The video opens with a shot of Thomas Haden Church dressed up as a
mountain man, carrying a rifle. A television series style title appears
that read: Gus Porter. A chorus sings a theme in the background.
Chorus: Hey, Gus Porter, American mountain man.
The text – Starring Haden Thomas Church – appears. Thomas Haden Church
is shown walking past a Canadian flag and setting out an animal trap.
Chorus: He crossed the border with animal hunting plans.
Thomas Haden Church is seen trying to shoot something and then being mauled by a bear.
Chorus: But his rifle stalled and grizzly mauled, now he’s stuck in a foreign land.
The shot cuts to Thomas Haden Church lying on the ground with a gaping
neck wound. Joe Hartzler is shown wearing a Mounted Police uniform and
hovering over Thomas Haden Church.
Joe Hartzler: Hey! Hey Fella! Excuse me, mister.
Thomas Haden Church: Oh. Mama. The old griz, he got me pretty good, I guess.
Joe Hartzler: He sure did, but don’t you worry. Got a doctor on the way here. So, what’s your name, there?
Thomas Haden Church: Gus Porter, American mountain man. But you can
call off that doctor of yours. I’m out of my coverage zone. I’m sure
I’ll be fine.
Blood spurts out of Thomas Haden Church’s gaping neck wound.
Joe Hartzler: Sir, you don’t have to worry about the health insurance.
You’re in Canada now. Our system covers everyone, for free.
Thomas Haden Church: Sounds like Communism. I don’t need your free medicine Herr Kommissar!
Bob Turton comes running up with a box of medical supplies.
Bob Turton: Oh, Jesus, we got to stop that bleeding there.
Thomas Haden Church: Bleeding? Why don’t you put a bandage on your whining?
Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler look at one another in surprise.
Bob Turton: Hey, look, you’re losing a lot of blood there friend. You could die like that.
Thomas Haden Church: That’s not going to happen, Kim Jong-il. How far is the American border?
Bob Turton: It’s about 90 kilometers.
Thomas Haden Church: Don’t give it to me in Nazi distance! Give it to me in American.
Bob Turton: Oh yeah, we’re talking 60 miles there, at least.
Thomas Haden Church: An afternoon stroll.
Joe Hartzler: Sir, I don’t think you should…
Thomas Haden Church: I got to get back to my insurance coverage zone.
Thomas Haden Church begins to stumble away and the shot cuts to him
carrying his rifle. The shot then cuts to him dragging his rifle. The
shot cuts to Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler shaking their heads and
following Thomas Haden Church.
Chorus: Hey, Gus Porter. Heading back to the land of the free. But a
clotting disorder makes it a difficulty. But government support always
comes up short, so we’ll struggle even through gangrene.
The shot cuts to Thomas Haden Church lying on the ground again.
Thomas Haden Church: Oh, I had a horrible dream. I was surrounded by
socialists. They were trying to kill me with their free medicine. God
The shot cuts to show Joe Hartzler and Bob Turton kneeling by Thomas
Haden Church. Bob Turton is holding an IV bottle that is attached to
Thomas Haden Church.
Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler: Hey.
Thomas Haden Church: How far did I get?
Bob Turton: About 17 and a half meters, but luckily I was able to hydrate you back up and stabilize your condition.
Thomas Haden Church: Let it be known that Gus Porter did not consent to this illegal transfusion.
Thomas Haden Church tears out the IV.
Thomas Haden Church: God!
Joe Hartzler: Look, Mr. Porter, we’re only trying to help here. Your wound is infected. You’ll die without treatment.
Thomas Haden Church lurches to his feet.
Thomas Haden Church: Now I have my own Canadian death panel telling me when I’m going to die.
Bob Turton: At least let me clean out your neck wound again, ok. I’ve got these antibiotics here…
Thomas Haden Church begins urinating into the box of medical supplies.
Bob Turton: Oh, come on man! Really? You’re urinating on my medical supplies man.
Thomas Haden Church: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my America. Where I pay for my insurance medical coverage.
Chorus: So he walked some more and he walked again and he jogged and he
walked and he dragged his feet and he lost a lot of blood and he tried
to walk and he stumbled some more and he died twice…
Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler follow Thomas Haden Church. He dies and
they revive him using a defibrillator. He stands back up and continues
Chorus: …but he got back up and he wasn’t gonna let a bunch of commies
tell him anything he didn’t want to hear, so now he’s probably dead but
his spirit lives on because he walked.
Bob Turton and Joe Hartlzer find Thomas Haden Church collapsed just shy
of the American border. They look at one another and roll him across
Chorus: That’s American legend, Gus Porter
The word Gus Porter appear and Thomas Haden Church give the camera a thumbs up.