Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis

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The video opens with a title that read BETWEEN TWO FERNS with ZACH GALIFIANAKIS. The titles fade to reveal Zach Galifianakis and Bradley Cooper sitting between two ferns.

Zach Galifianakis: Hi. Welcome to another episode of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.

Text appears below Zach Galifianakis that reads ZACH GALIFIANAKIS HOST.

Zach Galifianakis: I’m the host of the show and my guest today is someone named Bradley Cooper.

The shot zooms in on Bradley Cooper and text appears below him that read

BRAD LEE
Cooper ACTOR

Bradley Cooper: I’m so excited to be here.

The shot cuts to Zach Galifianakis who stares at Bradley Cooper.

Bradley Cooper: Thank you.

Zach Galifianakis: You’re in a comedy movie right now. Let’s talk comedy movies. I love Wedding Crashers. Seen it three times.

Bradley Cooper: Oh, thank you.

Zach Galifianakis: Were you in that?

Bradley Cooper: Yeah.

Zach Galifianakis: Who’d you play?

Bradley Cooper: I played Sack Lodge. He was the bad guy in the movie, opposite of Vince Vaughn. Remember, I told you I gained like twenty five pounds for the role because I was worried that you wouldn’t believe that I could be the bad guy to Jeremy and John, the characters that Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play. Thirty five year old divorce lawyers and for their free time they like to crash weddings. And, at one of the weddings that they’re crashing, Owen’s character…

Zach Galifianakis: I think, uh, I was thinking about the Wedding Planner.

Bradley Cooper: No, that’s Matthew McConaughey, who I did Failure to Launch with. He played that, also thirty five years old, who’s still living at home with his mom and dad, Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw and I play Demo…

Zach Galifianakis: Who gives a fuck? No one gives a fuck. So, you live in California?

Bradley Cooper: Yeah. Yeah, I live in Venice, California.

Zach Galifianakis: So, you hang out with a lot of showbiz types?

There is a moment of silence and then a clicking noise is heard. The camera pulls back to reveal Carrot Top standing behind Bradley Cooper and texting.

Bradley Cooper: Is fucking Carrot Top behind me?

Zach Galifianakis: No. (looks over) Hey, Carrot.

Carrot Top: Hey, what’s up?

Zach Galifianakis: You’re on the cover of Details Magazine, (holds up a copy) which is a really good publication if you have run out of cologne.

Bradley Cooper: Alright. Why do have to be like that?

Zach Galifianakis: What?

Bradley Cooper: Why are you being mean to me?

Zach Galifianakis: I’m not being mean, I’m just asking questions. So you hosted Saturday Night Live.

Bradley Cooper: Yeah. That was like a dream come true.

Zach Galifianakis: Whose? What’s the matter? Did Elayne Boosler drop out?

Bradley Cooper: Come on, man.

Zach Galifianakis: Come on, man.

Bradley Cooper: Zach.

Zach Galifianakis: Zach.

Bradley Cooper: What are you doing?

Zach Galifianakis: I’m just reading my notes.

Bradley Cooper: No, it’s just, you know I was insecure about that.

Zach Galifianakis: Well, man, you know, you can skate on your looks alone.

Bradley Cooper laughs half-heartedly.

Zach Galifianakis: It’s not funny. Let me tell you something. What matters is in here. (Hits his chest with a pen and disrupts the microphone.) You need to know what’s right inside of here. (He hits Bradley Cooper’s microphone repeatedly.)

Bradley Cooper: Alright.

Zach Galifianakis goes to hit Bradley Cooper’s microphone one last time and Bradley Cooper slaps Zach Galifianakis. They slap each other repeatedly. There’s a moment of silence while Zach Galifianakis straightens his chair and table.

Bradley Cooper: I’m one of your fucking friends.

Zach Galifianakis goes to slap Bradley Cooper again and the shot cuts back to the title.