Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal," literal video version.

Full Credits

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June 08, 2010



At a gin mill with no bounce
Come to tango, do some improv
Norma Desmond had a seizure
Basement Cat thinks this is just his solo
I don't see how you can play pool
when I'm organizing rescue teams
Get an arm band, a fedora
Cut the fake fog with some MagLites

First they check a wet street
Then a door just blows up
and it scares the mole men
They're afraid for the shop
where they fix violas
and wind chimes and cellos
Why did we go on foot?
Laser tag's annoying
in a welding helmet
Boulders shooting missiles
Guess they really should have
installed guard railings!

Slow-mo piroette now
in a warehouse
in my blue socks
where they shot "Roger Rabbit"
in the scene where
they rescued Toon Town
There's a pack of capybaras
and a grease fire
Tilt the camera
Can I hail a freakin taxi?
L.A. traffic
drives me crazy

Hold the elevato
Grinning ninja Pesci
Token helpless maiden
Are we in a mine shaft?
This is how to fail at
a trust exercise
What the hell did she do?
Stepping on her's not cool
Synchronize your lightguns

If I look tough
will you notice
my gun's Fisher Price?

Gap employees are you watching?
You've got nothing on our swing dance
We're coordinated zombies
Even though we goofed the frame rate
And they didn't pipe in
any saxaphonist
It's artistic license
Dancers drinking Red Bull
And it's not impressing
Cyd Charisse and her cat
Here I wear a black band
because I'm conscientious
I'm a draft objecto
Isn't there an ordinance?
City council passed it
against smoking indoors

Now we're at a power plant
with a spotlight
Overwaxed floo
Stepping on a giant pancake
How'd you stop me
if your guns aren't loaded?
I can't find my teleprompte
I'll just stand here
We're not live, right?
Angry Lego stormtroopers
in a Costco
after hours

Surprise! I did a rain dance
Rigged up bottle rockets
in my zoot suit pockets
I look so tough
You don't notice
My gun's Fisher Price!

Rez in your Lightcycle
It can race a Spider California
I move better than your bitrate
Dragnet footage
And we threw in KITT too!
Who invited Kujo
to go jogging
to New Jersey?
All the cops are on the move now
because they moonlight
fixing skylights
Grab your biggest drillbit!
Your Infernus
just clocked five stars
Unexplained explosion
You can kick me
but the song's not ove
Kamikaze hounds are tragic
but they make Joe Pesci giggle
Guess I'm loose but I'm too late
Pesci's fist got in touch with NORAD!

Michael Jackson
The Reluctant Hero
Died heroically in a tragic battle with Evil Joe Pesci
while attempting to recover the nuclear football
and save civilization itself.
August 29, 1958 — June 25, 2009