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A man kissed another man on ESPN and the world didn't turn inside out and envelope... more »
Published May 13, 2014 48k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

1

(ERIN): THIS IS

2

(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.

3

(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

4

(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

5

(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,

6

(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,

7

(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.

8

(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

9

(ERIN): WELCOME TO JAMAICA.
(BRYAN): I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TOO...

10

OH, THAT'S NICE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO THIS OR--

11

-IT'S HOT.
-OH, YEAH.

12

--I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO THIS ,

13

OR WHETHER TO DO THIS.

14

OH.

15

I FEEL LIKE THIS.

16

NO.

17

YOU DON'T THINK THIS IS TOO SEXY?

18

NO.

19

I DON'T WANT TO BE SEXY WITH
ANYONE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE

20

IT'S SO HOT, AND I'M NOT IN LIKE
A BODY HEAT, SEXY KIND OF WAY,

21

IT'S LIKE HOT LIKE UMM...

22

LIKE CASSEROLE?

23

HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I'M A CHEESE...

24

-I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A CASSEROLE.
-YEAH.

25

I FEEL LIKE I'M LAYING MY
SWEATY BODY DOWN NEXT TO

26

SOME BROCCOLI, AND I'M
A PURE VELVEETA.

27

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE DOING?
TALKING ABOUT HOT FOOD WHEN

28

I'M LITERALLY SWEATY...

29

WHY ARE WE PUTTING OURSELVES
THROUGH IT? YOU KNOW WHAT

30

WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT.
SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED THIS

31

WEEKEND. THE CRAZIEST
THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN A WHILE,

32

AND THE LESSON WAS
ALWAYS TAKE THE STAIRS. I'M OF

33

COURSE TALKING ABOUT
SOLANGE AND JAY Z.

34

OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU FELL

35

DOWN THE STAIRS...

36

NO, BUT I DID FALL DOWN THE
STAIRS THIS WEEKEND.

37

OH, MY GOD. YOU FELL DOWN
THE STAIRS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

38

WITH SO MUCH LUGGAGE, AND...

39

I WAS CARRYING TWO HUMUNGOUS BAGS.

40

YOUR SKULL HIT THAT METAL
STAIRCASE LIKE NOTHING

41

I'VE EVER HEARD BEFORE.

42

WELL, ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY FEET
SLIPPED OUT FROM UNDER

43

MY LEG, AND I WAS LIKE...

44

AND YOU GO, "ARE YOU OK?"

45

AND I'M LIKE (LAUGHING), "I'M FINE."
WHEN I CLEARLY WAS NOT.

46

YOU WERE NOT FINE.

47

YOU KNOW WHAT DRIVES ME
CRAZY ABOUT WHEN YOU SLIP, AND

48

BELIEVE ME...

49

WELL I SLIP ALL THE TIME.

50

NOTHING IS FUNNIER TO ME
THAN WHEN SOMEONE SLIPS.

51

I WOULDN'T MIND IF PEOPLE
HAD LIKE LAUGHED. THIS IS WHAT I DON'T

52

UNDERSTAND, IS WHEN THERE'S
A TON OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU, AND

53

EVERY SINGLE ONE GOES LIKE THIS...

54

55

WELL THE PROBLEM...

56

NOTHING.

57

THEY'RE WAITING...

58

THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING.
THEY DON'T SAY, "ARE YOU OK?"

59

THEY DON'T LAUGH.

60

THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO
MAKE A NOISE. EITHER CRYING

61

OR LAUGHING.

62

NO.

63

IT'S REALLY YOUR FAULT.

64

EVEN WHEN I SEE CHILDREN
ON SLIP'N SLIDES, WHEN I SEE

65

THEM GO, I RUN OVER AND
SCREAM, "ARE YOU OK?"

66

YEAH.

67

BECAUSE I'M SO CONCERNED
WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE SLIP.

68

WELL BECAUSE ALSO...

69

WHENEVER I THROW MY BANANA
PEELS ON THE STREET, THEN I

70

DO MY STAKEOUT, I'M CONSTANTLY
WAITING FOR PEOPLE

71

TO SLIP. THE MINUTE THEY DO
I FEEL BADLY ABOUT IT.

72

THIS IS ALL I'M SAYING--

73

YEAH.

