Retard Jesus – The Second Coming of the Mentally Challenged Christ

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Hello, brothers and sisters. Put your keys in the bowl by the door, sit back, And let me tell you the tale of Retard Jesus.

Retard Jesus was born of a virgin. His mother hadn’t lost her virginity because she was also retarded, and no man was ever desperate or drunk enough to put his penis inside her fat, retarded body. The Due Date for his birth was Christmas Morning, but there were no manger or wise men…Instead, Retard Jesus was born in a toilet at the Dariy Queen his retard mother hung around, begging passersby for licks of their dipped cones. His retarded mother, knowing nothing about anything, much less the process of birth, went to the bathroom instead of the hospital because she just figured that her vagina needed to take a poo.

Retard Jesus walked the earth for 33 years, performing miracles like simple multiplication and reading at an eighth grade level. When you’re retarded, those are considered miracles. He would also speak the word of God, to the best of his retard ability, but very few hung around to listen to the slurred scripture, for some reason.

But the few who did stay, mostly to laugh and point at Retard Jesus, found solace in his words. And soon, a cult of hipsters and homeless people began to follow and learn from Retard Jesus, because none of them had any jobs. But sadly, there were jealous unbelievers, specifically, the Jews, and they conspired against Retard Jesus, and planned to crucify him. But before they got their chance, retard Jesus accidentally suffocated himself by falling asleep in a plastic drycleaner bag. And his converts were sad, and bored,

But three days later, he rose from the dead. Truly, this was an act of god, and a new, Christian, Golden Age was at hand. But then retard jesus got sleepy and took a nap in that same plastic drycleaner bag that his retarded mother forgot to throw away. And he was gone from our world.

But some nights, as I lay awake, masturbating to valerie burtonellie’s jenny craig ads, I hear the sweet, ghostly sounds of retard Jesus, screaming the lyrics to sissco’s The Thong Song in my backyard. And it reminds me that God is watching over us all. So I lose my erection, because my penis doesn’t like being watched.