A man kissed another man on ESPN and the world didn't turn inside out and envelope... more »
Published May 13, 2014 49k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

(ERIN): THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.
(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,
(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,
(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,
(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
(ERIN): WELCOME TO JAMAICA.
(BRYAN): I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TOO...
OH, THAT'S NICE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO THIS OR--
-IT'S HOT.
-OH, YEAH.
--I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO THIS ,
OR WHETHER TO DO THIS.
OH.
I FEEL LIKE THIS.
NO.
YOU DON'T THINK THIS IS TOO SEXY?
NO.
I DON'T WANT TO BE SEXY WITH
ANYONE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE
IT'S SO HOT, AND I'M NOT IN LIKE
A BODY HEAT, SEXY KIND OF WAY,
IT'S LIKE HOT LIKE UMM...
LIKE CASSEROLE?
HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I'M A CHEESE...
-I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A CASSEROLE.
-YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE I'M LAYING MY
SWEATY BODY DOWN NEXT TO
SOME BROCCOLI, AND I'M
A PURE VELVEETA.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE DOING?
TALKING ABOUT HOT FOOD WHEN
I'M LITERALLY SWEATY...
WHY ARE WE PUTTING OURSELVES
THROUGH IT? YOU KNOW WHAT
WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT.
SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED THIS
WEEKEND. THE CRAZIEST
THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN A WHILE,
AND THE LESSON WAS
ALWAYS TAKE THE STAIRS. I'M OF
COURSE TALKING ABOUT
SOLANGE AND JAY Z.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU FELL
DOWN THE STAIRS...
NO, BUT I DID FALL DOWN THE
STAIRS THIS WEEKEND.
OH, MY GOD. YOU FELL DOWN
THE STAIRS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
WITH SO MUCH LUGGAGE, AND...
I WAS CARRYING TWO HUMUNGOUS BAGS.
YOUR SKULL HIT THAT METAL
STAIRCASE LIKE NOTHING
I'VE EVER HEARD BEFORE.
WELL, ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY FEET
SLIPPED OUT FROM UNDER
MY LEG, AND I WAS LIKE...
AND YOU GO, "ARE YOU OK?"
AND I'M LIKE (LAUGHING), "I'M FINE."
WHEN I CLEARLY WAS NOT.
YOU WERE NOT FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT DRIVES ME
CRAZY ABOUT WHEN YOU SLIP, AND
BELIEVE ME...
WELL I SLIP ALL THE TIME.
NOTHING IS FUNNIER TO ME
THAN WHEN SOMEONE SLIPS.
I WOULDN'T MIND IF PEOPLE
HAD LIKE LAUGHED. THIS IS WHAT I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, IS WHEN THERE'S
A TON OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU, AND
EVERY SINGLE ONE GOES LIKE THIS...
WELL THE PROBLEM...
NOTHING.
THEY'RE WAITING...
THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING.
THEY DON'T SAY, "ARE YOU OK?"
THEY DON'T LAUGH.
THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO
MAKE A NOISE. EITHER CRYING
OR LAUGHING.
NO.
IT'S REALLY YOUR FAULT.
EVEN WHEN I SEE CHILDREN
ON SLIP'N SLIDES, WHEN I SEE
THEM GO, I RUN OVER AND
SCREAM, "ARE YOU OK?"
YEAH.
BECAUSE I'M SO CONCERNED
WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE SLIP.
WELL BECAUSE ALSO...
WHENEVER I THROW MY BANANA
PEELS ON THE STREET, THEN I
DO MY STAKEOUT, I'M CONSTANTLY
WAITING FOR PEOPLE
TO SLIP. THE MINUTE THEY DO
I FEEL BADLY ABOUT IT.
THIS IS ALL I'M SAYING--
YEAH.
THOSE STAIRS WERE SOLANGE.
I WAS JAY Z, AND ALL THOSE
GAWKERS WERE BEYONCÉ.
NOBODY DID A THING.
