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Shit I cunnit make it out to the shed far taday's Hisi. But I gotta queshern for... more »
Published February 10, 2011 440 views More Info »
Welcome on back onto How I Seize It
with Loretta Jenkins.
I fell!
I been in here a couple of hours.
I can't get up.
I took me a couple of them Sonomas, but anyways...
I gots me a another lette
knockin' up your girl for advice,
and her name is Misha367...
Hmm, bitch got numbers in her name.
That's weird.
Goddamn things people name they youngins these days...
You know what?
It's probably cause all them drugs they
pumpin' in those pregnant womens...
You know cause they gotta stay sober
like pertnear a whole year,
and if you ain't drinkin' you ain't thinkin'.
Calls they kids reject names like
Apple and Bananers
and Blankets and Snuggies
and Willow and Frieda and-
Oooh! I hate that name Frieda.
I hate it.
It leave a bad taste in your mouth just sayin' it.
It's like steppin' in dog shit.
It's that unpleasant.
Anyways, shit-
Where was I?
Oh! Dumb number name...
She says,
"Dear Loretta,
I got this friend who's in abusive relationship."
Well, there's your first problem right there.
Relationships is the scourge of the society.
That's why I just got me FBWs and drankin' buddies,
cause 'friends' just let you down most times.
Miss Micha-Numbers,
if your friend getyin' slap around and stay,
well then she just a dumbass.
They ain't nothin' you can do to keep
people from they dumbass decision.
And idgits usually attracted to other idgits
and we gotta stop that shit
to keep them from makin' some little idgits.
Now y'all don't get piss off
cause y'all ain't my friend.
Y'all alright drankin' buddies,
even though most of y'all can't spell worth a shit.
Oh, y'all...
I had this one friend.
She kept callin' me up
tellin' me I owes her some money.
Hell, I don't remember gettin' no money.
But hell, even if I did,
do you see me drivin' around in some new Trans Am?
Well duh, you dumbshit!
That's cause I ain't got no money!
(quick breathing)
And then I got this other friend...
She got a dumb name, too.
And she ain't even Ornamental,
so I don't even know why her momma named her that.
She a friend,
but she piss me off...
...a lot.
Like she supposed to be here right now
helpin' me with these HISIs, but no-
No, she had to run off from one bipolar moron,
to a smack-her-around moron,
to now, a car-snatchin'-stealin'-smugglin'-moron!
Call me up in the middle of the night outta nowhere!
She's goin',
Oooh! We got this new business.
We gonna fix you up.
We gonna hook you up with cars, Lo!
We gonna make a mint."
Well bitch, look around!
I's done gone legit.
I mean right now, I got $8.54,
and do you know how much I'm keepin'?
$8.54 and-
Goddamnit Damn pennies...
(bangs head)
Damnit, now I'm gonna have a hangover.
Anyways girlfriend,
just realize that most folks is just stoop
and just go on ahead and drink yourself
into an early grave.
They ain't much more to this life,
and that's How I Seize It.