND DONNIE DARKO?
OH YEAH.
I DIDN'T AT ALL.
(LAUGHS)
WELL, CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO HIM?
LIFE IS CHAOS.
OK.
BOOM.
WELL I DISAGREE
WITH THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY, I THINK IT'S
PEACEFUL AND RELAXING.
IF JURASSIC PARK WERE REAL, LIKE
IF THE DINOSAURS CAME TO LIFE,
HOW LONG WOULD YOU FIGHT, OR
WOULD YOU JUST BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT?
I WOULD BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
-I'D FIGHT.
-YOU WOULD?
I MEAN--
YOU'RE AN ADVENTUROUS PERSON THOUGH.
YEAH, THE TEMPTATION WOULD BE
TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, BUT I THINK
BECAUSE DINOSAURS ARE STUPID.
YEAH.
(LAUGHS)
WELL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT--
I MEAN THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK
THAT YOU COULDN'T OUT SMART
THEM. YOU MAY NOT
BE ABLE TO OUTFIGHT THEM.
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT SUSAN, I HAVE TO
HONEST WITH YOU, I REALLY
LEGITIMATELY THINK ABOUT THAT
QUESTION A LOT, BECAUSE
AFTER I READ, THE ROAD I STARTED
THINKING LIKE I NEED TO GET A GUN.
LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
OH GOD.
AND THEN I STARTED THINKING, IF
JURASSIC PARK BECAME REAL I WOULD
JUST LIKE, END MY OWN LIFE, BUT
YOUR RIGHT ABOUT THE DINOSAURS.
DINOSAURS, IF SOMEONE SAID TO ME
THE NAZIS HAVE TAKEN OVER...
RIGHT.
THEN I WOULD BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
I MEAN, BECAUSE, I THINK IF IT WAS
ME AGAINST PEOPLE, I'D PROBABLY
SAY THAT'S IT, BUT ME AGAINST
DINOSAURS, I MEAN--
IT'S AN EASY STEP.
YEAH. I'M NOT WORRIED.
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME NOW
CALLED SHADE, NO SHADE.
THE WAY IT WORKS IS, WE JUST SAY
A HEADLINE OR SOMETHING RIDICULOUS
AND YOU EITHER SAY
SHADE, WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T LIKE IT, OR NO SHADE WHICH MEANS YOU DO LIKE IT.
IT'S KIND OF CONFUSING LIKE
THE FICTION NON-FICTION THING.
MILEY CYRUS. SHADE OR NO SHADE.
SHADE.
YEAH. PAULA DEAN'S COMEBACK?
SHADE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENT ON THAT?
IT'S ALMOST A RELIEF, BECAUSE DO
YOU THINK SHE REALLY IS AS
UNLIKEABLE AS YOU THOUGHT, AND THEN
THERE WAS ONE MOMENT
WHERE YOU THINK, WAIT MAYBE WE
WERE JUMPING TO JUDGEMENT HERE,
AND THEN YOU THINK, NO.
-YOU'RE RIGHT
-NO, NO, NO, NO...
SHE'S DONE.
BROCOLI. SHADE OR NO SHADE.
NO SHADE.
CHICAGO THE MUSICAL.
NO SHADE.
INTO THE WOODS.
NO SHADE.
AND FINALLY, WHO WOULD YOU WANT
TO GET DRUNK WITH?
UM, WILLIAM FAULKNER.
OH. THAT'S GOOD. HE ALSO ALREADY
DRINKS, SO YOU WOULD--
RIGHT, I WOULD HAVE TO CATCH UP.
YEAH.
(ERIN AND BRYAN): THANK YOU SO MUCH SUSAN.
THANK YOU.

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