74

THOSE STAIRS WERE SOLANGE.
I WAS JAY Z, AND ALL THOSE

75

GAWKERS WERE BEYONCÉ.
NOBODY DID A THING.

76

WELL HERE'S THE RUM-RUM
OF THE RUMOR MILL.

77

YEAH.

78

THAT SOLANGE WAS ANGRY
AT JAY Z FOR HAVING ONE OF HIS SIDE

79

BITCHES AT THE CONCERT.
WHERE WERE THEY?

80

I LOVE THIS-- THIS IS LIKE THE
THIRD TIME THAT YOU'VE SAID

81

SIDE BITCHES.

82

I LOVE THE SIDE BITCH.

83

AND IT'S NOT... YOU'RE NOT
QUOTING ANYTHING EITHER.

84

YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT.

85

AND YOU KNOW WHO I THINK
IT WAS? GWYNNIE POW POW.

86

THE ANIME VERSION OF
GWYNETH PALTROW?

87

YEAH.

88

WELL YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY...

89

IT'S A DISTURBING VIDEO.

90

IT'S A SCARY VIDEO, LIKE, THE FIRST
THING I THOUGHT WAS LIKE,

91

AM I OK. I HAVEN'T
REACTED LIKE... THE ONLY

92

TIME I EVER REACTED LIKE THAT
WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT KIRSTEN DUNST

93

WASN'T GOING TO BE IN THE
REMAKE OF THE NEW SPIDERMAN MOVIES.

94

THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME THAT
MY BODY EVER REACTED LIKE THAT.

95

BUT YOU WERE OK, WITH TOBEY
MAGUIRE NOT BEING IN THE

96

REMAKE OF THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES?

97

YES. KIRSTEN DUNST TO ME IN
THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES IS REALLY

98

WHERE SHE'S SHOWN.

99

SHE'S SHOWN WHAT?

100

SHE'S SHOWN IT ALL.

101

RIGHT.

102

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

103

WELL WE SPENT EVERY MINUTE
OF IT TOGETHER, SO.

104

YEAH, WE WENT TO PORTLAND.
WE WENT TO BRIDGETOWN COMEDY FESTIVAL.

105

YOU KNOW THEY SHOULD
CALL IT BRIDGE CLOWN.

106

YOU DON'T THINK I
DIDN'T TELL THEM?

107

OH, YOU DID?

108

I DID. I SAID, I KNOCKED
ON THE DOOR, AND I SAID,

109

HI, BRYAN SAFI, COMEDIAN.

110

YEAH.

111

LOS ANGELES, BECAUSE THEY
DIDN'T KNOW.

112

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU FELL
DOWN THE STAIRS. YOU HAVEN'T

113

BEEN THE SAME SINCE. YOU GOT
DIFFERENT HAIR. YOU'RE DRESSING

114

DIFFERENTLY. YOU'RE MAKING
ME CALL YOU PHILL.

115

YEAH.

116

I DON'T GET IT.

117

WELL BECAUSE OF THE PHILOMINA.
I ALSO SEPARATE

118

A HUSBAND AND WIFE ON MY
FLIGHT BACK. I MEANT TO TELL YOU THAT.

119

WHY DID YOU...?

120

BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE, OH,
DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT TOGETHER,

121

AND I WAS LIKE, I REALLY CAN'T
SIT, ON A WINDOW,

122

BECAUSE IT'LL-- I CAN'T DO IT.

123

I GET VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC,
AND THEY WERE LIKE OH,

124

IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED TO
SIT TOGETHER, AND I WAS LIKE

125

ASK THEM, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT.

126

I CAN'T DO IT.

127

WHERE WERE YOU SITTING, ON THE AISLE?

128

WELL, OK, LET'S BE HONEST.

129

BCAUSE THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

130

I WAS SITTING ON THE AISLE.

131

OK.

132

I GOT UPGRADED TO FIRST. SO THE HUSBAND WAS SITTING NEXT

133

TO ME, AND I WAS ON THE
AISLE, AND HIS WIFE WAS ON

134

THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEY
WERE LIKE, DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT

135

TOGETHER, AND I WAS LIKE,
I DON'T MIND, BUT I MIND.

136

THEY WERE LIKE, HANG ON...

137

BECAUSE THEY'RE ONLY TWO
SEATS IN THE ROW IN FIRST CLASS.

