Law, y'all sumbitches
ain't even gonna believe
the kinda jinx moment I had the other day.
This here's Loretta Jenkins
and I'm fixin' to shove a How I Seize It
up your ass so far you ain't
gonna be able to walk for days.
And for the week after,
you gonna be walkin 'round
like a bow-legged hooker.
Whooo, Tank come and
fucked me good last night.
But I got stuck in this half-doggystyle,
and I couldn't move!
But he had to leave for his shift at Walmart,
and he give me some muscle relaxers.
And while I was waitin'
for them to kick in,
I got transfixed by this documentary on the news.
It was about how Walmart
had done come up and raped the economy-
With like every ecolomical business
transmitable disease they ever was
all rolled into one!
And infected us!
And now the entire concept of capitalism
is just a dyin' cactus flowe
in a desert of Chinese debt,
droppin' small business petals
out to just wivver and die...
Y'all notice how documentaral music
like get you all hypnotize...
Like you ain't in control of your emotions
and the music just kinely tell you how to feel?
That gives me the heebie-jeebies,
like somebody Malcovichin' up in my head.
I don't like that!
See this Walmart hypnosis started back
with what was left over from the 80s Commercialism
mixed up with the 90s Overbuyin'...
Cause Clinton had the economy movin' along
just fine 'til Bush II come in
and fuck it all up!
'Cept for NAFTA.
Let's kill NAFTA.
That bitch gotta die.
Vote for Hillary!
Let's get Bill back!
How you explain this coinkidink?
Every community that put up a Walmart
now got a ghosttown for a downtown.
So where'd all the businesses go?
Walmart kilt they ass!
Put them in that big ol' blue bubble of
everything you can get in one store
roll up in one...
And that make everybody else
have to raise they prices,
and so they die.
Fuck, I looked the Chamber of Commerce
address up the other day,
so I could go renew my Renter's Licenses,
and where was it?
In between the dental hygenist and the jewelry store
in the goddamn Apple Springs Walmark!
You people worried about the space aliens
and the Mexican kinds,
you ought to be worried about these
Ultra White One Percenters!
The onliest good thing ever come out of Walmart is umm...
They was this big ol' fat heifer black momma
and she was beatin' the fuckin' hell
outta her youngins in between-
In between these two garment racks...
And y'all know I hate youngins,
but I hate abuse even more.
I knock her the FUCK out!
And I pulled out her gold tooth
to hock down at the pawn shop,
and I drop off her youngin' at the social services.
I help the law and small business
cause I am a concerned citizen.
Also, I just like excuses to skull-punch a bitch.
I didn't even get arrested for that.
I'm surprised that Walmart's signature colo
is blue and not red,
because it's basically a China company
runned by American sellouts!
China don't loyalty to us!
Be Aware of Big Red!
Chiner is comin' through the Walmart system!
They gonna jeck our land
just like we did from the Injuns!
Y'all all bitchin', bitchin', bitchin'
about Black Friday.
Oh, Black Friday so bad...
And like y'all patronizing Walmart
and who the fuck you think invented Black Friday?
It wasn't the Injuns!
It was The Waltons!
Night, John Boy!
There went your job,
over to China!
Night, Mary Ellen!
You don't sew for two cents an hour.
Shoot, y'all talk about Mexicums
come here takin' our jobs...
Fuck, the Mexicums come here
and they can't get no jobs
cause they already done ship off to China!
They treat their employees
like they denture servants.
Once they was all smilin' and happy,
greet you at the door...
Here's you a buggy!
Have a Nice Day!
Now they all like,
just soulless zombies,
just walkin' around a shell of a person
just wantin'- waitin' on a smoke break.
I want coffee.....
History lesson, y'all.
Unions is made for like keepin' employees safe,
so we got somebody lookin' out for us
like that Norma Rae...
Power to the peoples!
Just like, hold up your union signs...
They here to make sure shit gets done right
and we don't backslide into fuckin' slavery.
You dumbass shits votin' to strip union rights away?
Big Brother Sam Walton Koch Sucker Brothers
ain't gonna be lookin' out for you!
Stop drinkin' that Ass-Flavored Kool Aid!
Hey, Kool Aid!
I'm serious, y'all...
Walmarts took our towns away!
They move in,
communities die and the values
of homes go down, cause let's face it...
The reality of the situation is Walmart?
Is for fuckin' ghetto folk.
Don't shop there lessen you trashy!
I'll admit to havin' to stop in there
every now and then
when I need a beer at 4am
or else I run out of susseptable toilet paper substitutes
and can afford the real thing,
but I always feel whites trash when I do it.
Turn on the news
and all you hear about is Hurricane Katrine
Superstorm Sanny Claus,
and you know who's the real culprit
of all this destruction is?
Fuckin' Hurricane Walmart!
That there leave a path of destruction
unlike any we ever seen before.
Open your eyes, you blind mothafuckas!
Let the light in!
Walmart is Evil,
Walmart is the Devil!
Sam Wall is Satan Incarnate
and he probably ain't even dead
cause I reckon Satan be immortal like God,
you know, if you wanna be fair about it.
Anyways, what I'm sayin' is
Don't Shop There No More!
You Killin' Us!
One of these days,
I ain't gonna be here to save the world.
So, if you from the future
and we already dead and gone
from whatever disastrophe happened...
And this is all that's left of the world
from the planet your discovered
when you crashed in
from whatever planet is was...
That you come from?
Tell 'em it was all goddamn Walmart's fault!
And that's How I Seize It!
Stay back you Walmart fuckers!