WELL HERE'S THE RUM-RUM
OF THE RUMOR MILL.
YEAH.
THAT SOLANGE WAS ANGRY
AT JAY Z FOR HAVING ONE OF HIS SIDE
BITCHES AT THE CONCERT.
WHERE WERE THEY?
I LOVE THIS-- THIS IS LIKE THE
THIRD TIME THAT YOU'VE SAID
SIDE BITCHES.
I LOVE THE SIDE BITCH.
AND IT'S NOT... YOU'RE NOT
QUOTING ANYTHING EITHER.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT.
AND YOU KNOW WHO I THINK
IT WAS? GWYNNIE POW POW.
THE ANIME VERSION OF
GWYNETH PALTROW?
YEAH.
WELL YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY...
IT'S A DISTURBING VIDEO.
IT'S A SCARY VIDEO, LIKE, THE FIRST
THING I THOUGHT WAS LIKE,
AM I OK. I HAVEN'T
REACTED LIKE... THE ONLY
TIME I EVER REACTED LIKE THAT
WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT KIRSTEN DUNST
WASN'T GOING TO BE IN THE
REMAKE OF THE NEW SPIDERMAN MOVIES.
THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME THAT
MY BODY EVER REACTED LIKE THAT.
BUT YOU WERE OK, WITH TOBEY
MAGUIRE NOT BEING IN THE
REMAKE OF THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES?
YES. KIRSTEN DUNST TO ME IN
THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES IS REALLY
WHERE SHE'S SHOWN.
SHE'S SHOWN WHAT?
SHE'S SHOWN IT ALL.
RIGHT.
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
WELL WE SPENT EVERY MINUTE
OF IT TOGETHER, SO.
YEAH, WE WENT TO PORTLAND.
WE WENT TO BRIDGETOWN COMEDY FESTIVAL.
YOU KNOW THEY SHOULD
CALL IT BRIDGE CLOWN.
YOU DON'T THINK I
DIDN'T TELL THEM?
OH, YOU DID?
I DID. I SAID, I KNOCKED
ON THE DOOR, AND I SAID,
HI, BRYAN SAFI, COMEDIAN.
YEAH.
LOS ANGELES, BECAUSE THEY
DIDN'T KNOW.
AND THAT'S WHERE YOU FELL
DOWN THE STAIRS. YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN THE SAME SINCE. YOU GOT
DIFFERENT HAIR. YOU'RE DRESSING
DIFFERENTLY. YOU'RE MAKING
ME CALL YOU PHILL.
YEAH.
I DON'T GET IT.
WELL BECAUSE OF THE PHILOMINA.
I ALSO SEPARATE
A HUSBAND AND WIFE ON MY
FLIGHT BACK. I MEANT TO TELL YOU THAT.
WHY DID YOU...?
BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE, OH,
DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT TOGETHER,
AND I WAS LIKE, I REALLY CAN'T
SIT, ON A WINDOW,
BECAUSE IT'LL-- I CAN'T DO IT.
I GET VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC,
AND THEY WERE LIKE OH,
IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED TO
SIT TOGETHER, AND I WAS LIKE
ASK THEM, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T DO IT.
WHERE WERE YOU SITTING, ON THE AISLE?
WELL, OK, LET'S BE HONEST.
BCAUSE THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
I WAS SITTING ON THE AISLE.
OK.
I GOT UPGRADED TO FIRST. SO THE HUSBAND WAS SITTING NEXT
TO ME, AND I WAS ON THE
AISLE, AND HIS WIFE WAS ON
THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEY
WERE LIKE, DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT
TOGETHER, AND I WAS LIKE,
I DON'T MIND, BUT I MIND.
THEY WERE LIKE, HANG ON...
BECAUSE THEY'RE ONLY TWO
SEATS IN THE ROW IN FIRST CLASS.
JUST EXPLAIN IT FOR
EVERYONE ELSE WHO CAN'T--
I JUST CAN'T. I MEAN I DON'T EVEN...
