How I Seize It #80: "P.E.T.A."

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Huh?
Hey.
Hey!
Huh?
HEY!
This here Loretta Jenkins-
(burps)
-and if any of y'all watchin' this
How I Seize It, thank God!
It means I ain't dead yet from this
sure fire lead poisoning that's a-comin'.
Since this PETA bitch tossed this
gallon of paint on me while I was
crashin' this red carpet event.
Cause somebody had this great idea
that I should play nice with Lindsay Lohan.
So I photobombed he
You know like I was gonna get in the tabloids.
Flash, Flash!
Cause I'm all famous and shit now!
I think I'm at least a B-level celebrity now.
Or C.
C+ ?
No, I'm a "D," as you can tell.
I mean goddamn,
I'm an internet sensation,
what the fuck are you?
Yeah, that's what I thought
So there!
Anyhoo, this pita pocket sumbich troglodite,
he let loose a deluge-
A flash flood of yellow paint at Lindsay,
and it floopnarded right in my eye.
Scratch my goddamn trachea.
Humans are aminals too,
but I don't reckon it matter
cause I ain't furry, huh?
How about I walk around like this?
Can I get some free healthcare then?
(phone rings)
Huh?
Oh! It's the goddamn hospital.
They say I ain't got no lead poisoning.
But that somehow I have contracted
Hep C from being close to
that goddamn Lindsay!
You the bane of my goddamn persisterance!
I tell you what.
I hate that goddamn Lindsay Lohan,
but I hate them assholes at PETA even more.
Let me break it down for you
sheep-fuckin', one-eyed
horny purple peter eaters out there.
Listen, you might not like it,
but aminals is goddamn food.
And we test on animals cause they ain't human,
but mostly cause they can't sue you
in a court of law.
And why you in a fucktizzy over aminals anyway?
What- Do you fuck 'em?
Do you molest 'em?
I mean they just aminals.
They ain't got no soul or memory to speak of.
Cept my Buffy.
I'd save her from a burnin' building
more than any human livin' thing
and that's the fuck's truth.
For all you fucktards out there tellin' your youngin
that Fido done gone to doggy heaven...
Quit your lyin'!
Doggies ain't got no heaven!
Hell, they ain't even no regular heaven.
But in case they is,
Praise Jesus, Hail Mary
and All That Jazz.

Cheers, Jesus.
Hell all you doin' is ruinin' a perfectly good coat.
It ain't like you can go sew it
back on some skinless critter.
Oh, but my friend Daniel,
he do have a skinless critter,
but damn that dog is ugly.
Well, she kinely cute.
You need to throw paint on Paris Hilton
and Kim Kardasha-types to prove a point?
Do it cause they whores!
GIve them a Ye Ole Scarlet Splashdown
with a Gallon o' Glidden and be done with it.
Amen!
Life's too short to bitch about everything,
unless you're me.
Hey, does y'all know you ain't supposed
to give gorillas no beer?
Forever I will be known as
that bitch that ruined the sixth grade school trip.
That's the God's truth.
Since I ain't one to disappoint
this here is the Top Three Things
that I will do to any of you
fucknugget hippy sumbitches out there
that tries to splash paint on me
for trying to express my Constitutional right
to wear fur!
Goddamnit!
#1
I'll cut off your tallywhacke
and shove it up your momma's cooter,
dead or alive.
Make you a motherfucker.
#2
If you a heifer,
I'm gonna fuck your man,
then I'm gonna cut of HIS tallywhacker,
cause one cunt move
deserve another.
#3
I'm gonna buy somebody's already cut-off tallywhacke
off the black market internets,
get a job at your kid's school
as a lunchlady
and squeeze that into a juice box
so your youngin' can SUCK it!
Well, I reckon that about cover everybody.
So, the moral of my story is,
if don't nobody wanna lose a tallywhacker,
keep your misguided cans of hate paint
away from THIS mobile home goddess.
And that's How I Seize It!