138

JUST EXPLAIN IT FOR
EVERYONE ELSE WHO CAN'T--

139

I JUST CAN'T. I MEAN I DON'T EVEN...

140

--AFFORD THE $25 DOLLARS TO UPGRADE.

141

(LAUGHS) YEAH, $25 DOLLARS. SO I...

142

WELL THEY'LL JUST SIT
ANYONE UP THERE HUH?

143

I SPLIT THEM UP, AND THEY
WERE DOING EVERYTHING THEY

144

COULD TO MAKE ME FEEL
HORRIBLE LIKE, CAN YOU,

145

ONE MOMENT IT WAS LIKE, CAN YOU
PASS THIS JANET EVANOVICH NOVEL TO MY

146

HUSBAND, BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO
READ IT, AND I WAS LIKE

147

I CAN, BITCH.

148

BY THE WAY, THIS IS A FIRST CLASS
PROBLEM, I'LL TELL YOU

149

THAT MUCH.

150

OH, PA-LEASE. MY FIRST CLASS
PROBLEM, WHERE CAN I FIND A

151

BOTTLE OF UH...

152

VEUVE CLICQUOT?

153

WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A
BOTTLE OF VEUVE CLICQUOT AT

154

5 IN THE MORNING WHEN I HAVE
TO RUN TO DEE DEE'S FOR UH,

155

EARLY MORNING...

156

YEAH.

157

I DON'T KNOW. YOU SAID, VEUVE
CLICQUOT LIKE A REAL FRENCHMEN.

158

-YEAH.
-YEAH.

159

160

ERIN, THE TOURCH HAS BEEN PASSED.
THE FOOTBALL HAS BEEN

161

THROWN. LISTEN THIS IS THE MOST
EXCITING WEEK FOR GAY

162

PEOPLE IN A WHILE...

163

OH, I'D SAY FOREVER.

164

YEAH.

165

IT WAS THE WEEK OF FIRSTS.

166

FIRST OF ALL, ARKANSAS, THE FIRST
PLACE IN THE BIBLE BELT

167

TO MAKE SAME SEX MARRIAGE
LEGAL. VERY, VERY, VERY EXCITING.

168

GUESS WHO GOT DRAFTED?

169

YOU DID.

170

NO, I WISH. MICHAEL SAM WAS
DRAFTED TO THE NFL.

171

(ERIN): I HEARD.

172

(BRYAN): MAKING HIM THE FIRST,
OPENLY GAY PERSON IN THE NFL EVER

173

IN THE WORLD, EVER, EVER FIRST
INTERNET COMMENT.

174

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

175

WELL, MIXED. NO, I'M VERY EXCITED.
HERE'S WHAT I DON'T

176

LOVE. SO HE WAS...

177

HERE WE GO, YEAH. I KNEW WE
WERE GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE

178

BOTTOM OF IT.

179

WELL, HE WAS A 7TH ROUND
DRAFT PICK WHICH IS EXCEPTIONAL,

180

BUT PEOPLE WERE PREDICTING
BEFORE THE COMING OUT THAT

181

HE WOULD BE A 3RD OR 4TH ROUND, SO...

182

YOU THINK HE GOT BUMPED TO 7?

183

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE NOT.
I MEAN IT'S SO EXCITING.

184

OVERALL HE WAS NUMBER 249.
I THINK EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN

185

THAT WAS THE FACT THAT, MANY
PEOPLE SEEN THIS VIDEO OF

186

MICHAEL SAM WITH HIS BOYFRIEND
WHEN HE RECEIVED THE CALL.

187

I HAVEN'T WILL YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME?

188

OF COURSE I WILL. SO
THERE'S A COUPLE OF... THE FIRST

189

THING IS MICHAEL SAM
GETS THE CALL--

190

UH, HUH.

191

AND HE'S THERE WITH HIS BOYFRIEND--

192

HE WAS ANOTHER OUT, GAY...

193

ATHLETE.

194

CAN YOU BE OUT AND GAY?

195

ALWAYS. UM, THEN THEY START
KISSING, AND CELEBRATING

196

AND THIS IS LIKE-- I THINK YOU
SAID EARLIER THIS WAS A VERY

197

JERRY MAGUIRE MOMENT, JUST
WITH TWO MEN--

198

THEY KISSED SEVERAL TIMES.

199

--THE WATERSHED MOMENT
WAS ESPN PLAYED IT, OVER, AND

200

OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER,
AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN.

