Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
Man who knowed my loud mouf was gone being me such trubble. Govermints always got... more »
Published May 02, 2014 61 views More Info »
Hey!
Welcome on back to
How I Seize It,
where I'm closin' out the yea
by givin' back.
And what better way to give back
than to go through some of my fan mail
where y'all do what you do best.
Praise moi!
Let's see what we got here.
Dear Lo:
I hate you.
You're stoop and your show
is half retarded.
You sound like one of them
whack job conspiracy theorists
They should jeck this off the ai
or have someone assassinate you.
HEY!
You tryin' to threaten me?
I will turn your ass in!
Who is this?
Sincerely…
Momma.
Bitch!
You dead to me!
Ain't I make that clear?
I know you watchin'!
Jealous?
Somebody should've aborted your ass.
That's what I wish on you.
Pssssh…
So…let's see what we got here!
What the fuck was that?
Heh!
You tryin' to kill me now?
Do your worse!
Like that bitch could afford arsenic.
She can't even afford Coors
so who's the loser now?
Huh?
It's probably just flour and-
(burps)
(weird noises)
And I wear my conspiracy theorist title
with pride!
At least I'm engaged
with the human experience,
and not uninformed sheep
like y'all are!
Hey y'all-
(coughs)
I need a cough drop
or Kleenex or somethin'.
I know that was gross,
but you know what's even grosser?
If you swallow that shit.
Any of you mucopheliacs out there
wanna buy that off Ebay?
$10, naw-
$20.
Hey y'all heard this shit
This cray-cray preacher be spoutin'?
He said that movie Frozen
turned kids gay.
Naw you dumbass.
The fact that they gay
is turnin' them gay!
I seen it twice and I didn't
see nothin' in there that was gay
except that dude from Glee.
That was the only queer thing in it.
Wait!
I mean, I read the synopsis-
By accident.
Pffft!
I didn't go to no youngin' movie, y'all!
Get some damn sense.
Be serious!
(uncomfortable laughs)
Alright, I seen it,
but I only watched it
cause I thought that movie
was a biological documentary
on that Walt Disney feller.
Ain't he still on ice somewheres?
They probably got him in a meat locke
stuffed in there next to
Elvis and John Lennon
and the black Michael Jackson.
Hey, y'all seen this Zeigeist documeneral?
Where that 9/11 was faked?
And how all the religions is the same
and they all have a different Jesus
and they gonna take Mexico
and Canada and us
and make one big supercountry?
Man, I don't wanna take a side on 9/11
but that shit'll make your head spin.
What was that?
What's weirder is when it was re-released
that stuff with the merge
was just mysteriously disappeared,
like it never existed.
It will make you think.
I do agree with them
sayin' the federal income tax is illegal though.
If it ain't in the Constitution,
I consider that shit optional.
So stop your threatenin' letters
you IRS gestapos!
Jesus said y'all is bad people
so talk to my hand.
See?
It's empty!
One conspiracy that is real?
Is how them Koch Brothers
is usin' they money
and funnelin' it around.
Just gettin Republicans
elected in all facets of ou
political spectrum.
Just to keep the
Richie Riches richer!
Like they need that.
That is why we need Hillary.
So we can have a Supreme Court majority!
And overturn Citizens United.
Wait a second.
Where'd it go?
This ain't my momma handwritin'!
Awww shit!
Somebody after me!
Time to go back on the lamb!
Anytime that anybody in this country
get too liberal
or more too closer to Camelot,
the other side gotta
ostricate their assassination!
Well come get me Fuckers!
And I will go out knowin'
I done my duty!
I said doodie.
Naw, y'all know I don't do that.
And if anybody says I do,
don't believe them
cause it's another conspiracy theory.
Has it done been 50 years
since JFK done died?
I heard we's supposed to find out
what really happened
once everybody involved was dead.
Shit, it must be some wild shit
if it's got that kind of
press release contingency plan.
It's probably got what happened
to Marilyn in it too.
We need to open that shit up.
Inquirin' minds you know what they say.
My favorite conspiracy theory to debunk
is when all them sumbitches out there
say we never landed on the moon.
(burps)
Now I hate to age myself,
but does y'all remembe
how shitty them special effects
was back then?
You could see strings hangin' everywhere!
Ain't nobody had no technological
intelligence to stage that shit!
Learn your history dumbfucks!
And say what you want to
about Obama man,
but at least he let us know
that Area 51 wasn't such a thing
as we thought!
Unless they moved all that
alien shit somewheres else.
Area 52?
How come there's 51 areas
but there ain't but 50 states?
That's another conspiracy of itself.
So they's conspiracy theories
that ain't never gonna get explained.
LIke why Asian gals such shitty drivers
or who's after me now-
(aircraft landing)
(weird beeping noises)
AAAAAH!
Oh my God!
There's any number of groups
that could be after me.
Every government agency.
Every over-exposed celebrity I talk about.
All them Mormon-Scientologicals.
So in case this has to stand
as my living will?
Just make sure that if these my last words-
That everybody knew
How I Seize It!
Oooh!
(alien noises)
Does y'all see them lights?
They's real!
They's real and they come
to snatch me up!
Help!
HEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More