Gus Porter gets mauled by a bear, but he won't let the socialist Canadian health care fix him up, so he'll hike back to America.

Full Credits

Starring Thomas Haden Church, Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler
Written and Directed by Jake Szymanski
Makeup and Effects by Kat Bardot

Stats & Data

5,923Funny
1,021Die
167,069
Views
September 02, 2009
Published

Transcript

(click)
♫ Hey, Gus Porter, American mountain man.
♫ He crossed the border with animal hunting plans.
♫ But his rifle stalled and the grizzly mauled.
♫ Now he's stuck in a foreign land.
(mumbling)
- Hey.
Hey, fella.
- Momma, Momma.
- Excuse me, Mister?
- Old griz, it got me pretty good, I guess, huh?
- Well he sure did but don't you worry.
Got a doctor on the way here,
so what's your name there?
- Gus Porter, American mountain man.
You can call off that doctor of yours.
I'm out of my coverage zone.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
- Sir, you don't have to worry about the health insurance.
You're in Canada now.
Our system covers everyone for free.
- Sounds like Communism.
I don't need your free medicine here, commissar.
- Oh, Jesus, we got to stop that bleeding there.
- Bleeding?
Why don't you put a bandage on your whining?
- Hey look, you're loosing a lot of blood there, friend.
You could die like that.
- That's not gonna happen, Kim Jong-il.
How far is the American border?
- It's about 90 kilometers.
- Don't give it to me in Nazi distance.
Give it to me in American.
- Oh, yeah, we're talking 60 miles there, at least.
- An afternoon stroll.
- I don't think you should, sir--
- I gotta get back to
my insurance coverage zone.
♫ Hey, Gus Porter, heading back to the land of the free,
♫ But a clotting disorder makes it a difficulty.
♫ The government support always comes up short
♫ So we're struggling through gangrene.
(groaning)
- I had a horrible dream I was surrounded by Socialists.
They were trying to kill me with their free medicine.
God, dammit.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How far did I get?
- About 17 and a half meters,
but luckily I was able to hydrate you back up
and stabilize your condition.
- Let it be noted,
Gus Porter did not consent to this illegal transfusion.
GOD!
- Look, Mr. Porter, we're only trying to help here.
Your wound's infected.
You'll die without treatment.
- Now I have my own Canadian death panel
telling me when I'm gonna die.
- At least let me clean out your neck wound again, okay?
I got these antibiotics here.
(splashing)
- Oh, come on, man, really?
You're urinating on my medical supplies, man.
- Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my America
where I pay for my insurance medical coverage.
♫ So he walked some more and he walked again
♫ And he walked and he walked, and he jogged and he walked
♫ And he dragged his feet and he lost a lot of blood
♫ And he tried to walk and he stumbled some more
♫ And he died twice but he got back up
♫ And he wasn't gonna let
♫ A bunch of Commie's sell him anything
♫ He didn't want to hear.
♫ So now he's finally dead but his spirit lives on
♫ Because he walked
- [Man] That's American legend.
♫ Gus Porter!

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