--AFFORD THE $25 DOLLARS TO UPGRADE.
(LAUGHS) YEAH, $25 DOLLARS. SO I...
WELL THEY'LL JUST SIT
ANYONE UP THERE HUH?
I SPLIT THEM UP, AND THEY
WERE DOING EVERYTHING THEY
COULD TO MAKE ME FEEL
HORRIBLE LIKE, CAN YOU,
ONE MOMENT IT WAS LIKE, CAN YOU
PASS THIS JANET EVANOVICH NOVEL TO MY
HUSBAND, BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO
READ IT, AND I WAS LIKE
I CAN, BITCH.
BY THE WAY, THIS IS A FIRST CLASS
PROBLEM, I'LL TELL YOU
THAT MUCH.
OH, PA-LEASE. MY FIRST CLASS
PROBLEM, WHERE CAN I FIND A
BOTTLE OF UH...
VEUVE CLICQUOT?
WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A
BOTTLE OF VEUVE CLICQUOT AT
IN THE MORNING WHEN I HAVE
TO RUN TO DEE DEE'S FOR UH,
EARLY MORNING...
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW. YOU SAID, VEUVE
CLICQUOT LIKE A REAL FRENCHMEN.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
ERIN, THE TOURCH HAS BEEN PASSED.
THE FOOTBALL HAS BEEN
THROWN. LISTEN THIS IS THE MOST
EXCITING WEEK FOR GAY
PEOPLE IN A WHILE...
OH, I'D SAY FOREVER.
YEAH.
IT WAS THE WEEK OF FIRSTS.
FIRST OF ALL, ARKANSAS, THE FIRST
PLACE IN THE BIBLE BELT
TO MAKE SAME SEX MARRIAGE
LEGAL. VERY, VERY, VERY EXCITING.
GUESS WHO GOT DRAFTED?
YOU DID.
NO, I WISH. MICHAEL SAM WAS
DRAFTED TO THE NFL.
(ERIN): I HEARD.
(BRYAN): MAKING HIM THE FIRST,
OPENLY GAY PERSON IN THE NFL EVER
IN THE WORLD, EVER, EVER FIRST
INTERNET COMMENT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
WELL, MIXED. NO, I'M VERY EXCITED.
HERE'S WHAT I DON'T
LOVE. SO HE WAS...
HERE WE GO, YEAH. I KNEW WE
WERE GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE
BOTTOM OF IT.
WELL, HE WAS A 7TH ROUND
DRAFT PICK WHICH IS EXCEPTIONAL,
BUT PEOPLE WERE PREDICTING
BEFORE THE COMING OUT THAT
HE WOULD BE A 3RD OR 4TH ROUND, SO...
YOU THINK HE GOT BUMPED TO 7?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE NOT.
I MEAN IT'S SO EXCITING.
OVERALL HE WAS NUMBER 249.
I THINK EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN
THAT WAS THE FACT THAT, MANY
PEOPLE SEEN THIS VIDEO OF
MICHAEL SAM WITH HIS BOYFRIEND
WHEN HE RECEIVED THE CALL.
I HAVEN'T WILL YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME?
OF COURSE I WILL. SO
THERE'S A COUPLE OF... THE FIRST
THING IS MICHAEL SAM
GETS THE CALL--
UH, HUH.
AND HE'S THERE WITH HIS BOYFRIEND--
HE WAS ANOTHER OUT, GAY...
ATHLETE.
CAN YOU BE OUT AND GAY?
ALWAYS. UM, THEN THEY START
KISSING, AND CELEBRATING
AND THIS IS LIKE-- I THINK YOU
SAID EARLIER THIS WAS A VERY
JERRY MAGUIRE MOMENT, JUST
WITH TWO MEN--
THEY KISSED SEVERAL TIMES.
--THE WATERSHED MOMENT
WAS ESPN PLAYED IT, OVER, AND
OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER,
AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN.
