How I Seize It #47: SURVIVOR

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
This here's...
Loretta Jenkins and this week's HISI
is gonna coincide with what I'm workin' on right here.
This here be my 17th Survivor application!
I was gonna get on that show and for my special item,
I was gonna bring liquor with so I wouldn't go
all Lord on the Flies on them mother fuckers
but that didn't go too well,
so back to the drawin' board.
Judgin' from what they had on there lately
I might just play me up as a Jesus freak
since that seem to be the hot ticket on there nowaday.
Now I'm gonna ask ya...
I'm as Christian as the next sinner,
but since when did Survivor become church?
I mean, it's all 'Jesus' this
and 'I'm a Christian man' that
and I'm gonna play with honor and tegridy...
whatever the shit that is...
I would fuck me some Coach, though.
He could slay my dragon.
I'm talkin' bout my pussy.
(laughs)
This show is still about
outwish, outlast, outplay, outlaw-
Out- Some other 'out'...
But I'm still lucid enough to know it damn sure
don't say nothin' about Out-Christian,
Jesus Petes!!!
(meow)
I hear a wildcat.
Every Sunday, down at the Sak-N-Sudz
we play Barvivor.
And we see who can outdrink, outbitch and out-Fight Club...
I ain't really supposed to talk about that.
And if I'm lucky enough to rememeber it's Sunday
I get to drink for free!
And that's how I measure a good day, y'all.
And it's also how I subsidize my alcoholism,
in case you was wonderin' and can't-
mind your own business-
(laughs)
Damn that was fuckin' funny even if it was me.
Okay...
Oh, and when they a queer on there
he look like he done been pluck straight off a pride float.
(laughs)
I think it funny-
Here's what I think is funny.
The first reality show of all time supposed to be
about survivin' in the wild-
It supposed to be all manly and shit.
and the first one out the gate?
Some naked faggot won it!
(laughs)
He had a little pecker, I think.
And then.... (burps)
All them.... (burps)
And all them homofobicals out there goin'
"Well good God, Rhoda! Turn that goddamn station!"
"You can't vote not faggot for no Survivor!"
"Good Goddamn!"
I hates rednecks like that.
Get you some regular gays on there, y'all.
Like the kind you got to actually see them doin'
the fag-nasty before you believe
they actually really for real gays.
You know the kinds I'm talkin' about...
Tom Cruise...
That fat guy from King of Queens...
Them kinds.
I wanna see some of them Charlie Manson-
No, it's a girl name...
Marilyn! Marilyn Manson goth freaks out there
campin' out in the woods and some of them
Reading is Fundamental Mormon wives.
That's who I wanna see.
Or Charo...
I call these my Charo titties!
Coochie coochie coochie!!!
I would watch that shit!
That bitch she don't never change.
She look the same
And get you some more one-legged gals on there
Now, that shit was cool.
Ooooh!!! Or do like a Special Olympics version.
Get you some Corkies!
Yeah man, God! Ooooh?
Is that appropriate?
Man, they inspirational.
Now you can't understand a goddamn word they say
but they do touch your heart.
It always tug my heartstring when I see
them Downs kids with them chili-bowl haircuts
runnin' into hurdles...
(laughs)
Don't laugh...
(laughs)
But I like what this Ornamental Edna said
in this last finale. She sum it up good.
You stoop motherfuckers all get on there to
get duped and lied to and backstab and
stretch truths and mislead.
And then you get all mad cause
somebody done it quicker better than you did.
Uh, duh!
Hell, I still fuck the shit outta that Jeff Probe dude.
Man, I don't care if he married or not
cause I don't play by nobody rules but my own.
I mean this is my universe too, goddamnit!
And that's How I Seize It.