How I Seize It #30: "Hoarders"

Uploader

How I Seize It

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

Hey!
Uhh...
Loretta Jenkins is my game
and How I Seize It is my-
My...my...
Naw, that ain't right.
It's like...
...that's my show,
and my name's...
Damnit.
And anyway,
I ain't got no time to afford for no thinkin',
cause this HISI tonight
has got me rarrin' like crazy, and-
(coughs)
and it also-
(coughs)
-explain' why I'm at Shooter's house tonight
and not in my tool shed.
Y'all, I got this one rente
and she mostly keep to herself,
cause she's like Gilbert Grape's momma.
You have to haul her out of her trailer like with a crane.
How folks let theyself get like that.
I just, mmm...
(burps)
Well anyways,
she was like a half hour late on her rent yesterday.
Well, I ain't like most of them pussy landlords
who'll tape a little note on your door for a late notice.
Hell no!
I got straight for the jugular.
I'll stand outside your window
with my bullhog here and say,
"Gimme my goddamn money...
GIMME MY GODDAMN MONEY!"
Real subtle, you know, like that?
Bitch didn't even answer.
So I just took my keys and I broke in there.
Bitch is just sittin' there...
...dead...
...about three weeks I reckon.
I had to get the hell outta there.
Now lemme ask y'all somethin',
all y'all normal folk out there.
How long have you got to sit
in a pile of piss and shit
before you think to yourself,
'Maybe I oughta get up and go wash.'
Has y'all seen Hoarders?
Now I had to call them,
cause I wasn't about to pay them Mexicans
to come and haul that shit away.
Here's what I don't understand.
Why does folks coddle them sumbitch wingnuts?
It's like,
"Could I scrub your toilet just a little bit?"
And they like freak out goin' like,
"No! I won't be able to remember
what I had for dinner last night!"
I mean fuck!
What-
Whatever happened to the olden days
when you could just like
baby-shake a crazy person,
or lock them up or some shit like that?
But no, these days peoples gots
to have civil rights and all that shit.
(laughs)
That bitch's house was like Willy Wonker's.
It was like kitty litter went in,
but it didn't never go out.
Now, I don't mean to dishonor the dead,
but that bitch owes me $250,
so what the fuck do I care?
Now, I know y'all wanna know
what we found in there
besides her fat, dead corpse...
So I made this here list
to document the occasion.
Umm...
Bitch had 114 boxes of CLUE.
I mean, she didn't never had no visitors,
so I reckon her cats could play board games.
150 or so used tampons,
so that must mean there's some use
for bloody rags that I ain't heard of.
Y'all, we found...THOUSANDS-
I mean THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS...
...of Twinkie wrappers,
cause that was like all that bitch ate.
There wasn't even any other food in the house,
not even for the cats!
And there was like 923 empty cans of Diet Coke,
but y'all I turned that into a positive.
Did y'all know that they give money
for empty cans and glass?
I mean, it's like they gonna pay me
to drink more beer!
And speakin' of,
y'all be sure to click LIKE on my videos,
cause I gets a free beer for everyone
that you click on.
Well click it, you lazy fuck-ass!
Thank you!
Cause that keeps me happy,
and it keeps them voices from comin' upstairs,
and it keeps me from goin' on a murder spree.
So it's up to you drinkin' buddies
to keep me from snappin' and-
Oooh!
I like that show Snapped.
Y'all know them bitches, I think, is just...
...misunderstood.
So if y'all get a hoarder like I had,
be sure you get a security deposit,
and that's How I Seize It.
(sighs)
I likes to hoard liquor.
(laughs)
(coughs)