201

A GAY KISS ON ANY NETWORK
IS STILL LIKE (SHUTTERS).

202

AND THAT'S THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

203

-YEAH.
-YEAH.

204

BUT A GAY KISS ON ESPN, IS LIKE...

205

GOD, IT'S LIKE SEEING A
WOMAN SEEING A WOMAN READ ON SPIKE.

206

-EXACTLY.
-YEAH.

207

IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU
NEVER REALLY THOUGHT YOU'D SEE.

208

HE KISSED HIS BOYFRIEND A
LOT ON THAT TAPE.

209

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN...

210

THAT VIDEO TAPE.

211

I THINK HE PROBABLY KISSED
HIM A NORMAL AMOUNT.

212

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, 5 OR 6
TIMES RIGHT?

213

YEAH. THAT'S PROBABLY THE NORMAL.

214

I DO LIKE ONE KISS, AND I'M LIKE,
WE'RE DONE. THE BUSINESS IS OVER.

215

RIGHT, BUT THAT'S YOU, AND
YOUR SHELL OF AN EXISTENCE.

216

YEAH.

217

OK, SO NOT EVERYONE WAS THRILLED
AS YOU AND I ARE ABOUT

218

THIS MICHAEL SAM DRAFT PICK.

219

AND CERTAINLY NOT ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

220

I WATCHED THE VIDEO A MILLION TIMES.

221

YEAH. SO DID THE NATION.
WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.

222

FORMER SUPER BOWL CHAMPION
DERRICK WARD WAS NOT THRILLED.

223

HE SAID, "I'M SORRY, BUT THAT
MICHAEL SAM IS NO BUENO FOR

224

DOING THAT ON NATIONAL TV."

225

OH, HE'S SPANISH. THAT'S FUN.

226

WELL, EXCEPT THAN THIS. "MAN
YOU GOT LITTLE KIDS LOOKING

227

AT THE DRAFT. I CAN'T BELIEVE
ESPN EVEN ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN."

228

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL CHILDREN?

229

OH, I DON'T KNOW. THAT PEOPLE
LOVE EACH OTHER?

230

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO SAY.

231

ALSO, DON JONES WHO PLAYS FOR
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS...

232

(ERIN): D-A-W-N

233

(BRYAN): I WISH.

234

AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, FOR MICHAEL
SAM HE TWEETED, OMG,

235

AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SOMEONE ASKED
HIM LIKE, "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

236

THE MICHAEL SAM THING?" AND THEN HE
TWEETED BACK, "HORRIBLE."

237

RIGHT.

238

HE PLAYS FOR, LIKE I SAID THE DOLPHINS.

239

MIAMI DOLPHINS.

240

EXACTLY, AND IS NOW BEING FINED, AND
I GUESS BENCHED BY THE MIAMI DOLPHINS

241

FOR THOSE COMMENTS.

242

GOOD.

243

MADE PEOPLE EVEN CRAZIER.

244

KEEP YOUR OMG'S TO YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.

245

EXACTLY.

246

SO, HE SAID, "I TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE COMMENTS,

247

AND FOR THE TWEETS, AND I REGRET
THAT THEY TOOK AWAY FROM

248

HIS DRAFT MOMENT."

249

WELL GOOD FOR HIM, GOOD FOR HIM.

250

THAT WAS A NICE APOLOGY. YEAH.

251

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE, LIKE WE SAW
WITH THE DUCK DYNASTY,

252

AND ALL THIS SAYING FIRST AMENDMENT
RIGHTS. WE'RE ALLOWED

253

TO SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MICHAEL
SAM, AND THAT KISS,

254

BECAUSE WE'RE AMERICAN, AND IT'S
GROSS, AND NO ONE SHOULD

255

GET IN TROUBLE. BOBBY SCHULTZ SAYS,
"IT'S ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE

256

CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MICHAEL,
ABOUT THE MICHAEL SAM

257

KISS WITHOUT PEOPLE POINTING
AT THEM, AND SAYING HOMOPHOBE.

258

UM, BECAUSE IT IS BOTTOM
LINE, JUST HOMOPHOBIC.

259

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

260

LIKE IT REALLY IS AT THE END OF
THE DAY, AND WE'VE SAID IT

261

A MILLION OF TIMES...

