Starring Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) Also featuring Michael Bay, Mark Cuban, Matt Cassel, Jillian Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Josh Cox, Jon "Bones" Jones, Patrick Willis, Urijah Faber and Titty Mug.
Powers: Some athletes just
want the endorsement deals.
Some do it for the fame / poontang.
The smart-as-shit ones get into business.
But no one has ever done ...
... What I've just fuckin' done.
I own 51% of K-Swiss stock.
Voiceover: You gotta
be fuckin' kidding me.
Powers: I'm not kidding. I'm
fuckin' in and you're fuckin' out.
Now get the fuck outta my chair.
Kon-nichi-wa, bitches, I'm Kenneth Powers,
the new motherfucking CEO of K-Swiss.
You're thinking, "Kenny
Powers, why the fuck
would you wanna be the CEO of a business
when you could easily just be out living
the life of a functioning derelict?"
Well, the answer is simple ...
I'm changing the sports world.
I wanna get everybody to stop acting like
goddamn pussies all the time.
So I didn't just SIGN
the baddest athletes,
I hired 'em to run the company.
What's up dog? I killed you.
I started the rebuilding
process by listing
all pro quarterback,
Matt "Goddamn" Castle,
to come in my high-powered
Castle: K-Swiss Tubes,
WE LET THE DOGS OUT!
Emphasis on "WE".
Powers: Who did it? We
did it. It's good, Castle.
Castle: K-Swiss Tubes, come at me, bro.
COME AT ME!
Powers: Touchdown! (laughs)
Fantastic concepts, Castle!
(thud) Voiceover: What?
Powers: Me and Matt Castle
just fucked you up, dog!
I brought in John "Bones"
Jones to run HR, raise morale.
Jones: Short order lunches,
what is THAT shit? Fuck that!
Powers: And for Director
of Community Outreach,
I got the ultimate people
person, Jillian Michaels.
Michaels: You wanna look like a burrito
in your prom dress? Huh, Blondie?
Powers: Lastly, I brought in Ray Mysterio,
head up security ... (thud)
Safety is priority number one ...
What's up, Josh Cox?
Let's push this shit to the max!
Now that K-Swiss is bigger
than cable television
and or drugs, everybody's trying to get up
my motherfuckin' slacks!
All right, you bitch, Mark, you wanna play
hard ball with me, I'm
tired of fuckin' around.
I will pay you $25 million
if you change your team's
name to "The Dallas K-Swiss Tubes".
Mark: Quit wasting my time, Kenny ...
Powers: Before you say anything,
prepare to shut the fuck up.
Mark: I'm thinking.
I'm thinking you're a dumbass, Kenny.
Powers: I'm making marketing that
touches my audience deep inside.
(music plays) K-Swiss ...
(music plays) ... Power cologne.
(music plays) Who knew
you could bottle the scent
Intercom: Mr. Powers, I have
Michael Bay on line one.
Powers: Finally, motherfucker.
Bay: Kenny, how are you?
Powers: All right, man,
here. Listen up, all right?
I want you to direct a
K-Swiss fuckin' movie.
Here's the concept, okay?
It's all about how I'm
like, "Kick ass in sports,
top of my game, now I'm an awesome CEO,"
and then these jealous terrorists,
they bust into the compound I'm living in
and they basically drop all these bombs
and shit on me and I'm totally dead.
All that's left is my brain,
my dick and the Tubes.
And all these scientists
basically find those parts
with the help of some
local school children
and make me into a humongous,
this is where your expertise comes in,
Mark: That's riveting, Kenny ...
so you want me to direct you in a K-Swiss
autobiography where I
rebuild you as a transformer
with a human brain and penis ...
Powers: And Tubes.
So I'm [living] the motherfuckin' deals,
doing shit other sports companies are too
pussy to even dream of.
Gentlemen, I present to you
the athlete of the future.
Powers: Wearing the training
shoe of the future ...
breathable upper top part
where the laces are ...
KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER, PATRICK WILLIS!
That's right, I'm turning
shit on its goddamn head.
Powers: I'm changing the sports world.
I'm changing the business world.
Don't smell like shit.
Nice, awesome, no ...
I'm even changing the goddamn world world.
(revving engine) (artillery fire)
(machine gunfire) (thunder)
Now THAT is how you run a
company like Kenny Powers.
Hot secretary, get me the
president on the line!
I just got tired of paying taxes.
(heavy metal music plays)