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Don’t yall hate it when yew call up a cussmer surviss an gits somebody wiff a hinju... more »
Published January 26, 2012 100 views More Info »
Hey!
It's Loretta Jenkins back here again
to give y'all another no nonsense How I Seize It.
And it's gonna be a doosey.
This here is important public service announcement,
and I want y'all to tell all y'alls friends and drankin' buddies
and family, unless you ain't got none.
Or they all dead, you know...
Anyways, lemme find my cheat sheet here,
cause this is an important announcement.
Don't be callin' me up on my phone
unless I knowed who you are,
or you lookin' to- (burp) -hook up,
or you from the Publisher's Clearinghouse
and you too scared to come up in my trailer park
in which case I'll meet you down the block
at the Walgreen as soon as I finish
this here beer and rub one out.
I gots my priorities, y'all.
And listen, I'm gonna try to stay
on topics here, but y'all..
It is hard to deal with these folks callin' you up
and yellin' and hollerin' at you,
cause you late on your bill
cause them mother fuckers
that's broke livin' in my trailer park
ain't payin' their rent on time!!!
(cries)
I'm gonna evict every one of them!
Course then I'd be lonesome,
I wouldn't have nobody to bitch at.
My life wouldn't have no meaning.
I can't win for losin'.
I....I'm lonely.
But hey!
Nobody bothered to tell me there's this list
you supposed to get on if you don't want to
be bothered by bill collectors no more!
I mean, like half the time the fuckin' phone ring...
People says I owes them some money,
or they gonna cut off my cable
or they collectin' money for some stoop crippled charity.
I'm the one that need a charity!
(laughs)
The "Loretta-Jenkins-Keep-Me-Drunk-Foundation!"
(laughs)
And who else call me?
Oh, them peoples thats want me to join they club,
or whatever them telemarketers telemarket
at they telemarketing places.
Did you say something?
What you-
What you want?
(screams)
Ahhh!
Telemart just sound like some 711 that just sells phone.
Hey, y'all notice how some of them 711s and 911s
both gots elevens in them?
And then at 11:11 you supposed to make a wish?
That kinda reminds you of conspiracies...
11...11...11...11...11...11...11
And you know who runs most of them 711s?
Not that I racial profile.
And speakin' of Muslimericans,
they needs to be a law against these
call center jobs bein' flippin' overseas.
Cause they don't understand us,
we don't understand them-
They suicide bombin'
cause of some damn old Mohammed cartoon-
Or South Park-
Or cause we eat hamburgers or some dumb shit.
What do y'all got to be so mad at about?
I mean shit!
I don't know, maybe they got little peckers.
(laughs)
The other day one of them sumbitches call me-
Well technically, I call him...
Anyways, y'all knows what I'm gettin' at.
Well, it went somethin' like this...
(computer noise)
No you will NOT hang up on me!
Your Norton Security has fucked my shit up!
No it's you that need to listen to me,
you little Norton nerd computer fucker!
You there?
You ain't no doctor,
but you need to get some goddamn bedside manner.
I will hunt you down, Mohammed
because I have got your security ID numbe
and I will find you, sir!
And maybe I go cut up your grandma,
how bout that?
Yeah I recorded it all!
I'm an internet sensation!
What the fuck are you?
Oh now, don't cry Sanjay...
I ain't cussin' at you...
I am cussin' at your Norton shit
which has fucked my system up!
You will just have to look passed my language
It's just a part of me,
that's just how I talk.
Okay. Now we can do this...
Just me and you, Moohammy.
We can do this.
Let's go.
What the fuck is a gigahertz?
Use English, Ass-Monkey!
(bottle crash)
Goddamn!
You see what he made me do?
Hello?
I think he hung up.
And that is How I Seize It!
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