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Like I need to turn on the TV to lern what fashnable. Well I don’t, I jess need two... more »
Published May 05, 2013 250 views More Info »
Thanks for joinin' us again, DBs,
or 'Drinkin' Buds,'
if you ain't with the hip lingo
like the rest of us are.
In case you one of them ignorant asses...
I am the ever fashionable forward-thinkin'
Loretta Jenkins.
You can come to me for the latest
in celebrity gossips,
drinkin' recipes,
or just your weekly does
of general bitchin'.
Or in this week's case,
my thoughts on fashion.
Shit, I'm just practically a fashion icon
in just under 100 episodes.
Eat that shit, J-Lo!
Back onto Fashion Sense,
here on How I Seize It.
Hell, where my bitch list?
Where's my Bitch List!?!
Let's just get back to my Top Five
Fashion List in a minute.
I gots to share,
which normally I don't do.
I bite my tongue.
Well, lemme 'member...
The other day, I was standin'
in front of the mirror,
doin' my daily "Complementin' Myself' regimen...
I'm good enough,
I'm smart enough,
Everybody want up in my cooter,
My shit don't stink,
I said 'Retta.
It's time for you to branch out
into the world of fashion.
I mean, you plain fabulous
in everything else,
why not start a fashion empire
like that fat ol' Jessica Simpson.
Y'all, what happened to her?
Y'all, let's face it.
I'm over thirty, allegedly...
I ain't gonna be this youthful forever.
Lessen I wanna look like Joan Rivers,
and goddamn, let's face it, who would?
Hey, did y'all know that I invented
that Topsy Tail sumbitch thing?
Yeah, but I blew all my money
on beer and cigarettes.
Success is stressful, y'all...
It's a tale as old as time.
Y'all know what I mean.
But now you can get all the fashion advice you want
from that Purty Channel.
Where every dude who's ever sucked
that Bravo dude's dick
has got they own show?
Where they say it like it is
in they sassy fashion talk?
You dumbass
Bravo-Lifetime-Oxygen-HGTV Queens
need to realize they ain't but one thing
you need to be watchin'
and that thing is me!
What is more watchable than me?
Purtnear nothin' I can figger!
I always root, root root
for the homos in all those fashion shows.
And God's truth!
I love 95.9% of all the cocksuckers out there,
but I will pay somebody a sawbuck
to fist that Isaac Mazaratti
with a chain mail glove
and shut that falsetto hole up once and for all.
I can't stand that little bitch!
Somebody need to get that Tim Gunn laid, though.
That's ritely said he ain't had him no sex.
Although, who would wanna picture him
with his legs up in the air?
Eww, not me...
In case you had not noticed,
I have created about three
or four hundred different looks
with just this exquisite tablecloth
from my former Latino neighbors.
Put me on that show.
Ain't you seen my HISIs?
I can make an outfit out of goddamn anything!
Hey, somebody apply to be on Craft Wars with me!
Hey, before I get too drunk to rememeber,
let's go through my Top Five Most Tarded Fashion Trends Lately.
Number One.
Sounds retarded.
Looks retarded.
Is retarded.
Who needs pants so tight you can spot
a NonJew at twenty paces?
Leggings is for skinny women,
and nobody else,
Number Two.
Trendy Tops.
Then is fuckin' Spanx, y'all.
If you have trouble holdin' in your muffin top,
than put down the GODDAMN muffin!
Number Three.
Whatever that cleavage-cover dickey thing called...
Listen, God gived you titties for showin' off!
What you think they there for?
To feed an ungrateful leech
that suck your milk and money dry
and leave you in an old folks' home?
Uh, no thank you very much!
Number Four.
Parachute pants.
Looked like a shit-filled diaper on MC Hammer,
looks like a shit-filled diaper on Gwen Stefani.
Move on!
And the Number Five
worst fashion faux paus ever was...
Fuckin' Jocelyn Wilderstein!
Look at this crazy cunt catlady!
I mean goddamn lady.
What are you thinkin'?
You think that attractive?
Well she wasn't all that pretty to begin with.
It's kinda like makin' a Machiavelli statue
out of a pile of dog shit.
And that's How I Seize It.