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Y'all knows ain't got a prejice bone in my bodee, cept that time I was hired to git... more »
Published April 21, 2012 380 views More Info »
LORETTA: Hey!
Thanks for welcomin' me
into your hearts and homes, drankin' buddies.
This here is Loretta Jenkins.
I got some excitin' news that's gonna explain
why this sour-puss mystery bitch
be sittin' next to me.
This is my first ever 'court-ordered'
How I Seize It.
And-
What?
No, I ain't askin' her that.
CHANTAL: Who the fuck you talkin' to?
LORETTA: Whatevs.
I can't even remember this bitch's name
cause it got somethin' like twelve syllables in it,
but anyways to make a long story shorten,
we either gotta be handcuffed together for two weeks
or until we have some kind of
Can't-We-All-Just-Get-Along moment,
cause of this bar fight misunderstanding.
CHANTAL: Ain't no goddamn misunderstanding!
(Chantal barks.)
LORETTA: Hush up!
You to be seen and not heard.
Y'all knows how like judges gets all creative
with their sentences like-
Somebody molest a dog and so they make them go
run a pettin' zoo for community service.
CHANTAL: Bitch, you spit on me!
LORETTA: I thought your hair was on fire.
CHANTAL: You can't be spittin' on black folks no more.
It's in the bible now.
LORETTA: I got PTSD!
CHANTAL: So?
(dog whining)
CHANTAL: What's that?
LORETTA: That's my dog.
(dog whining)
CHANTAL: Shoot it.
(laughs)
LORETTA: You black bitch-
CHANTAL: Shut up!
LORETTA: Well maybe you don't up and down
your lazy eyes on my FBW's crotch again, caprice?
CHANTAL: My name is not Caprice.
It is Chantalasmoniqui.
You need to recognize.
(Chantal barks.)
LORETTA: Are you aware you bark sometimes?
CHANTAL: What?
LORETTA: Woof!
CHANTAL: Chan-tal-as-mo-niqui Jones!
You deaf?
LORETTA: Damn, your name would fetch
a good Scrabble score.
CHANTAL: I ain't recognizin' you.
LORETTA: Teach me that black girl
evil-eye voodoo stare.
I might need that next time
I'm in the slammer.
You know, it's kinda like
half 'stank face' and half pirate 'Arghhh.'
Hey, how come black folks don't
never be pirates?
Is it cause y'all hates swimmins?
CHANTAL: Is people watchin' us?
LORETTA: Yeah.
Hey, was Blackbeard black?
CHANTAL: Can they see me?
Am I in 3D?
LORETTA: Pay attention, Chalilly.
Goddamn! It's just my drankin' buddies
and some of my fans across the globe,
but they ain't watchin' you.
Goddamnit, now I done forgot my topic.
CHANTAL: I'm gonna be the next OPRAH!!!
Except, I'm gonna sing and do dances, you know,
and wear fancy things. I like-
(She barks.)
LORETTA: Uh...At the risk of soundin'
all back-of-the-bus on you-
Cause generally I like blacks,
I just hate you...
-why don't you shut your uppet twat
and let me get on with MY show-
Not your show-
Not yours-
Mine.
MY show.
CHANTAL: Fine then.
As soon as I get unlatched off you,
I'm gonna start my own show
cause yours looks stupid.
People rather watch me anyways.
I'm full of undiscovered talents.
LORETTA: NO, you full of shit is what you is-
Oooh! That's what we was discussin'!
Viewers, now that we got Challilloquy here,
we gonna revisit a hot topic:
Affirmative Action.
(Chantal burps and laughs.)
LORETTA: I don't appreciate you
belchin' on my show.
(Chantal laughs.)
LORETTA: I'm gonna knock you out!
Shit, I'm takin this.
CHANTAL: Sit it down.
Now!
LORETTA: Get it...
(music)
LORETTA: Well, homegirl here likely to be a pro
since she so dark.
Naturally, I'll be a con.
So go on, whatever your name is.
Tell my viewers out there
what a burden on society you are.
CHANTAL: I ain't no goddamn burden!
(Loretta snickers.)
LORETTA: Now some people think now
that we got a black president
that we ought not to have
a black hirin' quota anymore.
CHANTAL: Long as the law got quota
for arrestin' us blacks,
it seems only fair to keep
affirmative actions in place.
LORETTA: Oh goddamn.
Here we go again.
I been watchin' some of them old shows
on that 'All In The Family,'
and old Archie, he had a point there
about the blacks and the browns-
You know, the 'less fortunate...'
CHANTAL: I ain't less fortunate!
I am a social worker.
LORETTA: Damn!
You your own social worker?
CHANTAL: I am not a social worker.
LORETTA: Well I'm gonna have to take
my hat off to you Chanquilomaniqui
cause that is inspirational.
Well I reckon you won't be needin this no more then.
CHANTAL: Not every black person
has a social worker.
You have got to be the most
ignorant, dumb ass, white bitch
I ain't never met.
Do you even know any-
LORETTA: Yes I know some blacks!
It ain't just whites been down the
downstairs of my pleasure palace.
CHANTAL: Oh Goddamn, somebody
need to pray for you.
LORETTA: Stop yellin' at me!
Oh, I just love how you all ghetto one minute
and then all high and mighty Jesus the next.
It just so happen that I got
an affirmative action policy on my pussy,
cause I make sure that some of y'all stallions
gallop around in my lily white stables
on a regular basis!
(Loretta mumbles.)
So what do you think of that,
Chocolate Jones and your Temple of Funk?
I probably been some of y'alls
baby momma for a day or two
at least until my Day After pill kick in.
(music)
LORETTA: I don't think we're gonna have
our 'get along' moment this week, y'all.
(Chantal laughs.)
Well, I guess before we does our departure,
I need to congratulate Miss Chandalapocahontas here,
cause she be the first non-white
we have on the HISI except for Snooki.
CHANTAL: She's Italian.
LORETTA: Yeah well, I looked at a map
and it's real close to Africa.
I done my research.
But, let's have some affirmative action
here at work, y'all,
and so I can prove I am equal opportunity.
I'm gonna let Chaquilla The Hun here
audition to be my cohost.
Here girl.
Read this happy black slogan.
CHANTAL: How I Seize It
is forever officially integrated!
Wait, that's from a movie.
LORETTA: I think we gived you too many lines here.
Well on account of some copyright infringement,
I don't think you'd make a very good cohost.
I think you fired.
Take two!
Okay...
How I Seize It:
Now 50% Whiter!
That's How I Seize It.
Here. I got you this wonderful partin' gift.
CHANTAL: Really?
Hey, I asked for waffles!
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