Drunk History Vol. 1 - Featuring Michael Cera

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On August 6th 2007
Mark Gagliardi drank a bottle of Scotch…
And then discussed a famous historical event.

Derek Waters presents
Drunk History

The shot cuts to Mark Gagliardi sitting in what appears to be a living room.

Mark Gagliardi: Today we’re going to talk about Alexander Hamilton.

The shot cuts to a painting of George Washington.

Mark Gagliardi: George Washington has served his presidency as United States President.

The shot cuts to a painting of John Adams.

Mark Gagliardi: John Adams has served his term as President of the United States. It’s the third presidency of the United States and…

The shot cuts to Derek Waters dressed as Thomas Jefferson.

Mark Gagliardi: …it’s Thomas Jefferson versus…

The shot cuts to Jake Johnson dressed as Aaron Burr.

Mark Gagliardi: …Aaron Burr versus…

The shot cuts to Michael Cera dressed as Alexander Hamilton.

Mark Gagliardi: …Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton hates Aaron Burr.

The shot cuts to Jake Johnson drinking tea in a parlor,

Mark Gagliardi: Here’s why. Aaron Burr is a politician from New York and he doesn’t care about the people. He simply wants to be the President of the United States because there’s power in it.

The shot cuts to Michael Cera walking into a room. The shot then cuts to Mark Gagliardi in his living room.

Mark Gagliardi: Can you grab the bucket that’s under the fucking…

Unidentified man: The bucket?

Mark Gagliardi: There’s a bucket under the fridge.

Mark Gagliardi moves from the chair he is sitting in over to the couch to lie down.

Unidentified man: Ok, man.

Mark Gagliardi: Aaron Burr is a rich dude. Aaron Burr decides he want to run for President. Alexander Hamilton thinks he wouldn’t be a good President.

The shot cuts to Michael Cera standing outside addressing the public.

Mark Gagliardi: So he starts a campaign against Aaron Burr.

Jake Johnson pushes through the crowd.

Mark Gagliardi: Aaron Burr says, hey, you’re giving me shit. We gotta duel.

The shot cuts to Michael Cera talking with Derek Waters.

Mark Gagliardi: Alexander Hamilton says, listen, I can’t reconcile, you know, killing someone with my political beliefs, but I can’t reconcile my political beliefs with not killing someone.

The shot cuts to Mark Gagliardi lying on his couch, adjusting his shirt.

Mark Gagliardi: Can you see my belly?

Voice off camera: Not anymore.

Mark Gagliardi: Ok.

Shot cuts to Michael Cera sitting on a bed with Ashley Johnson.

Mark Gagliardi: So Alexander Hamilton decides, I’m going to go into a duel against Aaron Burr, but when it’s time to fire, I’m not going to shoot my gun. And knowing that he’s not going to fire a bullet, because it’s against his religion to kill another person, Alexander Hamilton says…

The shot cuts to Michael Cera and Jake Johnson.

Mark Gagliardi: …alright Aaron Burr. I’ll duel with you. Then he calls his family and his sons…

Michael Cera is seen speaking on a cell phone.

Mark Gagliardi: …and he says, I love you. I’m sorry about this. I know this is going to be hard to raise a family without a father, but you’ll do ok. Here’s the thing about Hamilton.

The shot cuts to a picture of George Hamilton.

Mark Gagliardi: George Hamilton…

The shot cuts to Mark Gagliardi lying on the couch.

Mark Gagliardi: Alexander Hamilton. George Hamilton is an actor who was in Zorro the Gay Blade. Alexander Hamilton calls his family.

The shot cuts to Michael Cera sitting at a desk dialing a cell phone.

Mark Gagliardi: …He says, I love you. I’m gonna miss you. He calls his parents. He says, I love you and I’m gonna miss you. He calls his wife. He says I love you. I’m gonna miss you. He does all this because Alexander Hamilton knows, when he fights Aaron Burr on the face of battle, he’s gonna die.

The shot cuts to an open field where you see Michael Cera, Jake Johnson, Derek Waters and Ashley Johnson.

Mark Gagliardi: Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr meet one another on the field of battle. They’re each handled…they’re each handed their pistols. They walk the ten paces. Aaron Burr turns around.

Jake Johnson is shown whirling in place.

Mark Gagliardi: Alexander Hamilton turns around.

Michael Cera is shown whirling in place.

Mark Gagliardi: Both are ready to shoot the other one, wherever. Aaron Burr wants to shoot Alexander Hamilton in the chest. He wants to shoot him in heart. He wants to shoot him in the head. He wants to shoot him in every part of Alexander Hamilton that is all for a free United States.

The shot cuts to Mark Gagliardi lying on his couch.

Mark Gagliardi: Good call putting the bucket right here.

Mark Gagliardi shakes the bucket that right next to him on the floor.

The shot cuts back to Alexander Hamilton holding a pistol.

Mark Gagliardi: And when they fired, Alexander Hamilton shot a bullet…

Shot cuts to Mark Gagliardi on his couch.

Mark Gagliardi: …right into Alexander Hamilton.

The shot cuts to Michael Cera aiming a pistol at his own head. The shot cuts back to Mark Gagliardi on his couch.

Mark Gagliardi: Aaron Burr shot a bullet…

Shot cuts to Jake Johnson firing his pistol.

Mark Gagliardi: …Right into Alexander Hamilton’s body. And Alexander Hamilton who had decided previously that he wasn’t going to shoot against Aaron Burr…didn’t.

Ashley Johnson is seen shaking the limp form of Michael Cera.

Mark Gagliardi: Hamilton was killed that day.

Ashley Johnson is seen screaming “no.” The shot cuts back to Mark Gagliardi on the couch.

Mark Gagliardi: By Burr. (there is a very long pause) I’m too drunk to keep going. (another long pause) But Hamilton wo…Hamilton won even though he was killed and Aaron Burr won the duel. Fucking Aaron Burr’s not on money. You now who is? Alexander Hamilton. He’s on the ten.

The shot cuts to end credits.

Directed by Jeremy Konner

Michael Cera

Jake Johnson

Ashley Johnson

Derek Waters

And Mark Gagliardi.

Mark Gagliardi: Take all the shit out of it.

Created by Derek Waters.