262

I AM A HOMOPHOBE, BUT PLEASE
DON'T CALL ME A HOMOPHOBE,

263

BECAUSE IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.

264

EXACTLY. THE THING IS THAT THERE
ARE ALSO CONSEQUENCES TO

265

THINGS PEOPLE SAY. THAT IS PART OF IT.

266

YEAH, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY WHATEVER
YOU WANT, CARTE BLANCHE.

267

EXACTLY, AND NOT FACE ANY SORT
OF CONSEQUENCES FOR IT.

268

IT CERTAINLY CAN HAPPEN.

269

SO, DONALD TRUMP CALLED INTO THE FOX
AND FRIENDS SHOW, AND CHIMED IN--

270

(ERIN): WELL GOOD...

271

HE WAS BORED.

272

--FOOTBALL EXPERT, BORED, NOTHING
TO DO. HE SAID, THAT THE

273

KISS BETWEEN, UH, MICHAEL SAM AND
HIS BOYFRIEND VITO WAS

274

PRETTY OUT THERE TO ME.

275

WOAH, I DIDN'T KNOW HE LISTENED TO PHISH.

276

YEAH, MAN.

277

WOAH.

278

PRETTY OUT THERE, PRETTY TRIPPY.

279

AND HE SAID, WE'VE BECOME SO
POLITICALLY CORRECT IN THIS

280

COUNTRY THAT THE COUNTRY'S
GOING TO HELL.

281

HERE'S...

282

JOHNNY.

283

WHAT I'M TAKING AWAY...

284

YEAH. HERE'S JOHNNY.

285

ONE OF MY TAKE AWAYS FROM
THIS IS I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED,

286

BECAUSE NOW IT'S OVER, AND
UM, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT

287

ESPN MADE SOMETHING NORMAL
SEEM NORMAL. I THINK THAT IT'S

288

PROBABLY IS SOME SORT OF A
RITUAL THAT WHEN SOMEONE GETS

289

THAT DRAFT CALL THEY KISS
THEIR GIRLFRIEND, AND IT'S

290

PROBABLY BEEN AIRED A MILLION
TIMES, WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE

291

DONE IT, AND HOW MANY TIMES
WE'VE SEEN IT, BUT I DON'T THINK

292

THIS WAS ANY DIFFERENT THAN THAT, AND

293

I'M SURE I HAVE HAD TO SEE, SOME
ATHLETE SLOBBER ALL OVER HIS

294

WIFE A MILLION TIMES.

295

EITHER WAY THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS.
THIS IS BY THE WAY,

296

THIS MADE HISTORY AS THE MOST
TWEETED DRAFT PICK EVER IN

297

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

298

GOOD FOR HIM.

299

SO HE DID THAT.

300

I MEAN... GO TO BED WITH THAT.

301

302

WELL, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
SIDE BITCH IS BACK.

303

WHO IS IT?

304

I THINK I SAY THAT WITH LOVE,
AND ADORATION.

305

YEAH.

306

ASK AMY.

307

I LOVE ASK AMY FROM THE
WASHINGTON POST.

308

(ERIN): SHE'S IS DISHING OUT THE
ADVICE I WISH I HAD IN ME.

309

TALK ABOUT A CASSEROLE, SHE
SETS IT ON THE TABLE AND SAYS

310

DIG IN IF YOU DARE.

311

YEAH. EVERYTHING'S IN THERE.

312

YEP.

313

YOU GOT YOUR MEAT. YOU GOT
YOUR CARBS. YOU GOT YOUR VEGGIES.

314

YEAH.

315

DEAR AMY, EVERY FALL MY SISTER'S
COUSINS, AND A COUSIN'S

316

SISTER IN LAW... CALM DOWN.
HAVE A WEEKEND SHOPPING

317

EXCURSION IN OUR HOME CITY.

318

(GASPS) OOH. JONES NEW YORK ANYBODY?

319

WE STAY IN A HOTEL. TREAT OURSELVES.
SHOP FOR OUR CHILDREN.

320

GO OUT FOR LUNCHES, AND DINNERS.

321

I LOVE IT.

322

NOT BREAKFAST.

323

NO.

324

I HAVE A SISTER, WENDY,
WHO WE DO NOT INVITE.

325

WELL, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
WHY, I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I'M PROBABLY

326

ON WENDY'S SIDE, BUT MAYBE
I'M WRONG. THESE 3 STEP COUSIN

327

WITCHES WHO GO OUT
TOGETHER, I HAVE A FEELING...

