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No wun likes a goods sale more than me, but goddamn, if someone push me during a sale... more »
Published December 18, 2013 80 views More Info »
Whoo, I must have had a wild Thanksgiving
cause the last thing I remember was…
How many days ago was that?
Carry the fou
and two four…
ninety four nine days?
What the fuck was that?
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and it's Black Friday How I Seize It!
(text message alert)
Awww fuck man!
I don't wanna do that!
Why I gotta be so goddamn nice?
I promised Candy I'd go sit in line for he
for some Baby Shits-A-Lot
for her great-grandbaby what's due next month.
Well, I kinda owed her.
She gettin' 8 to 10 in the federal pen
for when i accidentally outed he
with her methlab.
Shhhh….I'm "Deepthroat."
Oh yeah, Black Friday.
Why it gotta be called black, huh?
Racist fuckin' American politics.
Oh I spit on my doll Loretta.
(hocks, spits)
That's what I think of you!
Y'all know what?
Y'all make me sick!
If this is supposed to be a day
about sales and specials and shit,
why don't you call it Green Monday-
Well fuck, you can't do that,
cause then you piss all the
leprechaun gingers off.
And you can't call it Red Monday
cause Injuns is perteckted.
Fuckin' 'spiracy.
Now seriously, before I get on over to
the WallyWorld parking lot,
lemme square somethin' away.
Guess who invented this evil concept
of Black Friday anyway?
Well I'll give you three guesses
and the first two don't count-
It's goddamn WALMART!
Why they gotta have they greedy
capitalist paws up in everything.
Up my ass!
Up my- Oooh!
I could just- Oooh!
I need a new one on that one!
This Sale Day just another way
for Walmart to manipulate the minds
and pocketbooks and cookie jars
of most of the stoop American citizens
and I ain't one them!
What it gonna take for us
to get rid of this evil?
Human sacrifice?
I'm on it!
I think all this celebration' on Black Friday
and hubbub and whatnot
is disrespectful to those
what had to live through The Great Depression.
How'd you like to be one of them, Walmarks?
Depression ain't no joke, y'all.
You just sad all the time…
…cause you ain't got no money.
And you get a little scratch,
but it's just enough to numb the pain
and distract you from the monotony of daily life
that make you just wanna end it all…
I think I'm gonna go spend some money.
That'll take care of both depressions!
(laughs, coughs)
I'm sure Black Friday was invented
with some good intentions
to jeck some life into the economy,
but goddamn enough's enough!
Folks ain't supposed to stand in line for nothin',
'kept Skynyrd tickets or they disability checks.
This one asshole I dated,
I just stayed with him
cause I was in love with his family.
I'm sure we all been guilty of that one
once or twice before,
especially if your real family
is emotional, dysfunctional
piece of shit voids of space!
Fuck you, Momma!
Anyway, I camp out all night
for Britney Spears tickets-
Don't you tell a goddamn soul!
I was out there in forty degree weather,
snow up to here with the flu
for his damn little sister.
Boy did she love Britney,
'fore she runned outta talent.
You know, like Beyonce is now.
And then this junkie, semi-fuckbud friend of ours,
he drunk all my good codeine cough medicine-
No wait,
I think that's an episode of the Gilmore Girls.
Fuck, I need a nap.
Look, if you one of these crazy
Black Friday enthusiasts…
I ain't gonna have none of your shit today!
You come within a three food radius of me
and I will jujitsu your head clear off its shoulder blades
with a knife THIS big, cono. OK?
You got me man?
Goddamn, you think someone like me
is just gonna let someone roll up on them?
I'll fuck you all to hell.
I ain't scart!
I will pick up a youngin' with cripple sticks
and chunk it at you.
Look at this muscle tone!
I been workin' out you heifers!
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
I can smell Turkey Day leftovers.
(vomits, spits)
Damn, I feel better now.
Shut your goddamn windows you pig eaters!
Didn't you get your goddamn craw full yesterday?
Big fat tub-o-lard asses!
Shit…where was I?
Oh yeah, people gettin' trampled to death
just so some snot-nosed dips hit
can get 20% off a Nintendo Wii.
I hope them witchcraft wizard wands
gives your young ins the lupus!
The only reason to trample people to death
is if they listen to Kanye West.
Goddamn, I hate that sumbitch.
Hey man, I heard about this one bitch,
she shove some Black Friday employee down at Walmart
and when she was fallen' down
she grabbed ahold of that woman what pushed he
and since they got a policy
that you ain't supposed to touch no customer?
That bitch got herself fired.
That ain't right!
Somebody need to get the S.P.A.S. on that shit pronto!
Naw wait, hold up-
I already don't no longer give a flying fuck!
And that's How I Seize It!

Somebody vomit in here?
I smell puke.

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