March 05, 2010
Got milk? Now I love milk, drink it like water. I just don't get how drinking cow's milk got started. I mean how did we go from suckin' on mama's titties to suckin' on cow titties? Did a couple of neanderthal's stumble across a cow and start molesting her or what? Ooh. You like that don't ya? Oh shit Hey get a bucket. Ahh just like mama used to make. Hey what do we have back here? Whow, tit's ain't the only thing she's got.
Any baseball fans here tonite? Yeah you like baseball, yeah? Baseball is a lot of fun. In little league we had this third base coach who was always pulling out a wedgie you know? I just thought it was another one of his signs to get the kids to get their heads in the game. Alright Little Jimmy, I want you to steal to 2nd base, 3rd base if you think you can make it and get you head out of your ass!
So the other day I was replacing some batteries in my uh well uh flashlight and uh for some reason I started to read the little warnings on the back of the battery package and you know it had the usual, like don't place near a heat source, don't put them in backwards, but the last one struck me as rather odd. It said do not place in orifices. Orifices? I thought well isn't that like the mouth. What idiot would put a battery in their mouth. Nah, can't be. Then I though nostrils? nah, or ear canals? No, well what else... ohhhh. D size? Somebody needs a hobby where batteries aren't included. Hey I've been around the Internet, I've seen the X-rays. Where do you think that bunny rabbit keeps his batteries? So how does that work exactly? do ya start out with the skinny little Triple AAA size first and then work your way up to the Double AAs and then graduate to the Cs and then get your masters with the D size? Whew your a better man than I am Stan. Whadda ya gotta do to get your doctorate?
This is a public service announcement for the guys. Please don't attempt to engage me in conversation while I'm at the urinal. I'm trying to concentrate here. And besides I don't even want to be thinking about a guy much less talk to one while I have tactile contact with myself. Not that I'm homophobic or anything. Some of my best friends are gay. You know who you are. Come out of the closet if you must but shut up while I'm peein'. And no whistling. It bounces off the tiles and is rather unsettling.
...and another thing, why if there are five open urinals and I'm all the way on one end do you find it necessary to come pee next to me? Allow for some elbow room my friend. Now I know you've heard the rumors and you want to find out for yourself. But trust me they're true. Now take it to the outside lane, Peewee!
Did you see that the ladies are getting their names tattooed on their lower backs these days. Have you seen this? Amber. What's that about? Is that like a vanity license plate? Although I kind of like the idea. You see I have terrible short term memory for obvious reasons. But it could came in handy. Oh oh oh um um Oh Amber!
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