Jonathan loves three things - ​Kevin Murphy Plumping Line,Margaret Cho , and Game of Thrones.
Published May 20, 2014 160k views Immortal More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring: ​Margaret Cho
Directed by Erin Gibson
Written by Erin Gibson and Jeffery Self and Margaret Cho
Producer Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
DP - Cristina Dunlop
Editor - John Ford
Assistant Editor - Leann Bowen
Camera Operator - Matt Sweeny
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser
Production Designer - Flower Cole

HI JONATHAN.
HI MARGARET.
I REALLY WANT A KELISY BRAID.
FRESHLY DIDDLED HAIR.
OOH, LIKE SHE GOT THIS WEEK.
WE HAVE SO MUCH SHA'KIKI
ABOUT THIS WEEK GIRL.
OK.
SO MY HOMEGIRL MUNCH MUNCH
IS IN HER JAIL CELL, AND
SHE'S TRYING TO GET TO THE
BOTTOM OF HER CHAMPION SITUATION.
(MARGARET): AND LONG IN THE
TOOTH LIAM NEESON, ALL HE CARES
ABOUT IS HIS NEW DUSTER
FROM HOT TOPIC.
AND THAT MUSCLE BEAR, HE WAS ANGRY.
(JONATHAN): OH MY GOD. SHE WAS
SUFFERING FROM SUCH A SEVERE
CASE OF ROID-RAGE. SHE WOULD
BE SUCH A GOOD TOP.
(MARGARET): OR A REALLY FOXY BOTTOM.
BLONDE CHER COMES IN, AND
SHE'S GOT THIS REAL
MUPPETY QUALITY, YOU KNOW,
SHE'S GOT A HAND UP HER SKIRT, LIKE
SHE'S GETTING FISTED WHILE
SHE'S WALKING DOWN.
(JONATHAN): SO THEN BABY
KRISTEN STEWART AND DOG THE
BOUNTY HUNTER WERE HAVING
THEIR PAPER MOON MOMENT, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE HE TAUGHT HER HOW
TO STAB SOMEONE IN THE HEART
(MARGARET): I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
GUY'S NAME WAS ROUGE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
ROUGE.
(JONATHAN): I MEAN HONESTLY,
HER DRUG MOTHER MUST'VE BEEN
DRUGGED WHEN SHE NAMED HER THAT.
(MARGARET): THEN JIMMY PAGE IS
ALL OVER JOHN SNOW SERVING HIM
LANDLORD REALNESS.
NO PETS, NO SMOKING, NO HIBACHI.
(JONATHAN): SO THEN BUSTED JOSH
GROBAN SNEAKS KELIS ALDRIDGE
INTO CHRISTINA AGUILERA'S HOTEL ROOM.
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.
YOU KNOW, FOR ME THAT'S NOT
HOW I WOULD'VE HANDLED THAT SITUATION.
I WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE SO VERBAL
ABOUT IT, I WOULD'VE JUST LIKE LET
MY TUSHIE DO THE TALKING.
I BET SHE PEGGED HIM.
PEGGING? WHAT'S THAT?
PEGGING IS LIKE WHEN, IF YOU'RE
A GIRL, AND YOUR BOYFRIEND
WANTS TO GET FUCKED YOU PUT ON
A STRAP ON DILDO, AND YOU
FUCK HIM UP THE ASS IS PEGGING.
(STAMMERS) WHO...
YOU ARE SO SMART.
I KNOW. IT'S AMAZING.
(JONATHAN): AND THEN WOLF'S
DOING THE WALK OF SHAME.
BUSTED JOSH GROBAN RUNS
INTO SIR CARLISLE.
(MARGARET): OH, I CALL HIM
OUT OF AFRICA.
(TOTO, "AFRICA" PLAYS)
(JONATHAN): OH MY GOD, I
CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT.
(MARGARET): AND EVIL RED RIDING
HOOD IS TAKING A STEAM PUNK BATH
(JONATHAN): AND SHE WAS UNVEILING
HER DEVIANT LUSH
COLLECTION. SIDE BAR, I'M USUALLY
NOT A BREAST MAN,
BUT I REALLY LIKED THE WAY HER
BOOBS LAID IN THAT LIKE BATH TUB.
THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY GIRL."
SO THEN HOT PIE IS GIVING
POTTERKAN TILDA A PIE,
AND SHE WILL NOT STOP TALKING
ABOUT THIS HIDEOUS GRAVY.
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GRAVY.
YOU CANNOT GIVE UP ON THE GRAVY.
NO GRAVY, NO PIE.
(MARGARET): SO THEN HOT PIE COMES
UP WITH ALL THIS INTEL.
WHAT ABOUT? NO KIDNEY PIE?
OH YEAH.
(MARGARET): AND TILDA IS LIKE
CLEAN A 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS.
(JONATHAN): SO THEN MR. SOPHIA
VERGARA PAYS MUNCHIE MUNCH
A VISIT, AND HE'S LIKE WE
RENDEZVOUS THIS ONE TIME
WHEN WE WERE ALL KIDS. LIKE THE
WORD ON THE STREET WAS YOU
WERE THIS MONSTER BABY.
CLAWS, ONE RED EYE. THE PRIVATES
OF BOTH THEIR GIRL,
AND THEIR BOY.
THAT WOULD'VE MADE THINGS SO
MUCH EASIER.
BUT THEN WHEN WE FINALLY GOT
TO GO SEE YOU, LIKE YOU'RE NOT A
MONSTER, YOUR NOT THE BULOVA
BABY. AND THEN MR. SOPHIA VERGARA
WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT, I
GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER. A FIRE.
(SINGS) DANCING THROUGH THE FIRE.
I WILL BE YOUR CHAMPION.
(BOTH SING) AND YOUR GONING
TO HEAR ME ROAR.
AND THEN THE LAST SCENE, OH MY GOD,
BUSTED RED HEAD GETS SO MAD
AT HER JOY STOIC FIANCE FOR
MESSING UP HER BOB ROSS CASTLE.
(JONATHAN): AND THEN VINCE JULIAN
COMES STROLLS IN, PUTS HIS LIPS
ON HIS LIKE DAUGHTER NIECE,
AND THEN PRE-SURGERY KATHY
GRIFFIN SEES THE ENTIRE THING.
OH, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD CALL
HER PRE-SURGERY KATHY GRIFFIN.
NOT... SHE'S ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS,
AND SHE'S GORGEOUS.
SO...
SHE'S TOTALLY GORG.
(JONATHAN): SO THEN NOT,
PRE-SURGERY KATHY GRIFFEN
SHOWS POOR BABY SANSA
THE MOONROOF.
AND THEN VINCE JULIAN COMES
AND NEGOTIATES HER RELEASE.
LET HER GO LYSA.
(MARGARET): AND YOU THINK
HE'S GOING TO SAY SOMETHING NICE,
LIKE I LOVE YOU, BUT
ACTUALLY HE SAYS...
I HAVE ONLY LOVED ONE
WOMAN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
YOUR SISTER.
(SCREAMS)
BYE HO...!
(CLUSTER OF SALON SOUNDS)
OH, THIS IS GIVING ME SO TRISTIE
REALNESS I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE
I CAN HANDLE HER.
WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME OF
THRONES, YOU WIN OR YOU DIE.
WHERE ARE...
MY DRAGONS.
OK, THAT'S GOING TO BE
$458 DOLLARS, MARGARET.
DO YOU WANT TO PUT THE
TIP ON THE CARD OR IN CASH?
OK, YOU HAVE TO
PAY FOR YOUR SERVICE.
(BIG SIGH)

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web