Jonathan loves three things - Blatinos, dry shampoo, and Game of Thrones.
- April 20, 2015
- 240k Views
Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Timothy Simons
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Becca Scheuer
Writers - Erin Gibson, Jonny Mais, Mark Rennie, Matt Mazany
Editor - John Ford
Director of Photography - Cristina Dunlap
Gaffer - Jeremy Tuite
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser
Assistant Editor and Graphics - AJ Berna
April 20, 2015
Timothy Simons: Did you see Game of Thrones?
Jonathan Van Ness: Did I ever. So much T.
> So much teets?
> T like truth...
> And how does anybody
infer that, that means truth?
> It's like this chromosome,
because like I'm gay so I speak at that, and you're not so you don't speak that.
> Oh, ok.
> But I'm going to teach you.
(theme music plays)
> Baby Kristen Stewart goes to Braavos, and she arrives at white house, black market,
and then Andre Leon Talley opens the door, and he's like, beat it, scram.
> Wait, who's Andre Leon Talley?
> He's one of those headhunters over at Vogue. He was on America's Top Model
for a minute.
> Oh, that guy!
> So then, these Dornese hoodlums are about to go in on baby Kristen Stewart,
and then Andre Leon Talley comes back, they run away, he goes with a reverse
minstrel show, and she's like, oh my God, you look like Jesus.
So then Podrick and Tilda are at Westeros Cracker Barrel when they
see busted Redhead, and she's like, I promised your mom I would defend you guys.
And then Earl Grey was like, Boo, you fucked up twice, and then she
was like excuse me that's like talking about the Spice Girls, but only
> The Spice Girls had more than one album?
> Oh darling yes. There was like the big song that was like... (he mimics)
And like um...
> That sounded like... (he mimics)
> What was it?
(he mimics again)
The accoustic guitar guy's from the mid-90s.
> Simon and Garfunkel?
> So then, Blonde Cher and Brother D are having a lovers quarrel over this
edible arrangement that Blonde Cher got that's really a threat to their
inbred daughter, but then he was getting all protective and stuff.
> Oh yeah, he was like, I have a very particular set of skill, skills that make me
a nightmare for people like you.
> W-What's going on there?
> That's Liam Neeson from Taken.
> I will find you,
and I will kill you.
> Galapagos is at it again. She's teaching illiterate Anne Hathaway
how to read, but then Anne Hathaway cuts to like telling her the saddest
version of Little Women you have ever heard.
> 2 of my sisters died. They acted like animals.
My father had to drag them out to the woods on a rope.
> So then Jon Snow gets nominated to become the prom king of the night's watch.
> He's the commander we turn to, when the night was darkest.
> He was looking so fine.
> What he be your type?
> I like to feel like petite. If you have any friends that are like
-6, half-black, half-asian, blatino...
> So the night's watcher cast in their vote. There's a tie.
> Oh, like the 2000 election.
> Totally like that except where in this case the correct person won.
(applause and "Snow" chants are heard)
> So then at the end bald headed Bruno Mars kills Party City Mardi Gras mask.
So Christina Aguilera had to go up in there and show a bitch who's boss.
So she beheads bald Bruno Mars, and then all the slaves start hissing like
I did when Beck beat out Beyonce for album of the year.
> I actually didn't hear either of those albums. Was one of them better?
> Uh, well obviously Beyonce's was better, and she got fucking screwed.
> What were some of the songs on it?
> Um, Heaven, Drunk in Love...that had Jay-Z on it. That was fire.
> That was fire?
> It was fire. Fire, ok!
> Fire ok.
> It's fire, ok.
> It's fire ok.
> So then Christina Aguilera is at her downtown loft taking in some air, taking
a little chill pill when dragon Edward James Olmos comes to check on her.
He was like clutch.
> I know what clutch means.
> Timothy, this is giving me Littlefinger realness.
> Fire ok.
> So close.
> Where are...
> my dragons.