328

IN THEIR HOME CITY.

329

(LAUGHS) YEAH.

330

I'M SORRY DID THEY GET A
HOTEL IN THEIR HOME TOWN?

331

YES, IN THEIR HOME CITY.

332

(LAUGHS) OK.

333

I HAVE FANTASIES OF DOING
THAT IN BURBANK. THERE'S A MOTEL

334

ACROSS FROM THE COSTCO,
AND I'VE HAD FANTASIES OF

335

CHECKING INTO IT.

336

WHY THAT ONE?

337

BECAUSE THEN I COULD JUST
WALK TO COSTCO.

338

FOR WHAT? TAQUITOS?

339

YEAH, AND THE A/C.

340

RIGHT.

341

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW EVIL
WOMAN CAN BE.

342

OH, I MEAN, IF I KNEW THAT SOMEONE
WAS CRYING EVERY YEAR, MY SISTER,

343

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T INVITE HER...

344

WENDY?

345

YEAH.

346

THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS WE
DON'T INCLUDE HER. HERE WE GO.

347

GREAT.

348

WE KNOW THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE
VERY MUCH MONEY FOR AN OUTING.

349

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S BEEN OFFENDED
TO TEARS OVER THIS.

350

YES. ALSO DIVORCED SINGLE MOM.

351

-YEAH.
-COOL.

352

SHE ALSO DOES NOT HAVE MANY OF
THE SAME INTEREST AS WE DO.

353

HER LIFE--

354

GOOD!

355

--WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT
SHE HAS TO TALK ABOUT.

356

(LAUGHS)

357

DITTO BITCH.

358

THE HONESTY, YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE.

359

YEAH, SHE COMPLAINS TOO MUCH
ABOUT HER ACHES AND PAINS,

360

AND CLAIMS TO HAVE SOME SORT OF
NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE THAT

361

SOME OF US FEEL IS MORE
PSYCHOSOMATIC THAN REAL.

362

OOH...

363

WHAT SHE USES TO AVOID GETTING UP
FOR CHURCH ON SUNDAYS.

364

THESE...

365

YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT?
CLEARLY YOU DO, BECAUSE

366

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT HER.

367

YEAH.

368

AND YOU HAVE ENOUGH
INFORMATION TO JUDGE HER.

369

WE'RE SO EMBARRASSED TO
STEP A FOOT IN TO ALDO WITH HER.

370

WHAT'S UNBELIEVABLE IS THAT
THIS WOMAN IS WRITING THIS THINKING

371

LIKE OH, I'M MAKING THIS SOUND
LIKE EVERYONE WOULD

372

AGREE WITH ME.

373

WAIT...

374

WHEN YOU WRITE A LETTER
LIKE THAT YOU THINK LIKE, WELL I

375

WANT TO MAKE IT SOUND, I MEAN...

376

I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY
KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

377

AND THAT THEY'RE ON MY SIDE.

378

WELL THE NEXT SENTENCE WILL
ABSOLUTELY BLOW YOU AWAY, AND

379

ALSO NOT SURPRISE YOU.

380

I CAN'T WAIT. BELIEVE YOU ME,
IT'S GOING TO BE IN MY WEDDING VOWS.

381

WE ARE ALL VERY ACTIVE CHURCH GOERS.

382

OK.

383

WELL SHE ONLY SPORADICALLY
ATTENDS SERVICES...

384

YOU MENTIONED IT.

385

YEAH, YOU'VE SAID THAT TWICE NOW.

386

PLAIN AND SIMPLE SHE JUST DOES
NOT REALLY FIT IN WITH US ANYMORE.

387

SHE TAKES IT VERY PERSONALLY,
AND LAST YEAR EVEN CAME OVER

388

TO MY HOME UNANNOUNCED,
CRYING ABOUT IT.

389

WELL SHE'S YOUR SISTER.

390

WHICH UPSET MY CHILDREN, AND
CAUSED MY HUSBAND TO THREATEN

391

TO CALL THE POLICE IF SHE
DID NOT LEAVE.

392

I KNOW WHAT THESE WOMAN--
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

393

COLD. EMPIRE WAIST DRESSES.