A GAY KISS ON ANY NETWORK
IS STILL LIKE (SHUTTERS).
AND THAT'S THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
BUT A GAY KISS ON ESPN, IS LIKE...
GOD, IT'S LIKE SEEING A
WOMAN SEEING A WOMAN READ ON SPIKE.
-EXACTLY.
-YEAH.
IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU
NEVER REALLY THOUGHT YOU'D SEE.
HE KISSED HIS BOYFRIEND A
LOT ON THAT TAPE.
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN...
THAT VIDEO TAPE.
I THINK HE PROBABLY KISSED
HIM A NORMAL AMOUNT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, 5 OR 6
TIMES RIGHT?
YEAH. THAT'S PROBABLY THE NORMAL.
I DO LIKE ONE KISS, AND I'M LIKE,
WE'RE DONE. THE BUSINESS IS OVER.
RIGHT, BUT THAT'S YOU, AND
YOUR SHELL OF AN EXISTENCE.
YEAH.
OK, SO NOT EVERYONE WAS THRILLED
AS YOU AND I ARE ABOUT
THIS MICHAEL SAM DRAFT PICK.
AND CERTAINLY NOT ABOUT THAT VIDEO.
I WATCHED THE VIDEO A MILLION TIMES.
YEAH. SO DID THE NATION.
WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.
FORMER SUPER BOWL CHAMPION
DERRICK WARD WAS NOT THRILLED.
HE SAID, "I'M SORRY, BUT THAT
MICHAEL SAM IS NO BUENO FOR
DOING THAT ON NATIONAL TV."
OH, HE'S SPANISH. THAT'S FUN.
WELL, EXCEPT THAN THIS. "MAN
YOU GOT LITTLE KIDS LOOKING
AT THE DRAFT. I CAN'T BELIEVE
ESPN EVEN ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN."
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL CHILDREN?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. THAT PEOPLE
LOVE EACH OTHER?
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO SAY.
ALSO, DON JONES WHO PLAYS FOR
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS...
(ERIN): D-A-W-N
(BRYAN): I WISH.
AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, FOR MICHAEL
SAM HE TWEETED, OMG,
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SOMEONE ASKED
HIM LIKE, "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
THE MICHAEL SAM THING?" AND THEN HE
TWEETED BACK, "HORRIBLE."
RIGHT.
HE PLAYS FOR, LIKE I SAID THE DOLPHINS.
MIAMI DOLPHINS.
EXACTLY, AND IS NOW BEING FINED, AND
I GUESS BENCHED BY THE MIAMI DOLPHINS
FOR THOSE COMMENTS.
GOOD.
MADE PEOPLE EVEN CRAZIER.
KEEP YOUR OMG'S TO YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.
EXACTLY.
SO, HE SAID, "I TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE COMMENTS,
AND FOR THE TWEETS, AND I REGRET
THAT THEY TOOK AWAY FROM
HIS DRAFT MOMENT."
WELL GOOD FOR HIM, GOOD FOR HIM.
THAT WAS A NICE APOLOGY. YEAH.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE, LIKE WE SAW
WITH THE DUCK DYNASTY,
AND ALL THIS SAYING FIRST AMENDMENT
RIGHTS. WE'RE ALLOWED
TO SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MICHAEL
SAM, AND THAT KISS,
BECAUSE WE'RE AMERICAN, AND IT'S
GROSS, AND NO ONE SHOULD
GET IN TROUBLE. BOBBY SCHULTZ SAYS,
"IT'S ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE
CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MICHAEL,
ABOUT THE MICHAEL SAM
KISS WITHOUT PEOPLE POINTING
AT THEM, AND SAYING HOMOPHOBE.
UM, BECAUSE IT IS BOTTOM
LINE, JUST HOMOPHOBIC.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
LIKE IT REALLY IS AT THE END OF
THE DAY, AND WE'VE SAID IT
A MILLION OF TIMES...
I AM A HOMOPHOBE, BUT PLEASE
DON'T CALL ME A HOMOPHOBE,
BECAUSE IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.
