The Landlord

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Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are hanging out at Will Ferrell’s house. Adam McKay is reading an issue of Vogue Magazine and Will Ferrell is rummaging in the refrigerator for something to drink.

Adam McKay: So, it says here that Madonna is reinventing herself again. Hey, did you get that letter from the doctor yet?

Will Ferrell: I did.

Adam McKay: What did it say?

Will Ferrell: My dad’s gay.

Adam McKay: I knew it. Those blood tests don’t lie man.

Will Ferrell shakes his head in agreement. There is a knock at the door.

Adam McKay: Who’s that?

The screen goes black and white text reading “the LANDLORD” is displayed. Will Ferrell can be heard speaking.

Will Ferrell: It’s my landlord, Pearl.

The image returns to Adam McKay. There is another knock on the door

Will Ferrell: I’m late on my rent.

Adam McKay: Oh, I’m getting out of here, man. She’s nasty.

Will Ferrell: No, no, no, please, I need you to stay.

Will Ferrell goes to answer the door.

Adam McKay: This is going to be ugly.

Will Ferrell opens the door to reveal a very small girl that is only a few years old. She yells at Will Ferrell.

Pearl McKay: Where’s the rent?

Will Ferrell: You don’t have to raise your voice.

Pearl McKay: You pay now!

Will Ferrell: I can give you half.

Pearl McKay: You pay…now, bitch!

Will Ferrell: Hey, don’t talk to me like that, okay.

Pearl McKay: I’m tired of this crap.

Will Ferrell: Look, I…I thought I was clear in my email, I need a couple weeks.

Pearl McKay: I work too hard…

Will Ferrell: Can I just get two more weeks?

Pearl McKay: I want my money!

Will Ferrell: You need to relax.

Pearl McKay: You’re an asshole.

Will Ferrell: Uh-uh! (Shakes his head in the negative.)

Pearl McKay: I want my money, bitch.

Will Ferrell: Hey don’t call me bitch! I’m a grown man!

Pearl McKay: Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

Will Ferrell: God, you’re mean.

Will Ferrell starts crying and Pearl McKay begins laughing at him.

Will Ferrell: Hey, don’t make fun of me crying.

Pearl McKay: You’ll be evicted.

Will Ferrell: I’m not doing so good, Pearl.

Pearl McKay: I put you on the streets.

Will Ferrell: Pearl, I’m gonna pay you. I’m working three jobs right now. I’m working nights. I’m driving a cab. I’m inside with my buddy right now, just going over my resume.

Pearl McKay: I’m gonna smack you.

Will Ferrell: Okay, you know what? You need to relax.

Pearl McKay: I want my money!!!

Will Ferrell: Look, why do you need your money so fast? Come on.

Pearl McKay: I need to get my drink on.

Will Ferrell: You scare me. You’re an alcoholic.

Pearl McKay: Can I have 4 beers?

Will Ferrell: Seriously, you are an alcoholic.

Pearl McKay falls down on the front step.

Will Ferrell: Yeah you’re drunk. I knew it. You’re already drunk.

Pearl McKay: I’m just buzzed.

Will Ferrell: You know, you’re in…you’re in no condition to deal with this right now.

Pearl McKay starts to walk away and a bottle of beer is in her hand.

Pearl McKay: I’m taking my beer.

Will Ferrell: Just take your beer and get out of here, okay. Yeah, we’ll talk tomorrow. This isn’t over.

Pearl McKay: (Looks back at Will Ferrell) Come, mommy.

Will Ferrell: Jesus.

Will Ferrell closes his door fearfully and the screen cuts to black.