394

YEAH. THESE WOMAN TAKE A
WEEKEND TRIP TO NEW YORK,

395

AND DO THE HORSE RIDES
THROUGH CENTRAL PARK, AND THEY

396

JUST KEEP GOING, "WHY CAN'T
THE HORSES GO ANY FASTER?"

397

YEAH.

398

THAT'S THESE WOMAN.

399

HOW CAN WE GET HER TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHE SHOULD

400

PERHAPS FIND ANOTHER
SET OF FRIENDS WHOSE LIVES AND

401

INTERESTS ALIGN MORE
CLOSELY WITH HERS?

402

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE FAMILY.

403

YOURS, SAD SISTER.

404

HERE'S AMY.

405

DEAR SAD, FIRST LETS
ESTABLISH THAT I AGREE WITH

406

YOUR SISTER.

407

(LAUGHS)

408

YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

409

WE-- ERIN...

410

(TOGETHER): WE GOTTA GET
AMY ON THIS SHOW.

411

WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHEN
WE GO TO DC IF THERE'S A WAY

412

TO GET HER ON THIS SHOW.

413

AND ALL IT IS, IS JUST HERO WORSHIP.

414

YES.

415

OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT, AND ASSOCIATE WITH OR EXCLUDE

416

WHOM EVER YOU WANT, BUT YOU DON'T
GET TO DO THIS AND ALSO

417

BLAME THE PERSON YOU'RE EXCLUDING
FOR NOT FITTING IN.

418

YES.

419

PERHAPS THIS IS SOMETHING YOU COULD
PONDER FROM YOUR CHURCH

420

PEW, BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR REGULAR
ATTENDANCE, YOU DON'T

421

SEEM TO HAVE LEARNED MUCH.

422

(SIGH) AMY DROPPED A MIC.

423

AND THEN SHE FUCKING PUT HER
PRINCE CAP ON, WITH ALL THE

424

GOLD CHAIN--

425

YES.

426

--AND SHE FUCKIN' BACKED AWAY
SLOWLY, AND SAID FUCK YOU WARNER BROTHERS

427

I'M MY OWN BOSS.

428

THAT'S IT. THESE WOMAN.

429

YOU KNOW MY MOM, MY MOM, GOES
THROUGH A VERY SIMILAR THING

430

WITH MY STEPDAD'S SISTERS--

431

SURE.

432

--WHO ARE SUPER CONSERVATIVE.
VERY MUCH CHURCH GOERS. MY

433

MOM IS VERY LIBERAL--

434

BUT THEY MANAGE TO MAKE IT WORK.

435

THEY HAVE A GREAT TIME.

436

OF COURSE.

437

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE'S
ALWAYS COMMON GROUND.

438

YOU COULD TALK ABOUT CLOTHES
FOR KIDS. THERE'S LITERALLY SO MUCH

439

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT. FIND SOME
COMMON GROUND.

440

OH, MY GOD. WOULD THAT I COULD SIT
NEXT TO ANY OF THAT

441

IN A RESTAURANT JUST HAVING PEOPLE--
HEARING THOSE THREE CONVERSATIONS.

442

WELL JOHN'S A 2T, NOW HE'S A 3T.

443

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
CLOTHES FOR KIDS?

444

YEAH.

445

DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I
WAS MY THINEST WHEN I WAS DOING

446

DIET FUEL IN COLLEGE, AND
SMOKING CIGARETTES...

447

SO THINNEST, SLASH UNHEALTHIEST?

448

-YEAH.
-OK.

449

I WAS TAKING 3 DIET...

450

ERIN, DON'T PROMOTE DIET
FUEL RIGHT NOW.

451

I'M NOT.

452

OK.

453

I'M TELLING YOU I WAS VERY
UNHAPPY, AND UNHEALTHY.

454

THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I
STARTED BEING ABLE TO WEAR

455

GAP KIDS, AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS
BAD. I HAVE TO STOP

456

DOING DIET FUEL, AND I DID. THAT EASY.

457

YOU WERE WEARING LIKE ONSIES?

458

YEAH, I WAS DOING ONSIES. I WAS
DOING BABY PECOS.

459

-YEAH.
-YEAH.

460

YEAH. ALL KINDS OF-- SHIT IN MY
PANTS. THAT I DID DO, BECAUSE

461

OF THE DIET FUEL.

462

463

SHOULD WE EXPLAIN AT ALL THAT
I'M IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT?

464

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