EXACTLY. THE THING IS THAT THERE
ARE ALSO CONSEQUENCES TO
THINGS PEOPLE SAY. THAT IS PART OF IT.
YEAH, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY WHATEVER
YOU WANT, CARTE BLANCHE.
EXACTLY, AND NOT FACE ANY SORT
OF CONSEQUENCES FOR IT.
IT CERTAINLY CAN HAPPEN.
SO, DONALD TRUMP CALLED INTO THE FOX
AND FRIENDS SHOW, AND CHIMED IN--
(ERIN): WELL GOOD...
HE WAS BORED.
--FOOTBALL EXPERT, BORED, NOTHING
TO DO. HE SAID, THAT THE
KISS BETWEEN, UH, MICHAEL SAM AND
HIS BOYFRIEND VITO WAS
PRETTY OUT THERE TO ME.
WOAH, I DIDN'T KNOW HE LISTENED TO PHISH.
YEAH, MAN.
WOAH.
PRETTY OUT THERE, PRETTY TRIPPY.
AND HE SAID, WE'VE BECOME SO
POLITICALLY CORRECT IN THIS
COUNTRY THAT THE COUNTRY'S
GOING TO HELL.
HERE'S...
JOHNNY.
WHAT I'M TAKING AWAY...
YEAH. HERE'S JOHNNY.
ONE OF MY TAKE AWAYS FROM
THIS IS I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED,
BECAUSE NOW IT'S OVER, AND
UM, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT
ESPN MADE SOMETHING NORMAL
SEEM NORMAL. I THINK THAT IT'S
PROBABLY IS SOME SORT OF A
RITUAL THAT WHEN SOMEONE GETS
THAT DRAFT CALL THEY KISS
THEIR GIRLFRIEND, AND IT'S
PROBABLY BEEN AIRED A MILLION
TIMES, WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE
DONE IT, AND HOW MANY TIMES
WE'VE SEEN IT, BUT I DON'T THINK
THIS WAS ANY DIFFERENT THAN THAT, AND
I'M SURE I HAVE HAD TO SEE, SOME
ATHLETE SLOBBER ALL OVER HIS
WIFE A MILLION TIMES.
EITHER WAY THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS.
THIS IS BY THE WAY,
THIS MADE HISTORY AS THE MOST
TWEETED DRAFT PICK EVER IN
THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
GOOD FOR HIM.
SO HE DID THAT.
I MEAN... GO TO BED WITH THAT.
WELL, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
SIDE BITCH IS BACK.
WHO IS IT?
I THINK I SAY THAT WITH LOVE,
AND ADORATION.
YEAH.
ASK AMY.
I LOVE ASK AMY FROM THE
WASHINGTON POST.
(ERIN): SHE'S IS DISHING OUT THE
ADVICE I WISH I HAD IN ME.
TALK ABOUT A CASSEROLE, SHE
SETS IT ON THE TABLE AND SAYS
DIG IN IF YOU DARE.
YEAH. EVERYTHING'S IN THERE.
YEP.
YOU GOT YOUR MEAT. YOU GOT
YOUR CARBS. YOU GOT YOUR VEGGIES.
YEAH.
DEAR AMY, EVERY FALL MY SISTER'S
COUSINS, AND A COUSIN'S
SISTER IN LAW... CALM DOWN.
HAVE A WEEKEND SHOPPING
EXCURSION IN OUR HOME CITY.
(GASPS) OOH. JONES NEW YORK ANYBODY?
WE STAY IN A HOTEL. TREAT OURSELVES.
SHOP FOR OUR CHILDREN.
GO OUT FOR LUNCHES, AND DINNERS.
I LOVE IT.
NOT BREAKFAST.
NO.
I HAVE A SISTER, WENDY,
WHO WE DO NOT INVITE.
WELL, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
WHY, I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I'M PROBABLY
ON WENDY'S SIDE, BUT MAYBE
I'M WRONG. THESE 3 STEP COUSIN
WITCHES WHO GO OUT
TOGETHER, I HAVE A FEELING...
