or
Well…dare is 2 hours ov my life I cant git back and I aint referrin to dem 4 AA... more »
Published December 18, 2013 870 views More Info »
Hey!
This Loretta Jenkins
with an exclusive movie review
for y'all here on How I Seize It.
Well every now and then
or every goddamn day it seems,
Hollywood gotta do itself one ove
and put out another stinker.
Until now the worse one was
Attack of the Killer 'Maters,
but oh no, it gets worse!
Hell, you know it's time for the Apocalypse
when they start putting' them
Beverly Hills motherfuckers back in the movies.
Ooooh! Killer to maters rhymes with Sharknaders.
Oh my God, that rhymes with Darth Vader!
I might have to write some spoken word
on this at some time.
Do they let white people do that?
(snickers)
Goddamn…I'm high.
I had to be to watch this piece of shit cinema.
So basically, unless you a retard,
you can figure out by the title
what it's like about a tornado
that tosses sharks atcha.
Don't y'all know that sharks is blind?
How they gonna see a person
hurlin' by at 100 MPH?
That don't make no sense!
I mean half the shit in this movie
looks fake as hell.
Peoples just running' around.
They ain't scared of shit
cause they runnin' along
somebody's green screen in they grandma's garage!
That's what we get when we get all digital
and everybody gotta have a camera.
Me? I don't like nothin shot on that green screen shit.
That movie's opening scene's lighting was so bad,
it look like goddamn 50 Shades of Grey.
They fuckin' changed so much
it give me damn brain cramps!
Ain't you take no pride in your work?
I do.
Y'all member when all the Circuit Cities disappeared?
Suddenly the internet's up
and everybody goin' wireless.
Now everybody think he goddamn Steven Segall.
No…Who the Jew one?
I'll member that later.
Steven Segall?
Man, he'd have made a good Sharknado movie.
Not that damn 9-0-14-2-7-3-1-0
Beverly Hill motherfucker-
Like he 19 or somethin'?
Hey Dude! You Old Now!
Start takin' goddamn age-appropriate roles.
I mean really.
How you gonna chunk yourself
into the mouth of a shark
with a chainsaw?
And how you gonna fly
a fuckin' helicopter in a goddamn cyclone?
What sense that make?
They all like-
(singing)
(witchy laughs)
I'm gonna drop a homemade bomb
in that sumbitch and save the world!
You don't think nobody ain't thought of that before,
you dumb ass.
God. Hollywood is so lazy.
What kinda idgit dickfuck sit around
and toke this idea into fruition?
Shit, they probably got that BC Bud.
Man, that shit make you think anything cool.
Aww, that remind me.
I gotta have my guy drop me off some cheesecake.
Naw, I don't mean the fatty snack desert.
That's just code word for my wacky backy.
I mean…my medical marijuana.
And can you believe
they gonna make another one of these?
Hell, I gotta half a mind to team up
with PETA on this shit.
I mean, it's gotta be againsts
some kinda ethical law or somethin'
just tossin' sharks everywhere.
And I know you ain't budgeted
for no shark wrangler.
Hey, maybe you could get some of them
Swamp People to help come assist.
They got experience.
This piece of shit though
is still a hell of a lot better than Twilight.
Did I ever tell y'all about that?

IS TWINKIES BACK YET?
Shut up, Margie!
I ain't forgives you for forcin'
that taco down my throat the other day.
You goddamn Food Rapist!
What was I doin'?
Oh yeah I remembe
trying' to drink the memory of this movie away.
And that's How I Seize It.
(Jaws theme)
Do not do another one of these fuckin' movies!
Ya hear?
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web