Chris Martin: "I'm having a past-life crisis."

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Everything takes time. As Bernie Madoff would say, Rome wasn’t bilked in a day. Bernie has developed a coping mechanism. He likes to think of his 150-year prison term as a really, really, really extended "staycation." Tom DeLay will join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars.” Bernie will star in a new reality tv show, “Bending over in the Shower.”

 

ABC’s “Shark Tank” will be followed by “Skank Tank,” which will be about surviving a night in the drunk tank with Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc.

 

Paula Abdul’s job prospects are looking up. She’s applied for a job as a judge on the “death panels.” Japanese hip hop artists are disappointed. They thought the “Cash for Clunkers” program was a “Cash for Crunkers” program. The latest catch phrase in rap is "No homo." Here's a catch phrase I'd like to see popularized in rock: "No Bono!" Kiss will sell CDs through Wal-mart. It includes a remix, "I wanna rock 'n' roll all nite (and stock shelves every day)."  Bob Dylan may provide the voice for an in-car navigation system. No word on whether the directions will include “everybody must get stoned.”

 

Disney bought Marvel Comics and announced the formation of the Princess League of America and the X-Princesses to fight crime and rogue mutants.

 

After enlisting in the public health campaign against swine flu, Elmo pledges that he will only have safe sex with Miss Piggy from now on.

 

The CIA contracted with Blackwater, a mercenary company, to kill Al Qaeda leaders. Call me old school but I liked it better when the CIA used the Mafia to try to kill furriners. New revelations of CIA torture include threats against family members, mock executions and repeated screenings of “Bruno.”

 

Sarah Palin will visit China later this month. It was either that or buy a really big telescope for her porch. Barack Obama vacationed on Martha’s Vineyard. In other news, Lyndon Larouche announced he’ll be visiting earth for a week. I’m confused.

 

That’s my time. My name is Chris B. Martin. Thank you very much.