IN THEIR HOME CITY.
(LAUGHS) YEAH.
I'M SORRY DID THEY GET A
HOTEL IN THEIR HOME TOWN?
YES, IN THEIR HOME CITY.
(LAUGHS) OK.
I HAVE FANTASIES OF DOING
THAT IN BURBANK. THERE'S A MOTEL
ACROSS FROM THE COSTCO,
AND I'VE HAD FANTASIES OF
CHECKING INTO IT.
WHY THAT ONE?
BECAUSE THEN I COULD JUST
WALK TO COSTCO.
FOR WHAT? TAQUITOS?
YEAH, AND THE A/C.
RIGHT.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW EVIL
WOMAN CAN BE.
OH, I MEAN, IF I KNEW THAT SOMEONE
WAS CRYING EVERY YEAR, MY SISTER,
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T INVITE HER...
WENDY?
YEAH.
THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS WE
DON'T INCLUDE HER. HERE WE GO.
GREAT.
WE KNOW THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE
VERY MUCH MONEY FOR AN OUTING.
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S BEEN OFFENDED
TO TEARS OVER THIS.
YES. ALSO DIVORCED SINGLE MOM.
-YEAH.
-COOL.
SHE ALSO DOES NOT HAVE MANY OF
THE SAME INTEREST AS WE DO.
HER LIFE--
GOOD!
--WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT
SHE HAS TO TALK ABOUT.
(LAUGHS)
DITTO BITCH.
THE HONESTY, YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE.
YEAH, SHE COMPLAINS TOO MUCH
ABOUT HER ACHES AND PAINS,
AND CLAIMS TO HAVE SOME SORT OF
NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE THAT
SOME OF US FEEL IS MORE
PSYCHOSOMATIC THAN REAL.
OOH...
WHAT SHE USES TO AVOID GETTING UP
FOR CHURCH ON SUNDAYS.
THESE...
YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT?
CLEARLY YOU DO, BECAUSE
YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT HER.
YEAH.
AND YOU HAVE ENOUGH
INFORMATION TO JUDGE HER.
WE'RE SO EMBARRASSED TO
STEP A FOOT IN TO ALDO WITH HER.
WHAT'S UNBELIEVABLE IS THAT
THIS WOMAN IS WRITING THIS THINKING
LIKE OH, I'M MAKING THIS SOUND
LIKE EVERYONE WOULD
AGREE WITH ME.
WAIT...
WHEN YOU WRITE A LETTER
LIKE THAT YOU THINK LIKE, WELL I
WANT TO MAKE IT SOUND, I MEAN...
I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY
KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.
AND THAT THEY'RE ON MY SIDE.
WELL THE NEXT SENTENCE WILL
ABSOLUTELY BLOW YOU AWAY, AND
ALSO NOT SURPRISE YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT. BELIEVE YOU ME,
IT'S GOING TO BE IN MY WEDDING VOWS.
WE ARE ALL VERY ACTIVE CHURCH GOERS.
OK.
WELL SHE ONLY SPORADICALLY
ATTENDS SERVICES...
YOU MENTIONED IT.
YEAH, YOU'VE SAID THAT TWICE NOW.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE SHE JUST DOES
NOT REALLY FIT IN WITH US ANYMORE.
SHE TAKES IT VERY PERSONALLY,
AND LAST YEAR EVEN CAME OVER
TO MY HOME UNANNOUNCED,
CRYING ABOUT IT.
WELL SHE'S YOUR SISTER.
WHICH UPSET MY CHILDREN, AND
CAUSED MY HUSBAND TO THREATEN
TO CALL THE POLICE IF SHE
DID NOT LEAVE.
I KNOW WHAT THESE WOMAN--
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
COLD. EMPIRE WAIST DRESSES.
YEAH. THESE WOMAN TAKE A
WEEKEND TRIP TO NEW YORK,
AND DO THE HORSE RIDES
THROUGH CENTRAL PARK, AND THEY
JUST KEEP GOING, "WHY CAN'T
THE HORSES GO ANY FASTER?"
YEAH.
THAT'S THESE WOMAN.
HOW CAN WE GET HER TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHE SHOULD
PERHAPS FIND ANOTHER
SET OF FRIENDS WHOSE LIVES AND
INTERESTS ALIGN MORE
CLOSELY WITH HERS?
OH MY GOD, THEY'RE FAMILY.
YOURS, SAD SISTER.
HERE'S AMY.
DEAR SAD, FIRST LETS
ESTABLISH THAT I AGREE WITH
YOUR SISTER.
(LAUGHS)
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.
WE-- ERIN...
(TOGETHER): WE GOTTA GET
AMY ON THIS SHOW.
WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHEN
WE GO TO DC IF THERE'S A WAY
TO GET HER ON THIS SHOW.
AND ALL IT IS, IS JUST HERO WORSHIP.
YES.
OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT, AND ASSOCIATE WITH OR EXCLUDE
WHOM EVER YOU WANT, BUT YOU DON'T
GET TO DO THIS AND ALSO
BLAME THE PERSON YOU'RE EXCLUDING
FOR NOT FITTING IN.
YES.
PERHAPS THIS IS SOMETHING YOU COULD
PONDER FROM YOUR CHURCH
PEW, BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR REGULAR
ATTENDANCE, YOU DON'T
SEEM TO HAVE LEARNED MUCH.
(SIGH) AMY DROPPED A MIC.
AND THEN SHE FUCKING PUT HER
PRINCE CAP ON, WITH ALL THE
GOLD CHAIN--
YES.
--AND SHE FUCKIN' BACKED AWAY
SLOWLY, AND SAID FUCK YOU WARNER BROTHERS
I'M MY OWN BOSS.
THAT'S IT. THESE WOMAN.
YOU KNOW MY MOM, MY MOM, GOES
THROUGH A VERY SIMILAR THING
WITH MY STEPDAD'S SISTERS--
SURE.
--WHO ARE SUPER CONSERVATIVE.
VERY MUCH CHURCH GOERS. MY
MOM IS VERY LIBERAL--
BUT THEY MANAGE TO MAKE IT WORK.
THEY HAVE A GREAT TIME.
OF COURSE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE'S
ALWAYS COMMON GROUND.
YOU COULD TALK ABOUT CLOTHES
FOR KIDS. THERE'S LITERALLY SO MUCH
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT. FIND SOME
COMMON GROUND.
OH, MY GOD. WOULD THAT I COULD SIT
NEXT TO ANY OF THAT
IN A RESTAURANT JUST HAVING PEOPLE--
HEARING THOSE THREE CONVERSATIONS.
WELL JOHN'S A 2T, NOW HE'S A 3T.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
CLOTHES FOR KIDS?
YEAH.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I
WAS MY THINEST WHEN I WAS DOING
DIET FUEL IN COLLEGE, AND
SMOKING CIGARETTES...
SO THINNEST, SLASH UNHEALTHIEST?
-YEAH.
-OK.
I WAS TAKING 3 DIET...
ERIN, DON'T PROMOTE DIET
FUEL RIGHT NOW.
I'M NOT.
OK.
I'M TELLING YOU I WAS VERY
UNHAPPY, AND UNHEALTHY.
THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I
STARTED BEING ABLE TO WEAR
GAP KIDS, AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS
BAD. I HAVE TO STOP
DOING DIET FUEL, AND I DID. THAT EASY.
YOU WERE WEARING LIKE ONSIES?
YEAH, I WAS DOING ONSIES. I WAS
DOING BABY PECOS.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
YEAH. ALL KINDS OF-- SHIT IN MY
PANTS. THAT I DID DO, BECAUSE
OF THE DIET FUEL.
SHOULD WE EXPLAIN AT ALL THAT
I'M IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT?

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